


One More Tomorrow

by Aquariuskitty19



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Abusive Relationship, Bottom Jensen, Broken Jensen, Dubious Consent, Hurt Jensen, Infidelity, Lawyer Jared, M/M, Mean/Abusive Jared, Rough Sex, Violence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-09-04
Updated: 2014-10-16
Packaged: 2018-02-16 03:51:46
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 9
Words: 56,241
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2254836
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aquariuskitty19/pseuds/Aquariuskitty19
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jared and Jensen used to be very much in love until life happened. Jared never believed in love at first sight but the moment he heard Jensen laugh he knew he was a believer. He was all Jared needed and somewhere along the way Jared forgot that. Now three years have passed since Jared left Jensen a broken shell of his former self. With the help of his friends Jensen is starting to live again but what happens when Jared shows up again?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Okay...this is the original version of the story.
> 
> Let me explain...I'm saltandburnboys and this is my friend, aquariuskitty19's, story from a couple of years ago that she realised she didn't have time to finish. At the time, she said she'd quite like someone to finish it - and a few people on LJ wanted an ending to it too - so I've decided to try and finish it for her, since I beta-d the last few chapters originally so know the story pretty well. I asked if I could post it here for everyone to read, COZ IT'S SO GOOD (I'm sure you'll agree).
> 
> So, to qualify, this is NOT my story, but I have permission to post it.

_What am I darlin'?_   
_A whisper in your ear?_   
_A piece of your cake?_   
_What am I, darlin?_   
_The boy you can fear?_   
_Or your biggest mistake? - Damien Rice 'Cheers Darlin'_

If someone told Steve that he would end up settling down one day, he would have honestly laughed. It wasn’t so much that Steve found the idea stupid or anything but when Steve pictured himself finally settling down he always thought it would be with a wife and kids. He never imagined that his life would end up here, buying a house with two other dudes, giving up his music career and opening up a bar. However, sitting here on his deck with the smell of the ocean in the air and the sound of his guitar for company, he couldn’t complain at how his life turned out.

It’s just not what he imagined doing at twenty nine.

Three years ago he never even had a place he could call home and that never really bothered him because what was the point of making himself comfortable for a few weeks just to go back on tour again? It never worried him because he loved playing music and being in that atmosphere always felt like home, especially with Chris there.

Three years ago, one phone call changed his whole life.

He can remember the fear in Chris’s voice,the guilt and the sadness that carried over the line,only one person could make Chris show those kind of emotions and Steve was reaching for his car keys before Chris had even told him what happened. He wonders now if he still would have picked up that call knowing what waited for him at Chris’s place. He can recall the cold metal of his keys digging into his palm, shaking so hard that his legs wouldn’t hold him, the guilt that washed over him that never seemed to go away.

Steve can remember thinking, is this really Jensen?

He startles at the noise of a car door slamming shut and Steve looks at his visitor. Guilt pulls at him again, he knew then it was always going to be a part of him. But right now the guilt takes a back seat for two other emotions,hate and regret.

If Steve could have one wish granted he knew without a doubt that it would be never to see this man again. It was just another thing Steve would have laughed about before.He never thought he’d have those feelings for someone like Jared, who once upon a time, was just a giant loveable puppy. Steve couldn’t help but like the guy.

Back then,Steve would have had a fit of tears if you told him Jared, whose whole world revolved around Jensen, would of ended up hurting...no, he couldn’t say hurting, it was more than hurting, he destroyed Jensen. He took away all the things that made Jensen and just left an empty shell. Steve didn’t think it was possible to even break someone’s spirit but Jared did. He cheated, he ignored, he blamed, he abused, he forgot and Steve thought in some sick twisted way Jared probably had enjoyed every minute of it because it made him feel like he was a better man than Jensen.

He couldn’t honestly say what had made Jared change into this cold hearted bastard in front of him but in truth he doesn’t give a flying fuck anymore. It was still Jared that did those things and Steve doesn’t care about excuses.

“Well, looky who we have here.” Steve lets his eyes roam over Jared’s face but he doesn’t express one emotion at all. His family really had trained him well. He could probably get more from talking to a brick wall and Steve knows he would find it more pleasurable.

“Wow! The great Jared Padalecki graces me with his presence! If I’d have known I would have made more of an effort to dress up _nice_ and _fancy_.” He snarls those two words at him. Jared had always enjoyed reminding Jensen that he was below Jared in every possible way. Jared had a better job, more money, better looking, dressed smarter, was stronger. Jared thought he was the king of everything. Steve couldn’t stop a nagging part of his mind asking how that sweet goofy kid could end up here but he quickly pushes the thought away.

Once again Steve feels the guilt start to bubble up, asking him how long Jensen had suffered.

There had been days over the last three years that Steve had gotten angry at Jensen, even on some of Jensen’s darkest days he blamed the man for the state he was in.

Why didn’t Jensen walk away?

Why didn’t he ask them for help?

Steve just couldn’t understand it and when he asked Jensen, he just replied with a bitter smile saying _“Have you ever been in love Steve?”_ Steve didn’t have an answer, after seeing the state that love had left Jensen in, but he doubted he would ever want to be in that position. Still, there was one question that is forever in the front of his mind but he had never asked Jensen.

Did he ever regret falling in love with Jared?

He knows what Jensen would say and that small part of Steve hates Jensen for being the person he is.

Steve can recall when he first met Christian Kane and how he wouldn’t shut up about some girl name Jen. What Steve soon found out was that Jen was actually Jensen and Jensen was actually male, but the way Chris always spoke about Jensen seemed like he was telling Steve about the greatest treasure he had found. Some part of Steve was jealous that his new friend already had someone important in his life. Another part of him couldn’t understand how Chris seem to have this mama bear thing going on whenever Jensen was involved and that made him pissed off for Jensen sake, even though he didn’t know the guy then .But he was a dude and he didn’t need someone treating him like a fragile flower. Steve was rather fond of his face so he never voiced his thoughts out loud. He never got Chris’s shining knight act until he finally met Jensen.

He didn’t know what to expect, whatever he had pictured about Jensen, it was nothing like he had expected. Jensen was the nicest person alive. He was shy, kind, funny and patience. He also learned that he could be a stubborn, moody bastard with a healthy love of sarcasm but to Steve that’s just part of Jensen’s charm. He was like a breath of fresh air after being stuck in a garbage dump all day.

Steve was used to living in a world where people only thought of themselves, they’d stab their best friend in the back just to get a head start and it was just so weird to meet someone who had innocence in them. A kindness like that was so rare to find these days. Steve had finally gotten why Chris was the way he was with Jensen because after that first meeting Steve felt the extract same way.

The three of them soon become close friends. Each of them brought something to their friendship and though at times that ugly green monster would pop up whenever Chris and Jensen would share a story when Steve wasn’t around, he would quickly hide it away. He knew that he could never replace first place with Chris or Jensen because no one could. He did wonder at first if Jensen would feel threatened by how close he got to Chris but when he saw Chris and Jensen together, it finally clicked that Jensen wasn’t worried about losing Chris to Steve because he knew Chris would always drop everything and anyone if Jensen needed him. They had known each other since they were in diapers and had shared this strange bond between them since Chris poured orange paint over some idiot kid who was taking the piss out of Jensen’s attempts at drawing a cat. Chris had told him, _“I actually thought it was a table at first but I didn’t have the heart to tell Jen that.”_

He thinks Chris and Jensen relationship is strange because he never could quite put a name to it.He knows they’re his friends, his best friends, but with the way Chris looks out for Jensen and the way Jensen needs Chris, he just couldn’t ever put a name to what they have. Sometimes he thinks they’re more like brothers than friends but even then that title doesn’t fit. After a while, he stopped questioning it and just accepted it as Jensen and Chris.

They were in their second year of college when things changed. He’s pretty sure if there was such a thing, Chris would be spending all his time trying to build a time machine and Steve would be aiding him all the way.

He thinks back to the situation at hand, Jared.

Jared was both Chris’s and his biggest regret.

_“I think it’s time for our boy to get back out there.”_

_Steve just nodded and carried on eating .After a year around Chris, he knew it was best to be silent when you didn’t know how to answer. He couldn’t say he agreed because Chris would be pissed for rushing Jensen when he wasn’t ready and if he disagreed, Chris would be pissed at him for not thinking Jensen was ready. He couldn’t win with Chris when Jensen was involved._

_Chris took a huge bite out of his roll, “It’s been about four months since Justin and he always seems so happier when he’s all loved up.”_

_“Don’t talk with your mouth full.” Steve muttered and saw Chris’s smug smile when he took another massive bite, making sure Steve got to see the inside of his mouth. Bastard._

_“Come on, Steve, don’t you want to see Jensen all happy.” He watched as Chris finished his roll and flopped back onto the grass next to him, shielding his eyes from the sun. He could see that Chris was worried but it was up to Jensen if he wanted to date again. Jensen and Justin were together for nearly two years until both of them decided to end it. They never said a reason why and he didn’t think it was anyone’s business but theirs. They were even still friends._

_“It’s up to Jense....” He never got to finish his sentence as he spotted that very man coming their way. Chris, of course, didn’t see Jensen and just looked at him with a confused frown that Steve didn’t find cute in any way._

_“Jense? Really, Steve?”_

_“Jense? Who’s that?” Jensen sat down on the grass next to them and leaned back against the oak tree. He started searching in his bag for a pair of sunglasses and then his lunch. “Wait; is this some stupid new nickname for me?” Jensen pulled out a flat sandwich which looked like it seen better days._

_Chris threw his roll wrapper at Jensen and Steve just watched as Jensen threw it right back, he let out a small laugh when it hit Chris on the forehead.Jensen fell side ways laughing and when Chris saw this he tackled Jensen onto the grass and tried to stick the wrapper down his top. Steve ignored them while they wrestled. Chris had stolen Jensen’s sunglasses and put them on, making Jensen laugh even louder._

_“Kids.” Steve sighed and was just about to break them up when he spotted a guy watching them from the open window of the college cafeteria. He couldn’t tell much about the guy, except for the brown, floppy hair that covered his eyes but even from the distance he could tell the guy was smiling. That put his fear to rest that Chris and Jensen were being too loud. Steve noticed he wasn’t turning away after being spotted by him and when he turned back at Chris and Jensen he realized that Chris had gone to throw their lunch rubbish away and Jensen was still laughing, leaning back against the tree again with his eyes closed. Steve looked back at the guy and saw him still staring and that’s when it snapped that he was looking at Jensen._

_Steve couldn’t blame the guy for staring because Jensen was a attractive guy, so he didn’t see the point of saying anything and after a while he turned his attention back to his own friends._

_It wasn’t until a few days later that Steve saw the guy again. He was searching in his locker and talking to a short blonde guy who was leaning against the next one. Steve had to shake his head once to double check what he was seeing because seriously, the guy was a fucking tree. He made Steve feel like a mouse and he always thought of himself as tall. Steve was too busy looking at him that he didn’t notice Chris and Jensen walking up. He heard Jensen laugh and Steve met with chestnut eyes with a hint of green. Steve had to admit the guy did have gorgeous eyes. Steve noticed he had the same smile on his face from the other day and Steve got it because every time Jensen laughed it made Steve smile as well. He caught Steve looking at him and quickly turned, but not fast enough that Steve couldn’t spot the blush spreading on his cheeks. What a strange guy. Who would have thought someone that tall and seriously packing some muscle, would be the shy type._

_He felt Chris touch his arm and Steve turned to face him, he noticed the smile and knew Chris noticed the same thing._

_“What do you think?” It took all of Steve’s strength to hide the shiver that went through his body when Chris’s warm breath touched his ear. He ignored the feeling and turned back to the stranger and saw him giving them shy looks. The guy was adorable in a puppy dog kind of way. He seemed nice but did Jensen really need a guy who seemed like he would let Jensen win every battle. Jensen needed someone who was his equal and would stand his own ground and Jensen’s, if it was called for. Jensen was shy but he still knew when to stand up for himself and his friends. Jensen also made his own choices and he didn’t let anyone push him into something he didn’t want to do. This guy seemed like he would act whatever way to please them and Jensen didn’t need someone like that._

_“He seems soft.”_

_“Soft?”_

_“Yeah” The guy was built like a truck but Steve doubted the guy would even hurt a fly._

_“Maybe Jen needs soft.” Steve couldn’t help the laugh that came out at that._

_“I highly doubt Jensen needs someone who’s soft, especially in certain parts.”_

_Chris quickly let go off his arm and made a show of pretending to gag. Steve looked over to see if Jensen was listening to any of this but he was too busy putting his art tools away in his locker._

_“Dude I don’t want to imagine Jensen’s sex life.” Chris mumbled, while still pretending to puke._

_Steve ignored him and looked back at the guy who was now just standing by his locker and listening as his blonde friend chattered away. He was still sneaking looks at Jensen. Man the guy had it bad. He was starting to think Chris might be onto something with this guy. Chris did know Jensen best and if he thought this guy would be good for Jensen then who was he to disagree, the guy might surprise him._

_“Okay.”_

_“Okay?”_

_“Okay.”_

_“Okay?” He couldn’t believe Chris was acting this dense._

_“Fuck sake Chris, okay.”_

_“Oh, Okay.” Chris waited a few seconds before adding “So you think he’s right for our Jenny?”_

_Now that was the million dollar question._

_Chris took his silence as a yes. Both of them waited while Jensen finished packing and made a detour around the lockers to get to the main door. Jensen didn’t ask but Steve could tell he was confused. When they went to walk past the guy and his friend, Chris gave Jensen a little shove and Jensen fell right into the guy’s arms._

_“Fuck, sorry about that.” A blush was starting to creep up Jensen’s neck as he realized the guy’s arms were wrapped around him and he was holding his shirt. The guy didn’t seem bothered at all, in fact by the expression on his face it looked like all his birthdays had come at once. Jensen gave him a small smile and stepped out of his arms._

_“Don’t worry about it.” The guy bent down to pick up Jensen’s bag and passed it back. When Jensen went to take it, he asked, “Are you okay?”_

_Steve noticed Jensen’s smile getting more genuine by the second. Maybe Chris was right all along. Not like he would ever admit that to anyone, especially not Chris._

_“I’m okay, thank you for catching me.” the stranger smiled so big that there were freaky dimples. That seemed to have sold Jensen because the next second he was holding out his hand and introducing himself._

_“Jensen Ackles.”_

_“Jared Padalecki.” Jared finally took Jensen’s hand and he didn’t seem to want to let it go. After that they spent the next few minutes talking. The blonde guy was Chad, who Steve had to admit was an alright guy but hoped he didn’t have to spend long amounts of time with._

_The next day Jared, Chad and a girl named Sandy came over and joined them for lunch on the grass. Steve had never seen Jensen look so happy._

Steve’s not sure he will ever understand how things got so fucked up. He knew what Jensen had told them but both him and Chris knew Jensen wasn’t saying everything. He accepted why Jensen wasn’t telling them the whole truth but Steve was pissed at him for it. Jensen was protecting them. Jensen understood both he and Chris would blame themselves and Jensen wouldn’t let the blame fall on anyone but himself.

But how could Steve not blame himself? He should have noticed something was off but he was too busy to see his friend’s silent cries for help.

In truth, Steve didn’t just hate Jared for what he did to Jensen but also for changing both him and Chris. None of them were the same anymore. Jensen was no longer that dreamer, who believed that everyone could get their happily ever after if they just worked for it. Jensen had wanted to show his parents that it didn’t matter he was gay because he still could have a family and love. Life didn’t work out that way, Steve knew that already but seeing Jared and Jensen back then had made Steve hope that one day he might have had that.

And Chris wasn’t the same person anymore.

Steve doesn’t often like to think of that night three years ago when Chris asked him _“Do you think Jensen will ever be the same ?”_ His voice was soft and so quiet, like he was afraid of the answer and Steve didn’t even have one to give. He wished so badly that he could erase the sounds that came after that question and he wished he had known what to do while he just sat there and watched his friend break down. He had never seen anyone cry like that and he hopes he never has to again.

Someone as strong as Chris shouldn’t have sounded so defeated. What drew him to Chris in the first place was that aura surrounding him that said this is me and you can accept that or bugger off. Chris didn’t care what people thought of him and he could spark up a conversation with anyone. Chris used to be the life of the party. Now he didn’t trust people anymore, he didn’t talk to anyone new. He had built this wall around himself that even Jensen couldn’t seem to break though at times. He knew Chris had been betting it all on Jared as well. All Chris has ever wanted was for Jensen to be happy and that was pretty much his life goal.

For some unknown reason, Chris has gotten it in his head that he couldn’t be happy until Jensen was. Jared didn’t just break Jensen’s chance at that but he broke all of theirs.

“Is he in?” Jared’s voice is still the same but there’s no longer any warmth in it. He even has the nerve to sound bored.

Steve instantly returns all his attention back to the man that he once thought of as a friend.

“Now Padalecki, why would I tell you?”

“Is he in or not?”

“Why do you want to know?” He can tell Jared was starting to switch from boredom to anger by the way his hands were balling into fists. Good, he thinks, let the guy show some kind of emotion instead of acting like a robot.

“I wish to speak to him.” Steve let out a humourless laugh, pissing off Jared even more.

“You’re kidding right?” By the silence that follows and the tightening of Jared’s jaw he guesses he was actually being serious. Steve is pretty sure Jensen hasn’t heard from Jared in three years and now the guy suddenly shows up out of the blue. The only reason for Jared to be here is because he wants something from Jensen.

He narrows his eyes at Jared and places his guitar down gently. He stands and walks over to him. He’s impressed Jared doesn’t take a step back but then again Steve feels pissed for having to lift his head up to stare him in the eyes.

“You listen to me, Padalecki, and listen well because the next time I see you here I’ll call the police.” Jared looks like he’s going to disagree so Steve quickly carries on. “You have no right to be here, so leave.” He takes a step back but doesn’t get far before he feels a strong grip around his upper arm.

“Is he fucking in or not?” Jared says darkly. He’s definitely pissed now but Steve doesn’t give a fuck about what Jared’s feeling. He makes sure Jared follows his eyes to the gold wedding ring on Jared’s finger.

“How’s the wife?” He yanks his arm roughly out of Jared’s grip and pushes him as hard as he can towards his car. He wants Jared gone now. “If you don’t get off my property in the next second, I will call the police.” He threatens again as he pulls his cell phone out of his front pocket.

“Were you always this much of a coward Carlson?” Jared mutters but Steve hears him loud and clear. Every part of his body is screaming for blood. He wants so badly to hit Jared and wipe that stupid smirk off his face but he can’t. He knows if he starts he won’t be able to stop. He also knows that Jared would press charges against him and then Jensen would get involved and Steve can’t let Jared win, not again.

“Come on Carlson. I know you want to take a shot.” Now Jared’s in Steve’s face.

“Get the fuck out of here.”

Jared lets out an ugly laugh. How could a person change so much? This Jared isn’t the Jared he used to joke with; share a beer with, watch the game with, play poker with, this Jared is a stranger to him.

“Where’s Jensen’s other bodyguard today?” Jared glares at the house but makes no move towards it. “I’m sure he’d have the balls to hit me.”

Steve chooses to ignore the bastard and starts to dial 911. “I wonder what the newspapers will say once they hear you got arrested for trespassing.” He points at the wedding ring on Jared finger. "What would your wife and family say once they know that the person you wanted to see was Jensen?”

Jared finally gets the hint and makes his way to his car but not before having the last word.

“Tell Jensen we need to talk.”

Steve is very tempted to stick his middle finger up as Jared drives away but he isn’t Chris. Suddenly he feels so tired, like all his energy has been drained away. How the fuck is he going to explain this to Jensen? Or worse Chris.


	2. Chapter 2

_Deliver me into my fate  
If I’m alone I cannot hate  
I don’t deserve to have you  
Ooh, my smile was taken long ago  
If I can change I hope I never know – Slipknot ‘Snuff’_

Chad Murray only had one life motto. If you don’t want to do it, then don’t. 

His parents would joke that when he was born he was already bossing people around. He didn’t understand the joke and would never laugh with them. Some people may call him spoilt but all he did was live his life like there was no tomorrow. In his opinion, you only live once so don’t live with regret and yet he still managed to. He tried everything to get rid of it, he apologized, he bought gifts, he visited, but every time he saw Jensen give him that smile, like none of this was Chad’s fault that was when the regret became even bigger. Soon, he was pretty sure he was going to have to buy a bigger house so regret could have its own room.

He had never really understood Jensen Ackles. To him, Jensen was always known as Jared’s other half and that was that. He didn’t take the time to get to know him unless Jared was there as well. He can easily admit that he was jealous of the time Jensen got with Jared because before Jensen it was always Jared and Chad. Not in that gay romantic love affair way but as best friends who had each other’s backs no matter what. Jared would be the one he would’ve called if he needed help getting rid of a body. Not anymore though. He hasn’t heard from Jared in nearly three years. 

Chad wasn’t the type of person to live in the past but nowadays it’s seems like he can’t escape it. He wonders if it was his stupid jealousy that stopped him from doing the right thing. Chad is sure a lot of people might call him a coward but that was one thing he wasn’t. He just didn’t care enough for Jensen back then and he honestly didn’t think Jared had one cruel bone in his body. Christ sake’s, the guy used to feel guilty about watching porn and eating skittles for breakfast. How could that same guy end up hurting someone like Jensen? Chad doubts he will ever know. 

Jared was his best friend ever since he gave him his own chocolate milk after some bastard stole Chad’s. You can’t blame him for crying when he was only a kid. Not having chocolate milk had seemed like the end of the world.

Soon there wasn’t a Chad without a Jared. 

Jared was different from other people. Most people would laugh at him for doing something stupid but with Jared, Jared would laugh with him and to Chad that meant everything. When it was time to meet the rest of the Padalecki clan he wasn’t nervous because really, how bad could the family be if they have someone like Jared in it. 

When he did finally meet them, Chad had the shock of his life. They were nothing like Jared. They spent the whole evening sitting around a huge dining table dressed in fancy suits and not saying a word. He never felt so uncomfortable in his life, sitting there in his baggy jeans and t-shirt. He always pictured Jared and his family sitting around the TV with dinner trays, chatting away. He did try to start a conversation with Jared’s younger sister Megan and even made her laugh until Jared’s mother shot them both a look. Out of the whole family he thought the mother was the worse, she looked at him like he was beneath her. She didn’t even try to play nice. He knew the Padalecki’s ran their own law firm and he always wondered if Jared would end up being one of those uptight pricks. 

He never received another dinner invitation after that. 

He never thought that one laugh could turn his life upside down. 

He knew then, after that meal, that Jared ended up being who he was because his parent’s attention was never on Jared or his baby sister but on their oldest brother, Jeff. Jeff was supposed to take over from his father when he retired so Jared and Megan got to do whatever they wanted. He had mixed feelings about that. Some part of him felt bad for Jeff and another part grateful because if Jeff wasn’t the oldest then Jared would have ended up being in his place instead. Jared always had a thing for animals and he was hoping to become a vet one day. But some part of Chad knew that day at dinner that Jared would never escape his parents. The whole time he sat there in silence eating some fancy lobster meal, he noticed Jared’s mother had this cold, calculating look about her. She probably was the only one who knew back then that it was pointless for Jared to dream because she had already planned Jared’s future. It wasn’t until Jared proposed to Jensen that Jared’s mother finally set her plans in motion. Some part of him wonders if she even paid Jeff to disappear. 

He knew after that day in the café when he spotted his friend staring at some dude laughing that things were going to change. He never had a problem with Jared liking men and even Chad can appreciate the beauty of one Jensen Ackles. It’s just that if Jared had never met Jensen then maybe Jared would have been happy. It’s horrible to even think that but he couldn’t help think that these two people might have been better off never meeting. Yet Jared was his happiest when he had Jensen by his side. 

They were together for nearly seven years before Jared had the balls to pop the big question. He remembers Jared dragging him to nearly every bloody jewelry store. It took him nearly two hours to find the perfect ring, Jared would never settle for second best when it came to Jensen. Of course when Jared asked, Jensen said yes and Chad would love to say they lived happily ever after but, of course, that only happens in fairytales. 

Things started to change the moment they heard Jeff had taken the Chad motto in life and decided to do a runner. Chad kind of hated him for it.

Jared couldn’t say no when his parents started training him to take over after his father and with Jensen backing him all the way, Jared didn’t have a reason to say no. He knew Jensen only wanted Jared to be happy and wanted to be with him no matter what job he took. He also knew if Jensen had given Jared a choice between him and the job, that Jared would have chosen Jensen without a second thought but Jensen was too nice for that. 

Things only got worse from there. 

He first noticed the changes in Jared when one night they were out drinking with some of his stuck up work buddies and Jared dropped in a joke about a t-shirt Jensen was wearing. Chad actually loves He-Man so he loved the shirt. He found the whole thing strange because Jared also loved He-Man. He remembers Jensen buying Jared a Power Rangers shirt one Christmas and Jared wouldn’t take the damn thing off; Jensen actually had to wash it when Jared was sleeping. But Chad had to sit there listening while the bastards laughed about how childish it was. He never wanted to hit someone as much as he did that night. Jensen tried to laugh it off with them but Chad could see that every dig took something out of him. After that, he noticed Jensen stopped wearing his funny t-shirts.

Then the bruises came.

It was poker night at Chris’s flat when he first noticed. Chris, Steve, Jensen and him all sat round dealing out cards and laughing about some stupid story Chris was telling. It used to be five of them but Chad had tried not to think about that. 

He remembers asking for the time and Jensen rolled his shirt sleeve back to look at his watch. That was when he spotted them. Seeing those bruises on Jensen wrist did something funny to his stomach. He didn’t know what that feeling was then but now he knows it was dread. But Chad had been stupid back then and he sat there wondering if Jared had gone all cave man on the guy that had hurt Jensen. Deep down he knew, but he just didn’t want to see it. He wanted to hold onto that image of Jared who gave him his chocolate milk. He wasn’t ready to let go of that Jared yet.

After that, Chad started to notice even when he didn’t want to. He noticed the way that Jared would flirt with any pretty girl, not bothering to be secretive, even when Jensen was just sitting there. He remembers laughing about it because the whole idea of Jared being with anyone who was not Jensen was just plan funny. Jared was gay. Chad thought Jared was just being friendly and he told Jensen that, who just gave him a sad smile which for some unknown reason made him want to go over and rip Jared apart from that blonde bitch. 

He never did.

The first time he found out that Jared actually slept with a woman, the image Chad had been trying so hard to hold onto finally shattered. He didn’t hold back one bit when he finally punched Jared. Of course, he never expected Jared to hit back and that had hurt more than the punch. 

Sometimes he would just sit around in silence, thinking about all the signs and his mind would start to paint a very ugly picture of Jared.

Chad just carried on watching from the side lines as Jensen got skinnier, paler, quieter, and after a while Jensen wasn’t Jensen anymore. He wondered why Steve and Chris never did anything. 

He thinks he should have carried Jensen out of there kicking and screaming. He probably would have hated him for it but Chad could have lived with that.

He didn’t do anything though. He was selfish. He wanted to hold onto that goofy, loveable, kind Jared. He wanted Jared to burp the alphabet again and to make stupid jokes.

One evening finally took that Jared away from him.

_Chad could not believe his eyes when they landed on the state of Jared and Jensen’s living room. There was glass on the floor from the table that had been broken but that wasn’t what made him sick to his stomach._

_There was blood everywhere._

_He never had seen so much blood before. The red stains were all over the wooden floor, on the cream colored sofa, a speck on the lamp and even some on the wooden cabinet. It looked like someone had hit their head on the corner of it. He squashed down his panic and went to look for Jared. He stepped into the hallway, calling out but he got no answer. He started checking rooms but he wasn’t having much luck. They were probably at the hospital and as he went to pull out his cell phone to call Jay he finally heard the typing. When he pushed open the office door, he froze._

_Jared sat at his laptop clicking away._

_What the fuck?_

_He stepped into the room but Jared didn’t even look up._

_“Are you hurt?” From what he could see Jared seemed perfectly fine, not a speck of blood on him._

_“No.” That left Jensen._

_“Whose blood is that, Jay?”_

_Jared just kept typing away._

_“It’s Jensen’s.” Chad placed a hand on the door frame to stop him from punching the living hell out of Jared. If Jensen was hurt then Jared should been at the hospital with him and not here fucking working._

_“What happened?”_

_That finally got Jared’s attention and he looked at Chad. Chad didn’t like what he saw. There was nothing on Jared’s face. No concern, no sadness, not even guilt._

_“How is that any of your business?” His voice held nothing. He even made it sound like Chad was wasting his time._

_“I’m your best friend, Jay.” He pointed out but still Jared’s face showed nothing._

_“We just had a bit of a disagreement and he fell into the glass table.”_

_Chad frowned, something still didn’t add up. The living room had looked like a war zone and there obviously had been a struggle. Plus there was a lot of blood on the wooden cabinet. It must have taken a lot of force for Jensen to break the table and then get back up to hit his head on the cabinet. If he tripped he would have just fallen into the table but he needed an extra push for him to hit his head on the wooden cabinet. He could understand Jensen hitting the table but how did he reach the cabinet unless someone shoved him. That thought made his whole body turn cold._

_“You pushed him.” It wasn’t a question. Chad had already known the answer._

_“For god sake’s Chad, stop being so overly dramatic.”_

_“Overly dramatic? Your fucking living room looks like a set from a horror movie.”_

_“It isn’t that bad.” He turned back to his laptop and started typing again. Chad decided it was time to stop screwing around. He was scared to ask this question but he needed to know._

_“Did he hit his head?” He whispered. Jared didn’t bother to answer and just nodded._

_“You let him fucking drive when he might have a concussion?” He didn't even bother to try and hide how angry he was because right then he just wanted to tear Jared apart._

_“Don’t worry; I’m sure the wonderful Christian Kane has come to his rescue with his trusted sidekick.” He spat out Chris’s name like it was venom which only pissed Chad off even more. Chris shouldn’t have to be the one to take Jensen to the hospital to check out his injuries; Jared should have gone with him. Jensen was his fucking fiancée and Jared just sat here working. Who the hell does that? Especially if those injuries were caused by Jared. Just thinking about it made him sick._

_"When did you become this cruel Jared?"_

_He never got an answer and all that was left in the room was the typing of keys on Jared laptop. So that was it then. Chad finally turned to make his way out of the door but stopped when he spotted a bloody hand print on the hallway wall. He closed his eyes and tried to calm his breathing. The thought of Jensen struggling to the bedroom to grab his car keys to drive to Chris’s for help was too painful to think about._

_“I never would hurt another human being on purpose and especially one I’m supposed to love.” He turned once again to Jared and Chad didn’t try to hide the tears running down his face. Tears for Jensen, tears for himself and most of all tears for Jared. “Ever since I met your family I knew that you would spend your life living on a certain line and I always thought Jen would be the one to keep you on the right side but now...” He trailed off as he looked back at the bloody print again. “You crossed the line Jared and there’s no coming back from that.” He walked out the door and never looked back._

He never spoke to Jared again after that. He doubted Jared was bothered by it and in truth if Jared walked past him when he was on fire, he highly doubted Jared would even spit on him. Not that he would do the same for Jared. 

Chad never had the guts to see Jensen that night. He sent a quick text to Chris but he never got a reply. It wasn’t until a few days later that he got a message from Steve saying that Jensen was okay. He doubted Jensen was anything but okay. 

It wasn’t until a year later when his girlfriend Sophia told him that she was pregnant that Chad finally understood what he had to do. 

He knew he couldn’t look at his own child when he felt all this guilt and regret, so he made the decision to finally see Jensen again. 

It actually took a while to find his location but he guessed both Steve and Chris liked it that way. He knew that Jensen never went back to the flat after what had happened that night and he also knew Jared never tried to get him back. Jared even got married to some brunette last month, it was all over the newspapers, and Chad wasn’t shocked about it. 

He finally took the time to see Jensen and drove to the beach house in the middle of nowhere .The place was actually quite a dump but it seemed to work for them. He never knew what to expect when it came to Jensen but once again Jensen surprised him. 

He remembers sitting on a very uncomfortable couch and spilling all his thoughts to Jensen while Chris stood as a guard dog in the background. He remembers Jensen hardly speaking, hardly even breathing, he remembers trying so hard to ignore the scar on Jensen forehead, and he remembers Steve dropping a cup and Jensen shaking. He never knew someone could break another person before but Jared always did have a way of doing what no one else could.

After that trip Chad made sure to drive up there every other weekend. He watched as Jensen slowly started becoming more human. He couldn’t wipe the huge grin off his face all week once he saw Jensen sitting there in a My Little Pony shirt. In some strange way that was one of the happiest days of his life. 

Before this all happened he wasn’t that close to Jensen but now in some fucked up way the loss of Jared brought them together. In truth, he didn’t have many friends and after losing Jared he did get lonely, but Jensen and company filled that gap. It may not be the healthiest relationship but Jensen could understand the pain of letting go. It’s messed up that some part of Chad talks like Jared is dead but in some ways Jared really is. So, he and Jensen mourn that loss together. 

On February 6th, Lilly Murray was born and Chad felt like he finally did something right. She was perfect and kind of looked like a monkey shaped walnut but she still was perfect.

It didn’t even come as a surprise when Sophia told him that she wanted Jensen to be the godfather. He couldn’t think of a better person. He knew that when he finally got the guts to ask Sophia to marry him that Jensen would be the one standing by his side.

Chad could say he finds it funny how things turned out but he doesn’t have it in him to laugh. 

Some days Sophia will leave the newspaper on the kitchen table. 

She never reads it.

The first few times he just threw it in the bin but after a while he gave up. He flicks through the business section and sometimes there’s nothing but other times there’s a whole article. 

He wonders if Jensen ever looks at it.

Chad sits, flicking though the TV channels when he hears a knock at the door. Sophia looks up from feeding Lilly and gives him a confused frown. He imagines he has the same look. They aren’t expecting company and who would knock on a Sunday evening anyways. When he finally answers the door, the person standing in front of him is the person he least expects it to be. For a second he is attempted to close the door but he stands his ground instead. 

“Murray.” Wow, on second name bases now. 

After three years of not seeing him, he thought he would feel something but looking at Jared now, he doesn’t feel a damn thing but pissed. 

“What may I do for you, Mr. Padalecki?” He sees movement in the corner of his eye, Sophia picking up Lilly and going to the bedroom. Jared’s noticed as well.

“You have a kid?” Chad makes the obvious movement of looking at Jared wedding ring.

“You have a wife.”

“What is it called?” He seriously wants to laugh. Did Jared just call Lilly ‘It’? He’s really tempted to close the door now but Jared has stuck his foot in the way. 

“Look, just say what you want to say and leave.” 

“I’m just trying to make conversation.” For a second, it actually sounds like Jared was begging but that idea is ridiculous. This Jared doesn’t beg.

“You're a few years too late.”

“Murray...” Chad quickly interrupts because he can’t stand Jared pretending this is like a fucking board meeting and that Chad is one of his clients.

“My name is Chad.” He has the pleasure of seeing Jared clench his fist. “Now what do you want, Jared?”

“I need Jensen’s address.” Now Chad did laugh.

“You’re shitting me right?” 

“I know you know where he is.”

“And you think I’ll tell you?” He was slammed up against the door in seconds with Jared’s elbow pressing into his throat. Quickly, he feels scared and that quick second is enough to make his decision that Jared will never know where Jensen is. 

“Where the fuck is he?” Jared hisses into his face. 

“Get the hell out of my apartment.” The elbow at his throat tightens.

“I’m not messing around here so fucking spit it out.” In a weird way it was refreshing to see Jared lose his cool. He’s so used to Jared’s indifference that seeing him pissed made him want to smile or see a therapist.

Before he could answer, Sophia’s voice cut in.

“You get off him right now or I won’t think twice about calling the police.” 

Jared looks at him for a few more seconds and then he backs away. He straightens his tie and fingers his hair back in place, he doesn’t spare a single glare Chad’s way.

Chad coughs lightly and shakes his head a little to clear it. He opens the front door and holds it, waiting for Jared to leave. Jared looks like he’s having a fight in his head whether to go or not. He finally nods to both and leaves.

After the door is shut Chad slowly slides down it. 

“You okay?” He looks up to see Sophia kneeling in front of him. Every single day he wonders how he got so lucky to have her. He slowly pulls her in and just holds her. 

He had so many questions in his head but he puts all them away because he has a bigger decision to make. 

Should he tell Jensen?

He really doesn’t know what to do. Jared obliviously wants Jensen for a reason but for what? Maybe Jared won’t find him and warning Jensen will just make him panic. Jensen’s being doing so well lately and he doesn’t need this crap now or ever. 

After sitting there for a few minutes they hear Lilly start to cry. Sophia gives him a quick kiss and leaves the room. 

He bangs his head against the door and just let his eyes close.

He reaches into his trouser pocket and pulls out his mobile. He presses speed dial and waits for an answer. It’s only two rings when he hears his voice.

“Hello?”


	3. Chapter 3

_Darling heart, I loved you from the start,_  
 _But you'll never know what a fool I've been,_  
 _Darling heart, I loved you from the start,_  
 _But that's no excuse for the state I'm in – Florence And The Machines ‘Hardest Of Hearts’_

“Sir?”

“Mr. Ackles?”

Jensen looks up from the papers he’s marking, more like he’s been on the same paper for more than half an hour now but for some odd reason he just can’t seem to get in the game today. He sees the voice belongs to one of his students. She’s standing in front of his desk with a book under her arm. He knows that book very well. 

“Sorry about that, Becky. What can I do for you?”

He’s also familiar with the look that she’s aiming at him. He’s had to put up with it every single day from Chris, Steve, Chad and even on some days Sophia. Yeah, he’s acquainted with it very well. 

“I just wanted to say thank you for telling me about this book, it was amazing and really helped.”

“Oh, well that’s good then. Glad I could help.” He gives her a nod hoping she takes the hint and leaves. He’s usually not like the teachers that dislike their job and curse all their students but today he thinks he could be. He just wants to be left alone. Becky seems to notice it as she makes her way toward the door. Jensen turns his attention back to his student’s paper and starts re-reading but he doesn’t get far before the same voice interrupts again. 

“I know it’s none of my business but are you okay, Mr. Ackles?” He doesn’t know whether to cry or laugh. A 16 year old could see right through his act. He wonders for a second what her face would look like if he told her all his thoughts and darkest secrets, he’s pretty sure she’d run from the room yelling he was insane. He’s sure he’s thought himself insane most days anyway. 

“I’m fine, Becky.” He tries for a smile but it’s like moving a brick wall, his whole face feels heavy. She stares at him for a few seconds and she seems to decide. 

“I hope I won’t get in trouble for saying this but some days it seems like you’re not really here.” It doesn’t surprise him that Becky notices this. She is one of his smartest students since he first started here. In some ways she reminds him of when he was younger. She always seems to want to learn, naturally curious. She had come to ask him if his first name was Jensen after she had spotted one of his photographs hanging in an art gallery across town. He didn’t want to tell her the truth at first because he never wanted to think about that picture again but she had looked at him with such hope and awe that he couldn’t lie. After that she started asking more about photography and he helped her. He never got to live his dream but maybe Becky could. 

It’s still difficult. 

It wasn’t like he was the one that showed his portfolio to the gallery director in the first place. Chris was constantly his biggest fan when it came to his photographs and he wasn’t sure if it was because he was his best friend or if he did actually like them. At the time, the gallery only had room for one piece. It was a photo of an ice-covered lake. Jensen remembered feeling deserted and gloomy while taking it. That image didn’t mean anything now because he understood what real loneliness and sadness felt like. That frozen lake couldn’t have possible felt what he feels without cracking. 

He still speaks to the director, a sweet woman named Samantha. The only trouble is that each time they speak she asks if he’s taken any more photos. Chris had said that when Sam had seen his portfolio she fell in love with it, so now every time they chat she expresses excitement at the chance to show all of his work at her gallery. What she doesn’t comprehend is that Jensen doesn’t do that anymore. A huge part of taking a photo to him were the feelings it evoked and Jensen doesn’t feel anymore. It’s painless that way. 

“Honestly, Becky, I’m fine.” She seems to buy it, gives him a grin. 

“Alright, is it still okay if I bring those photos for you to look at tomorrow?”

“You do know we have an art teacher for that, right?”

“Yeah, but she doesn’t get it...not like you.” With that, she finally leaves. 

He looks at his watch to see that it’s about time to head home. Jensen stretches his arms over his head and waits for that pleasant pop. He jerks when he feels a vibration coming from his pocket, knows who it is without even looking. Every day his phone goes off at this time so Chris can be put at ease knowing Jensen’s still breathing. 

“I’m leaving now.”

“Sorry?” That definitely wasn’t a male voice. 

“Oh, sorry. I thought you were Chris.”

He hears a chuckle on the other end before she answers. “Chris still doing his mama bear act again? I better not keep you long then. I was wondering if you’re free next Friday.”

“I don’t know how your husband would feel about that.” She chuckles again. 

“If only I was ten years younger. No, I need your help at the gallery.” That’s a weird request. Sure, he meets Sam every so often for coffee but he rarely sets foot in her gallery. Just being in that environment makes his heart ache so he tries to avoid it. 

“What kind of help?”

“We’re holding an opening for a new girl and I thought you might enjoy seeing how a show is put together.” Now he gets it. 

“Sam, I’m thankful for what you’re trying to do but I haven’t taken a photograph in nearly...” he trails off because he could say three years but that wasn’t the right. The last time he picked up his camera was nearly four years ago and it wasn’t even his camera anymore but the shattered pieces of it. He feels the first signs of tears at the corner of his eyes but shuts them quickly before any can escape. He won’t shed one more tear for that man. 

“Look, Sam, I just don’t do that anymore.” He hears the quiet sigh before she answers.

“Ok. Ok. I’ll stop being a nag but you should come anyway. This might be Megan’s first opening but her work is really something and you might even enjoy yourself. Plus I’ll even let you bring your two bodyguards.” 

A ‘no’ was on the tip of his tongue but then he thought of the smile Chris would present him with if he told him he was going to the gallery or even going out. Chris has already done so much for him and maybe it was time to start giving back.

“Alright.”

“Wait, what? Really? Here I was waiting for a fight but I guess this is even better. I’ll see you at eight then?”

“Yeah, okay.” He hears the dial tone just when the phone starts vibrating again. Looks like it’s time for his check-up. He loves Chris, he truly does, but the dude can be overbearing. Jensen can’t really blame him, if the roles were reversed and Chris had ended up at his door in the middle of night covered in blood, if he had ended up not talking to him for nearly three months, losing so much weight and never asking once for help, Jensen was sure he wouldn’t let Chris out of his sight either. He might even lock him in a tower and go hunt for a dragon to stand guard or he could just offer Steve the role.

“Hey, are you heading home?” Yeah, that was unquestionably Chris’s voice.

“Yeah, I’m on my way now.” 

He listens to Chris babble on about some order mix up at the bar, while he heads to his car. He says a quick bye and then head off.

People may look at their beach house and see a mess but to Jensen it feels more like a home than living in a stylish, rich apartment. It’s home because he knows the moment he opens the front door, he’ll smell food, hear Chris humming away, see Steve doing some crossword in his favourite armchair. The moment he steps into the house he’ll hear Steve calling out, asking about his day and he’ll see Chris turn around and show him the biggest grin in the world. 

Jensen’s finally home. 

**:::**

It isn’t until a week later that things begin to fall down around him. 

“Hello?”

“Hey, Jen.” Chad doesn’t have to say anymore. He knows Chad well enough by now to know that tone in his voice. Chad’s frightened. 

“What did he want?” 

“Your address.” The cold dread starts creeping in and he digs his nails into his palm to keep himself grounded, but before he can ask Chad carries on. “I never gave it to him.” 

Jensen suddenly feels remorse for even thinking for just a second that Chad would have told. He doesn’t know whether to call Chad a fool or brave or maybe he should just settle on a brave fool. He understands better than anyone that when Jared wants something he won’t stop until he gets it. Jensen doesn’t doubt that Chad could have gotten hurt and for that he will always be thankful.

“Thank you.”

“Don’t be stupid, Jen. I just wanted to give you a heads up, just in case.”

“Still, thank you.”

“Yeah, okay, just take care, yeah? And I’ll see you next weekend.”

“See you then.” He places the phone on the side and just stands there. He isn’t ready to see Jared again and he doubts he’ll ever be ready. He knows Jared will find him; it’s just a matter of time. 

Time is everything. 

Jensen had always thought that if you waited patiently for something that one day you’d get it. But now he knows that no matter how long he stays patient, something that he wants won’t come. 

He knows people wonder why he stayed with Jared but what they don’t understand is that Jensen was waiting. 

Jared wasn’t always the man he is today. There was a time when Jared was the most brilliant man Jensen had ever met. He amazed him every day. What Jensen thought was the greatest thing about Jared was that he wasn’t perfect and Jensen wasn’t bothered by it one bit. 

He loved that Jared was so clumsy that on their first date he tripped over and ended up knocking his whole beer on Jensen lap. _“Shit, Jensen, I’m so sorry. God, I’m an idiot.”_ Jensen never had seen someone turn so red. He just laughed it off and he thinks Jared might have fallen a bit in love with him right then. 

He loved that Jared spoke before he really thought about it.

 _“I would never fuck with Jensen...unless we were actually fucking because well you need to be fucking if your fucking...okay I’ll shut up now.”_ It had Jensen once again laughing as both Chris and Jared turned bright red for very different reasons.

He loved that Jared couldn’t contain his excitement to hear about Jensen’s day.

 _“So tell me, tell me, did any creepy little kids come in the book store today to buy any porn, come on Jen, tell me, pretty please?”_ Jensen didn’t even mind that he had his mouth full at the time. He didn’t even care when Jared ended up spitting bits of food on the table, laughing, when Jensen told him that 

_“No, not everyone is like you, Jay.”_

He loved that after their first night together Jared brought him breakfast in bed which pretty much was a packet of skittles and a Mars bar. 

_”Don’t ever say I don’t treat you, Jen.”_ He really couldn’t say anything when Jared was looking at him like he had just won the lottery. 

Finally, he loved that no matter how many times he brushed Jared hair out of his eyes that a second later it fell right back. Jared refused to ever cut it.

_“You don’t understand, Jen. I’m waiting for Baywatch to be turned into a movie because the director will be asking who has the best hair and of course it’ll be me. So, I need to keep the hair.”_

The Jared now is never clumsy, only talks when needs to, never talks when eating, never eats candy and gels his hair back. 

He thought if he waited long enough that he would one day spot Jared being clumsy or eating a packet of milky stars, he truly prayed that one day he would become Jared again. 

It never happened. 

Jensen waited and waited. He put up with the cheating, the loneliness, the looks, the nasty words and even the abuse. He just couldn’t recognize that this was _his_ Jared. 

He couldn’t even tell when their relationship had started to collapse. They had been together for nearly seven years and neither of them were angels. They had their fair share of arguments but the fights were just about silly things, like who forgot to buy the coffee, which person left the wet towel on the floor, just stupid stuff and each argument ended the same way. Both of them admitting they were in the wrong.

One thing they have never been to each other was spiteful.

_Jensen woke up from some kind of fucked up dream about squirrels starting a band. He turned around to reach out for Jared but was met with a cold space. It wasn’t unusual for Jared to get up early and go for a run but today was Sunday._

_Sundays were always theirs._

_He made himself get out of bed and reached for a t-shirt, heading out of the room. Jensen dodged around the moving boxes as he made his way toward the noise._

_“Jared?” He mumbled reaching the kitchen and seeing Jared already dressed for the day._

_In his suit._

_“Go back to bed, Jen.” Jared didn’t even look up from his files as he sorted them out on the counter._

_“You’re going into work?” Today they were supposed to spend a lazy day unpacking boxes. Jensen had already packed up their old apartment by himself and he didn’t even want to move. He liked their old place. It took them both working two jobs to pay for it but it was theirs, Jared’s and Jensen’s. This apartment didn’t feel right the moment he stepped in it. Everything was made of metal or glass and looked expensive. The whole lot just screamed impersonal._

_“I’m sorry, Jen, but it’s important.” Something was always more important than Jensen lately. He just wished he could spend one day with Jared without his fucking phone going off. He watched as Jared started packing his files in his fancy new briefcase, he missed Jared’s old backpack that had silly patches on it, but Jared’s mother couldn’t have her son walking around with something so tatty and he doubted she was just talking about the backpack._

_“Milo said a new case just arrived and he thinks I might want to take a look at it.” Oh, Milo said so, Jensen finally understands...or not. He’s not a person to judge a book by its cover but Milo reminds him of a weasel, a slimy creepy weasel. He didn’t trust the guy one bit._

_“But you already have two, Jay.” Jensen spots the dark circles under Jared’s eyes and worry is quickly replaced with being pissed. Jared stopped by the doorway and for the first time Jensen sees something that shocks him. Disgust. He can’t quite wrap his mind around that but he can’t ignore the warning bells going off in his head that tell him something was seriously wrong._

_“You think I can’t handle it?” Jared said it like he was fed up with repeating himself but Jensen was positive that they never had a fight like this one. His brain was still trying to catch up from where they seemed to go from having a conversation to dangerous territory._

_“Of course you can Jared but...” He trailed off because he wasn’t sure how to say what he wanted to without pushing Jared closer to the edge._

_“But what?”_

_“But you don’t have to run yourself into the ground to impress your mother.” He seemed to hit dead on with that comment. Jared’s eyes widened before a wall came down. When did Jared start locking him out?_

_“Yeah.” Jared snorted. “Well, news flash Jensen, this has nothing to do with you.” He snapped his briefcase shut and headed toward the front door. “Someone like you couldn’t even begin to understand what it means to make a parent proud.”_

_Jensen froze as he let each cruel word stab at him. He heard the front door slam shut and finally let out the breath he was holding._

_He can’t remember how long he had stood there but after a bit he decided to start unpacking the kitchen boxes. He thought if he kept busy he wouldn’t have to think about what had happened and spends hours trying to think what he should have done differently. Another part of him knows he’s trying to block out the voice asking when Jared had become so arrogant and self-righteous._

_He put away the new china plates. He thought he preferred it when he and Jared used to sit around eating off plastic ones. He placed his beloved coffee maker on the marble slab and thought it looked as miserable as he did. It didn’t fit with the whole theme of the kitchen which yelled, we have money. Jensen never cared about that. He could remember when Jared first showed him their old place. It only had three rooms; kitchen, bathroom and they used the living room as their bedroom. Most of their friends called it tiny, it was crammed full with their junk but Jensen never minded, he enjoyed the crate they used to put the TV on, he liked the bed they used as a sofa as well, he even came to be fond of the damp smell in the bathroom. But the thing he liked the most was Jared was there the day they moved in. They couldn’t keep their hands off each other and in the end only managed to unpack the X-Box._

_It took four hours to finally finish the kitchen and he was exhausted. This wasn’t supposed to be a one man job, he supposed he could call Chris but he doubted he would be very helpful. Chris got bored too easy and would end up causing more of a mess than what they had started with. Steve would be a great help but then he would tell Chris and Chris would be all bitchy for not inviting him so really he couldn’t win. No one wanted to deal with a bitchy Chris._

_He started opening the boxes in the living room and putting away DVDs and CDs. He spotted a box with tape that said fragile on the front so Jensen made sure to handle it with care. He was just about to place the glass vase Jared’s mother had bought Jared as congratulations for doing so well at work, when he tripped over one of the boxes. The next second he felt the vase hit the floor. He watched as it smashed into little pieces and thought it was a damn ugly vase anyway._

_He couldn’t help the amused laugh that bubbled out when he thought the damn vase probably was the only thing that actually matched the apartment. He stepped over the pieces carefully and went to get a dust pan and brush._

_After a few more hours his body was completely drained. He flopped down on the sofa and his nose was assaulted with leather and Jensen hated it already. Even after placing most of the stuff in the living room, the place still didn’t feel like his. Everything of his seemed to stand out but Jared’s stuff fit right in. The thought made his stomach twist in knots. One of the things that attracted him to Jared in the first place was that they had a lot in common but now looking around the room he noticed Jared’s taste had seemed to change and he wondered how he didn’t notice before. He was shaken from his musings when he heard the key turn in the lock._

_“Hey.” At least Jared seemed to have calmed down. Jensen sat perfectly still as Jared kneeled in front of him. Jared took his hands in his own and gently kneaded the skin there._

_“I’m sorry.” Those two words put every worry Jensen had to rest. He reached out, cupped Jared’s cheek, and pulled him closer to bite at Jared’s lower lip before kissing him. It was just a simple kiss but it brought calmness to Jensen and by the way Jared’s shoulders slumped he thought it also brought that to Jared. When they finally parted, his breath caught at how miserable Jared looked. He felt Jared’s forehead press into his._

_“I don’t deserve you.” Jared whispered in such a heartbreaking voice, but before he could disagree Jared’s lips pressed a tiny kiss to his forehead then stood to walk over to the fridge for a beer. Jared pulled his tie off and then twisted the lid off the bottle before taking a swig, his eyes widened as he took in the now full kitchen._

_“Wow, Jen, I didn’t honestly expect you to do all this by yourself.” Jensen spotted regret in Jared’s eyes but in a flash it was gone._

_“It wasn’t a problem. I didn’t have anything else to do today.” He felt Jared’s hand stroke the back of his neck before he flopped down next to him on the coach with a sigh._

_“Busy day?”_

_“Yeah.” That was all Jensen usually got whenever he would ask a question about Jared’s day. He never spoke about work and after a while Jensen stopped asking for details. He was sure if Jared had a problem he would speak to him about it. He got that Jared wanted to show his parents they made the right decision by training him to take over one day but Jensen didn’t like seeing him run himself down. Jensen didn’t know much on parent’s love but he knew Jared’s parents should be proud of him no matter what._

_He had only met Jared’s family a few times and that was mostly at their annual Christmas party. He never got why Jared kept him away but it wasn’t until after his first meeting with them that he understood. He didn’t get a chance to meet Jeff but Megan was lovely. Jared’s father was a bit distant at first but when Jensen brought up sports he didn’t seem to shut up and by the next Christmas party both Megan and Jared’s father acted like he was part of the family. The only problem he had with the Padalecki clan was Sherri. She didn’t even try to hide her disgust that Jensen was a man and would only speak to him when needed. Christ, even when they got the ‘congratulations on the new home’ card in the post his name wasn’t included. Jared would laugh it off and say she just forgot. He couldn’t disagree with that because Jared’s family was everything to him._

_They sat in silence for a few more minutes until Jared’s stomach broke it. Jared gave a sheepish laugh and Jensen saw the red blush start to spread on his cheeks. This was the Jared he knew. Jensen made his way toward the kitchen to make something to eat when he noticed a piece of glass he forgot to sweep. Shit, he forgot about that._

_“Hey.” He muttered as he starting looking around the fridge. It was pretty bare but he thought he could scrape enough stuff up for an omelette._

_“Hmm.”_

_“I had an accident today with one of the boxes and ended up breaking something.”_

_“You okay?” Call him twisted for smiling at the concern in Jared’s voice but after the day he had he needed that concern._

_“Yeah,‘course. I’m just sorry I broke it.”_

_“Accidents happen Jen, it’s not the end of the world.”_

_Wow that felt like a huge weight off his shoulders. He started pulling out the ingredients he needed when he heard the question he was hoping Jared would forget to ask._

_“What did you break?” Fuck._

_“Err...” He trailed off feeling... almost nervous._

_“Jen?”_

_He thought he should treat it like ripping a bandage off a wound. Just get it over with._

_“I broke that vase your mother brought.” There._

_“What?”_

_“You know the green vase your mother bought last year sometime.”_

_“Yeah, I know what vase, Jen. I just don’t understand how you could break it.”_

_“It was an accident, Jared, and like you said just a few seconds ago, accidents happen.”_

_“Yes, I know that but I made sure that the vase was well protected with extra padding in the box .How the hell did you break it?” Jensen tried not to flinch at the tone of Jared’s voice but he couldn’t help it._

_“I’m sorry, Jared. I didn’t do it on purpose, I had the vase in my hand and I went to put it on the shelf but didn’t see the other box there. I tripped over it and the vase fell.” He felt so stupid explaining it._

_“For fuck’s sake, how hard is it to miss a box? Seriously Jensen, those boxes are huge.” He started to feel his hands shake as his placed the ingredients down by the oven. Jared had never spoken to him like he was a moron before. Every word felt like a kick in the gut._

_“Look, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean for it to happen and I can’t go back to save the vase. End of it.”_

_The next second he felt Jared come up behind him and he looked back sharply. He saw Jared’s nostrils flaring and the red crawling up his neck definitely wasn’t because he was embarrassed. He had seen Jared angry before but never directed at him. It made him want to crawl up into a tiny ball and hide. He cursed himself for letting Jared intimidate him._

_“You're sorry? That’s just makes everything alright, doesn’t it? You know what that vase meant to me. You couldn’t have just watched where you fucking stepped.” He didn’t shout those words but taunted them in Jensen’s ear. Somehow that felt worse._

_Grow a pair, Ackles, a voice which sounded very much like Chris mocked in his head. The voice was right, he wasn’t going to be spoken to like that especially over some fucking vase that Jared used to keep under the goddamn sink._

_He turned around and shoved Jared out of his space. That only seemed to make Jared even angrier. He felt the air rush out of his lungs as his back hit the fridge. The pain was oddly comforting. He made sure to focus on that instead of looking at Jared’s face._

_“How would you feel if I broke something important to you?” Jared breathed right into his face. Jensen made sure his centre of attention stayed on the pain of the door handle digging into his back. He wouldn’t give Jared the satisfaction of seeing him scared but harsh fingers gripped his chin and forced his eyes to meet Jared’s. “Answer the question.”_

_“If it was an accident and you apologised then I would easily forgive and forget.” He answered truthfully because he trusted Jared would never break anything of his on purpose but Chris’s voice started yelling at him again. Jensen tuned it out. He didn’t need to know how pathetic he was at the moment._

_He was beginning to get uncomfortable with the way Jared was looking at him. Suddenly, Jared was backing off and turning from the room. Jensen took a few shaky breaths and didn’t know whether he was supposed to follow or if Jared just wanted to cool off alone. He ended up having the choice taken from him as Jared re-entered the room. Jensen froze when he saw what he was carrying._

_“What are you doing with that?”_

_Jared gave him such an ugly smirk that Jensen felt the hairs on his arm stand up. This was stupid. He shouldn’t be fucking scared of the guy who cried at watching Bambi._

_“Well, Jensen, you did just say you would forgive and forget if I broke something of yours.” He was kidding, right? Jared had to be just fucking around. He wouldn’t seriously break that knowing how much it meant to him._

_“I said if it was an accident, Jared.” Jensen placed both of his hands out in front of him, trying to calm Jared down like some wild animal. “Please, Jared, just put it down.” He pleaded desperately while trying to keep his hands still._

_“But Jen, don’t you think it’s only fair that I break something of yours that was just important as my vase?”_

_“Jared that was just some stupid vase! You thought it was hideous when you first saw it. You even fucking shoved it under the bathroom sink!”_

_Those seemed to be the wrong words to say because the next second he heard the crash against the wall. The sound so loud over his tearing heartbeat._

_He didn’t look down to where his camera now laid in pieces. He felt his whole body shake and knew tears where already falling. He can’t remember how long he stood there until he cringed away when he felt Jared put a hand on his shoulder. Jared quickly took his hand away before replacing it with two strong arms around his waist. Jensen felt like his body was boneless and that the only thing keeping him standing was Jared._

_“Shit, Jen I don’t know why I did that. I’m so sorry.”_

_When Jared got no answer he carried on in a more frantic tone. “I’m so sorry, Jensen. I don’t know what’s wrong with me lately. I just get so angry all the time but I shouldn’t have done that. Fuck Jen, speak to me.”_

_Jensen couldn’t even find the energy to get pissed or speak, he just stood there being held while he listened to Jared apologise over and over._

_He didn’t feel anything but empty._

_That camera was the only evidence he had, no, used to have to show he was once loved. It was a gift from his Grandfather and he remembered feeling like he had the whole world in his hands when he passed it along to Jensen on his twelve birthday. Now that said camera laid in pieces by the wall._

_One thing he was certain about was that he wouldn’t forgive and he certainly wouldn’t forget._

He was blind not to see it back then but the next morning he woke up to see a brand new camera sitting on the table. After that they never spoke about it again but he never used the new camera and he stopped taking pictures. He doubted Jared even noticed, or if he did he never asked. Maybe he just didn’t care anymore. 

Jensen honestly did think after that ‘accident’, things would get better but they only got worse. 

“Hey, Jen, you ready?” 

He gazes back at his reflection in the dresser mirror and see’s that he still has a long way to go. He was still too thin, so much that his suit jacket didn’t fit right on his shoulders. He wishes now that he spent some time looking for a new one but he doesn’t see the point of spending all that money for a suit that he’d probably only wear once. He loathes wearing suits but he doesn’t think Sam would be pleased if he showed up in jeans and t-shirt. He made sure to just stick with a simple white shirt to go with the grey suit and he refuses to wear any tie to go with it. 

He sucks in a breath and lets it out slowly. He plants Jared in the back of his mind and walks out the door. 

He sees Chris and Steve waiting for him by the front door. It shouldn’t really surprise him that Chris isn’t wearing a suit but at least he picked a pair of jeans without holes. Steve looks handsome in a brown suit with a blue button down and he even made an effort with a tie. 

“Sorry, Jen but he refused to wear anything with buttons.” Steve says with a smile and dodges when Chris’s elbow went his way.

“Hey! I don’t see why I have to dress up just to look at pictures.” He places an arm around Jensen and drags him toward the truck. “At least I made sure to shower.” Chris turns back toward Steve, who is locking the front door to shout “Be thankful for that!” Jensen lets out a small chuckle. He looks up to see both Steve and Chris smiling at him before they return their attention back toward the truck.

Chris jumps into the driver’s seat while Jensen calls shotgun out to Steve who’s mumbling something about idiots but still climbs into the cab. 

They make their way across town towards Sam’s gallery, which is lit up like a Christmas tree. Jensen had been here a small number of times but never at night. The front windows are lined with white fairy lights and even the trees out front have lights in them. He wouldn’t admit it out loud because he doesn’t want to hear Chris’s mocking but the place looks stunning. Chris manages to find a parking space down the street and they make their way inside. 

The whole place is buzzing the moment they let the door close. It’s tastefully decorated and not garish. It has a bar in the corner, a food table, and all around them were different photographs, some on walls and others on stands. Each photograph has its own spotlight which gives the room an eerie kind of look but still pleasant. The room is crowded with guests, all dressed in expensive outfits, Jensen pulls his jacket tighter around himself. He suddenly feels very out of place. 

He looks behind him to speak to Chris but he’s already gone. He searches the room for his friend until his eyes land on the food table. Chris is piling food onto a plate like it’s the end of the world. He looks over to the hired bar and sees Steve chatting to Sam’s husband, Jeff. Jensen’s so focused on his friends that he misses Sam calling his name. It isn’t until he feels a tap on his arm that he turns around. 

But what he sees makes his blood run cold. 

“Jensen?” 

In the next second he finds himself with an armful of Megan Padalecki. 

“Oh my God!” He doesn’t hug her back but he gives her an awkward pat, she finally releases him and takes his face in both of her hands. “It really is you.” 

Sam looks between them with obvious confusion but before she can ask something behind him catches her attention. She quickly smiles at both of them before rushing off. He turns his head slightly to see Chris having an argument with some fancy dressed woman. He’s just about to step in but then he looks to their hands locked in battle over something. When he looks closer he discovers it’s a sausage roll. There playing tug of war with a fucking sausage roll.

Morons.

He notices Sam disappear somewhere in the back and comes back a second later with a new pack of them. 

“Wow, Jensen, I can’t believe it, how long has it been?” He quickly steps back before she can give him another hug but she doesn’t seem bothered by the rejection. Jensen never was one for people touching him, especially her family. He doesn’t have a problem with Megan; she always was pleasant with him but just looking at her eyes makes him feel sick. “How have you been?”

He could lie and say he was doing great or he can tell her that thanks to her bastard of a brother’s minds game Jensen was completely messed up in the head and highly doubted he would ever have another relationship because he now brought along a ton of trust issues. 

“I’m doing great, Meg. How about you?”

She seems to buy it because the next half hour he stands there listening to her tell him all about what college was like and how she fell in love with photography. He doesn’t mind her speaking, that means she wouldn’t ask questions. She finally finishes her tale about meeting her boyfriend of a year when she asks the question that he would much rather eat his own tongue than answer. 

“You speak to Jared lately?”

“No.” Jensen whispers, hoping she will drop the subject. 

“Aw, that’s a shame. I always liked you two together and I’ve never seen Jared so besotted before.” It was obvious that she didn’t have a clue what had happened and a part of him wonders what web of lies Jared had told her about him leaving. She doesn’t seem to want to rip his balls off so the story can’t have been that bad. He wonders if he would get any enjoyment out of telling her what her brother was truly like but Megan doesn’t deserve that. 

“Yeah, it’s a shame.” A shame my ass. 

She seems to look at him for a few seconds before deciding whether to ask the next question and Jensen wishes she wouldn’t. He isn’t one for lying but in this case he thinks it’s best. He doesn’t know if Megan and Jared are still close and if she thinks anything weird is going on with Jensen. He can already guess she would gossip about it with Jared and that would lead to Jared asking which town he was in. He couldn’t have that happen. Megan seems to see something on his face because instead of speaking she just gives him a smile and walks off to talk to someone else. 

He thinks he should be thankful for that but something about that smile puts him on edge. There’s a certain sadness to it. He just prays that she won’t mention his name to Jared and he doubts she’ll have a reason to unless Jared brings up her show, and the Jared he knows only thinks about himself. He’s safe for the time being.

He feels a pat on his shoulder and turns round to face Chris who seems to be having a struggle with how much food he can stick into his mouth.

“Great show right?” Chris asks, his mouth full of food. He may have found that quality cute on a certain someone but on Chris he just looks like a beaver. 

”Since when is the food table part of a show?”

“Hey, I can eat and look .I must admit the chick’s stuff isn’t half bad.”

“Half bad?”

“Yeah, you know it’s alright but it’s not yours.”

He doesn’t know what to say to that as he turns his attention to some of Megan’s photographs. Chris is right about them being not half bad. She’s got a good eye but she stuck to one theme. Most of her work involves flowers, pets, pretty things but Megan really needs to explore other aspects of life. She sticks to things that are beautiful in appearance but she doesn’t understand yet that you can find beauty even in the ugliest of places. 

“She’s got a good eye.” 

“That she has.” Chris says around a mouthful of cheese while looking at a photo of a valley of daises and a few buttercups. It really is a charming sight.

“I’ll always remember that picture you took of an abandoned factory, I thought it was such a stupid idea because the whole place was falling apart and I didn’t get why someone would want to look at that but it wasn’t until I saw the picture that I understood.”

“Understood what?” 

Chris turns around to face him and he notices the way his friends gaze softens. 

“You see not only the good but the bad as well.”

Chris turns to look at the plate in his hands and mumbles something about some bitch stealing his sausage roll. He finally settles on a scotch egg and goes back to looking at the photographs. 

Jensen has wondered many times over the past few years what he did to deserve someone like Chris. Chris already had his fair share of crap dished out to him but even after everything he’s still standing by his side. He still gets Jensen like no one else ever has or ever will. He can’t wipe the smile off his face as he speaks his next words. 

“Thank you.” 

“Hmm...What?” Chris turns toward him with his mouth full again.

“Thank you for understanding me.” 

“Yeah well...” He has the pleasure of seeing Chris’s cheeks flush bright red before he starts nervously picking food up off his plate. “You get me too, you know.”

“I know.” 

He watches as Chris starts squirming like a child. He’s nervously chewing on his lip before he gives Jensen a sneaky look. “Is this some plan of yours, be nice to me and I will give you tasty food in exchange.” Jensen can’t hold back the laughter at that statement. It’s the perfect way to break the mood.

“Because trust me, son, you aren’t getting any of this.” Chris continues to shove food into his mouth. His mood quickly changes when he hears the quiet mumble “I always dream that someday I’ll be standing in a room just like this one but the work I’ll be staring at will be yours.”

He’s about to say, “I thought so too” but stops. Chris didn’t say dreamed, he said dream. He isn’t sure whether to laugh at the cruel reality that Chris still believes that Jensen is capable of doing something like that or to weep for the fact that Chris still wants that for him. Instead he settles for stealing a crisp off Chris’s plate and ignoring the growl that goes along with it. He starts to walk to where Sam is chatting to Steve when he speaks over his shoulder.

“One day.”

Chris stops from taking another mouthful and looks at Jensen in astonishment. He smiles that brilliant smile that makes Jensen believe it was worth lying. 

**:::**

Monday soon arrives and brings along a friend called trouble.

He couldn’t call what he did with Jared running away; it was more like a fresh start. He didn’t necessarily need to move halfway across the country but Jensen can’t even remember making a choice about it. He can’t remember much of those first few months. He wonders how Chris and Steve both coped with living with a ghost and he also wonders who got his stuff from Jared’s apartment. He doubts it was Chris because he’s still a free man. He didn’t want to think about what Steve must have thought stepping in there. He just hopes Jared had the common sense to clear up all his blood. Just the thought of it makes him hurt but these days Jensen’s always hurting.

Over the past few years Jensen has good days and other days... not so good. Chris jokes that it’s like living with twins but even Jensen can tell it takes a lot out of both Chris and Steve when Jensen has his off days. Days he just spends in bed, not eating, not sleeping and barely even breathing. He spends those days thinking about all the mistakes he’s made. 

He doesn’t want to see Jared again because he’s afraid he would return to waiting. But there is something he fears more than anything and that is Chris meeting Jared again. He doubts either Jensen or Steve could stop him and that scares him shitless. Guilt already sits heavily on his shoulders and he doesn’t think he’d be able to manage anymore if Chris ends up locked away. He can’t let that happen.

After three years, he really doesn’t think Jared will show his face again but when he comes home Monday to see Steve waiting for him on the deck with four empty beer bottles next to him, he knows the past has finally caught up with him. 

“We can’t let Chris know.” 

“It’s not something we can keep from him, Jen.” Steve sounds tired. Jensen takes a seat next to him and doesn’t ask why he’s sitting out here. He already guesses that Chris is home and that Steve wants to talk to him first. Though Steve hides it well Jensen knows he’s just as worried about Chris meeting Jared as he is. Still Steve never was one for secrets and Jensen thinks maybe some part of Steve hates him for all the ones he’s kept hidden for so many years and for the ones he still keeps.

“We have to Steve. This is my problem and I will deal with it.” The words come out of his mouth without thinking about it and the next second he hears the crash as Steve’s beer bottle hits the pavement. 

“NO, you don’t get to say that Jensen, Fuck!” Steve starts pacing back and forth, not stopping to look at him. “This wasn’t just YOUR problem from the moment you came to Chris’s door looking like road kill.” Jensen can’t hear him anymore. He tries so hard to stop his body from trembling but he can’t. Every time he hears glass break he’s in that room again, lying in a puddle of his own blood, the crunch of glass underneath his hands, feeling the white hot pain. 

He’s in that room again and he can’t get out.

He starts biting his bottom lip viciously to keep the tears at bay, his body shaking even more. He feels his throat start to close up as he tries to breathe in air but all he can see is Jared’s cold stare. 

_“Jared, please, I need help. I can’t ...please.”_

“Shit, Jensen.” 

_“Well, Jensen, you’re so perfect and can do about anything, I’m sure you can manage to drive yourself to the hospital.”_

“Hey man, come on.”

_“I’m sorry about what I said before and you know I didn’t mean anything by it.”_

“Jensen?”

_“You should have thought of that before you said it.”_

“Come on, Jen!”

_“Jared, I know, just please...”_

“Please, Jen.” He feels the hard pressure on his arms where Steve’s been shaking him. He knows he’ll have bruises there tomorrow but he doesn’t care because he’s no longer in that room.

“Jared...” He has to stop for a second to keep the bile down his throat. “Jared took away everything and I can’t...I...he would...I just can’t...” He wipes furiously at his eyes and keeps them away from the look he knows is on Steve’s face. He hates himself for his weaknesses and he hates Jared even more for making them. He clenches both his fists, the pain of his nails digging into skin keep him in the present.

He feels Steve move back next to him and places a calming hand on his knee. 

“I know it’s hard, Jen, but Chris wouldn’t forgive me if I didn’t tell him.”

“I can’t let him have Chris.” He finally feels like he has enough courage to look in Steve’s face. He needs Steve to understand. Jared has taken so much from him but he won’t let him take Chris away from him.

“I get it Jen, I really do but Chris is an adult even though sometimes I do question it.” Jensen can tell Steve is trying to make him smile but he doesn’t even feel like faking it right now. He hears Steve let out a sigh and whispers, “Chris would never do anything that would end up hurting you, Jen.” 

“I know but do you honestly think Chris would just stand there if he saw Jared?” Steve takes his hand off Jensen’s knee and uses it to lean his head on. He follows Steve’s line of view and sees him looking toward the ocean next to their house. Though they can’t see it, they can still hear it. He thinks the reason Chris decided on this place was because they have no neighbours but Jensen knows that Chris has always enjoyed the ocean, he says it calms him down. Call him a fool for comparing Chris to the ocean but like the ocean Chris has two sides. You get the calm, peaceful, fun side and then you get the darker, dangerous, deadly side.  
“No, he wouldn’t.” Before Jensen can speak Steve continues, “But we just have to have faith in him that he knows when to stop.” 

“That doesn’t really put me at ease, you know.” He hears Steve’s laughter and it’s such a pleasant noise that it makes his mood brighten up. Steve doesn’t laugh enough in his opinion. 

He wants so badly to keep both Chris and Steve out of this mess. He knows they’ve already lost enough because of him and Jensen will make sure this time they won’t have to give up their home and bar. This was his fault to begin with, it was his choice to fall in love and it was his choice to stay. He isn’t going to let his friends pay for his mistakes again.

They both sit there in their own thoughts even though Jensen is pretty sure both their thoughts are on the same thing. The silence is broken when they hear laughter coming from indoors and Steve stands up, shoving his hands in his jean pockets.

“I...” Steve stops and rubs the back of his neck with one of his hand before returning it to his pocket. Jensen actually wants to laugh because he doesn’t think he has ever seen Steve look so uncomfortable before. 

“You’re not alone, Jensen.” Steve says before going into the house.

Jensen sits there a bit longer listening to Chris’s full blown laughter and Steve telling him to turn that crap off. It just makes Chris turn the volume on the TV up. 

He reaches up towards his face and realizes that he’s smiling. 

Yeah, he likes not being alone.


	4. Chapter 4

_So we're bound to linger on  
We drink the fatal drop  
Then love until we bleed  
Then fall apart in parts – Kleerup ‘Until We Bleed’_

Jared never believed in the fairy tales his baby sister used to make him read to her. He thought the whole idea of seeing someone for the first time and knowing that person was the one was total rubbish. 

He did believe in love though. He understood love took time and he enjoyed the whole process of dating. Jared was the type of man who enjoyed the challenge of chasing after someone. He found excitement in meeting someone new and taking his time falling for them. He took pleasure in finding out their likes and dislikes and the anxiousness of whether there would be another date or not. 

That was probably the first problem in his relationship with Jensen. Jared never got the fall time or even a warning. All he got was a laugh and suddenly Jared found himself in love. 

It may sound daft but once he heard that bright laugh he knew he had to hear it every day of his life.

He wasn’t prepared for how quickly he fell for the hurricane that was Jensen Ackles. Every bit of Jared needed, ached for Jensen and that terrified him.

Jensen was so easy to love. Jared had never felt more comfortable around another person as much as he did with him. After their first meeting he found it easy to ask him out for drinks, easy to chat with him, to kiss him and all too soon easy to live with him. He may not have had the buzz of slowly falling but he did get the never sinking high that being with Jensen gave him.

At the beginning he did romanticise their relationship. Jensen was his other half, his soul mate but after some time Jared learnt that even though he thought of Jensen as that, Jensen had already had a soul mate way before he came along. He knows he can’t hold anyone else responsible for his actions but he can place some of his guilt due to his envy of Christian Kane. 

He had understood that they were best friends and there was a time when he had even appreciated that Jensen had someone looking out for him but as time went on he became aware that these two were much more than best friends. 

They were nothing like him and Chad. 

Chris and Jensen were something else completely and it drove him crazy for not having a name for it. It also drove him crazy that Chris had always been a part of Jensen’s life and every time he saw that smile that was only for Chris he would have to wrestle down his jealous. He had no illusions that the thought of being with Jensen had crossed Chris’ mind but nothing substantial had ever came up. He couldn’t blame the guy for wanting it. 

Jensen was the sweetest person Jared had ever had the pleasure of meeting. He adored everything about the man, the way his nose would scrunch up when he disliked something or how he would murmur random words in his sleep. Jensen was always perfect to him and maybe that was another problem that caused their relationship to shatter. 

The more time he spent with Jensen the more he felt like he wasn’t good enough to stand by his side. He admired that Jensen was compassionate, that he would always see the best in people and help them even if they didn’t deserve it. Jensen would shoulder other people’s problems and he would do it with a smile on his face. That was part of the reason why he never told Jensen about his own problems, he didn’t want Jensen to see him as weak, to see him as someone who needed his help. He didn’t want Jensen, who was gentle and kind, to have to think about his own shadowy doubts. 

Jensen didn’t have one wicked bone in him; Jared on the other hand was filled with them.

Jared grew up living in his older brother, Jeff’s shadow. No one cared about the second son, it was always about Jeff. Jared’s dad had never taught him how to play chess or catch a ball, didn’t show up to any of his parent’s evenings at school. He never thought his dad did it on purpose and he knew if he was born first than Jeff would be the one with all these unfulfilled childhood memories. 

The only one that noticed him was his mother. Like Chris and Jensen, his mother had a hidden smile just for him and no one else ever caught a glimpse of it .She would tuck him in at night and whisper how proud she was and how one day he would become a brilliant man. After hearing it so many times Jared started to believe it. When Jared finally did grow up the only thing he cared about was showing his mother that she was right to believe in him.

He didn’t get that chance until Jeff did a runner and his parents offered him the company. He didn’t think about his own dreams as he was signing his name on contract after contract and some part of him was left wondering why no one was stopping him. Why didn’t Chad remind him of his own dreams, why didn’t Sandy call him an idiot and why didn’t Jensen give him an alternative? He wants to blame all of them but he knows he can’t. 

It was his decision to sell part of his soul away.

He doubts now if he still would’ve put his signature on that line if he knew what he would’ve become.

He couldn’t say when he felt himself start to change. He does remember his mother planting that first doubt in his head. He tried to ignore it, but it soon turned into a fixture in his brain and once that doubt was there, he couldn’t help but create others. 

_“Oh sweetie, you sure that’s a good idea? I’m not saying it to be mean because you know how much I adore Jensen; it’s just maybe it’s not the best time to come out with your...uh, partner when this is such an important dinner. Not everyone will understand Jared, give it time.”_

One innocent sentence his mother had dropped into a conversation about taking Jensen to his welcome dinner. It wasn’t said in a nasty or unpleasant way; she said it as a concerned mother and that was how the doubt ended up fastened to his every thought. He didn’t question his mom’s sincerity in her words because who would ever want to think of their own mother as anything but loving and trustworthy. 

Not inviting Jensen to his welcoming dinner was his first step into becoming someone else. 

He never told Jensen about the dinner but he knew if he did then they would have argued but in the end he would have apologised and Jensen would have forgiven him. That was one of the earliest things he took for granted. 

When he did meet his co-workers he finally understood why his mother was worried about their tolerance. Not all of them were big headed pompous asses but it was close. Jared, for some unknown reason, found himself spending time with them.

That was another step. 

It felt like he had gone miles from the person that Jensen has met in college when one night the office went out for drinks. They noticed two guys by the bar. It wasn’t like they had a big flashing sign above their head saying ‘gay’ but the way the blonde guy kept his hand on the smaller guy’s back made it obvious that they were a couple.

Jared bit his tongue when he heard Milo explain how people like that should be locked up, he tasted blood when Mark told them how unnatural it was and he listened to their revolting laughter as Katie pointed out those type of things weren’t real men. When the judgemental eyes turned on him he ended up telling them how disgusting it was. He joined in their laughter as more doubts clouded his mind. It wasn’t until he returned home and saw Jensen asleep on the coach with a book on his chest and his glasses hanging off that Jared let those doubts rest for a while. 

After a while he stopped worrying about his trek away from that boy he was. 

He knew Chad and Sandy thought it was odd that they had yet to meet his new friends after he’d been working at the law firm for so long. Jensen wanted to meet them as well; he swallowed his fear and took all three of them to his weekly night out with his co-workers. He didn’t tell any of them what his relationship was to Jensen. He spent the evening with his body round tight with nervous tension. 

He chose each word he said carefully and he dodged every small contact with Jensen. He saw the curious looks on Jensen’s face but he ignored that so he could keep up his act. 

The night took a wrong turn when Milo mentioned some ‘fag’ at the coffee shop trying to hit on him. He felt Jensen tense, a cat getting ready to pounce, but before he could Jared made sure to steer the conversation to a safer topic. He ignored the twin looks Sandy and Chad kept shooting both his and Milo’s way and he especially took no notice of how Jensen didn’t relax for the rest of the evening. 

Following that night, Jensen made clear his objections towards Milo, the ‘weasel’ as he liked to call him. He could literally spot the first crack in their relationship the moment he told Jensen, _“Stop being such a whiney bitch. I’m sure Milo didn’t mean what he said, so drop IT.”_

That was the first argument where neither of them apologised but it wouldn’t be their last. 

He can’t help but wonder if Jensen would have forgiven him that night if that would have been the nastiest thing he ever did. 

The lesson learned from that disaster of a night was that he would have to divide his work self and his home self. Jared had to be tougher if he wanted to keep the respect he gained from his co-workers and he had to be smarter if he wanted to keep Jensen. He managed to find a balance between the two Jared’s even though it did take a lot of control to keep them separate. He even managed to for a while.

The first time Jared felt the line blur was when he saw Milo holding Jensen’s engagement ring. He didn’t ask what Milo was doing going though his jacket because he felt such a rush of anger at just the thought of Milo, who was such a homophobia prick, touching something that was to display his love for Jensen. Something so pure shouldn’t ever be touched by Milo’s dirty, foul hands. His fist was moving before he even knew what he was doing. Milo was on the floor holding his nose while Jared stood frozen. He couldn’t bear the surreptitious looks people were throwing his way and he quickly explained how that was all he had left of his fiancée when she died in a car crash. Jared spent the rest of the afternoon with his head over a toilet. He felt disgusted with himself for the lie, he felt repulsion for apologising to someone like Milo and for the first time he loathed Jensen for having such a perfect laugh. 

After that he stopped trying so hard to keep the balance. 

Each day a bit of himself faded into someone else and he watched that person break Jensen a little bit more each day. One Jared took pleasure in having such power over Jensen and the other Jared couldn’t understand why no one stopped him, why no one told him he was wrong. Why the hell didn’t bloody Chris come in on his white stallion and take Jensen away? He wouldn’t have minded spending the rest of his life hating Chris because a fraction of him already did hate Chris. What if he was trying so hard to be someone else, to be someone important just so he could compete with Christian fucking Kane? He would love to say yes.

His own best friend didn’t fare any better than Jensen had. Even though he and Chad knew each other since school, he had never really looked at Jared with surprise or disgust. Probably because Chad knew everything there was to know about him, sweet puppy dog Jared who couldn’t do anything to shock him. But that night three years ago at the bar while Jared sat there cheerfully insulting Jensen’s taste in t-shirts, no one could miss the look of shock on Chad’s face and how white his knuckles turned when he gripped his beer bottle. A part of him knew that if _Chad_ was stunned by his actions than Jared should have known something was very wrong but Jared just brushed that thought aside. They were just having some fun and if Jensen was annoyed he should have said something but Jared didn’t understand then that Jensen wasn’t pissed, he was hurt and when Jared finally grasped that he made sure to lock it up in the darkest corner of his mind. 

He can’t afford to think about how much he took away from Jensen that night. He keeps most of his thoughts about Jensen these days in that dark corner. 

Jared tries not to feel anything when he thinks about the first time he harmed Jensen physically but just the memory of bruises on Jensen’s pale skin is enough to make his heart break. To know that he was the cause of them leaves him feeling empty and just fucking wrong. He struggles not to think about how Jensen’s eyes had seemed to lose that gold glow they had whenever he was happy and he doesn’t think of how Jensen’s ring didn’t shine as bright as it did when he proposed, promising Jensen everything. 

It happened the last time they would both go to his parent’s annual Christmas party. He spent his evening talking to a young woman named Alexis and though Jared preferred men that didn’t mean he couldn’t still appreciate a woman’s body and Alexis did have a striking body. The fact that she was a tease had his blood humming with just the thought of a challenge. He spent his evening doing some harmless flirting and forgetting Jensen was even there. Jared had failed to notice that Jensen spent the evening sitting alone downing glass after glass of whiskey and he definitely wasn’t aware of his mother’s smile the whole time he chatted to the woman she had introduced him to. 

He didn’t know that Jensen was drunk even when they were getting into the car. Jensen didn’t mutter a single word while Jared drove them home. He was never good at being silent so he decided to talk about how amazing Alexis was, a lawyer at such a young age, what an achievement that was. Jared failed to see was how each complement made Jensen shrink more into himself. 

When they reached home he carried on talking as he watched Jensen search for Tylenol. He doesn’t understand how he could have missed the way Jensen’s hands were shaking when he reached for a glass. He was so wrapped up in his own thoughts that he didn’t even ask if Jensen was feeling well. The other Jared would have but then his other self wouldn’t have let Jensen get drunk in the first place, especially alone.

Jensen suddenly snapped, _“If you think that brunette bitch is so fucking wonderful, why not marry her instead?”_

Jared didn’t know what he was more pissed at, Jensen saying he should marry someone else or calling Alexis a bitch. He soon found his answer when he grabbed Jensen’s wrist that was reaching to fill his glass.

 _“What did you just call her?”_ He felt his hand tightening and some sick part of him got some delight at seeing the pain flash across Jensen’s face. As soon as the thought entered his brain he let go of Jensen like he was on fire. 

He stared at his own hand for hours even after Jensen had gone to bed but what makes his world get a little darker was the pure uncertainty on Jensen’s face. He knew then that he wasn’t the only one having doubts.

The next day neither of them spoke about it and when Jensen left for poker night at Chris’s without kissing him, Jared couldn’t remember the last time they had kissed or even had sex.

His thoughts had turned back to the poker night and his relief that Jensen had forgot to ask him if he wanted to go, he was thankful he wouldn’t have to see that disappointed look when he turned him down again. 

Some part of him hoped that someone would have noticed the state of Jensen’s wrist. It wasn’t that hard to miss the ugly purple bruise starting to appear. He prayed that someone would connect the dots and hide Jensen away from him. But his prayers went unanswered when Jensen returned home and slept next to him without touching him or saying a word.

Days went by and he stopped trying with Jensen. He snapped at everything Jensen did wrong, he insulted the things Jensen ate, he offended him at every opportunity he got and Jensen let it happen.

Things only got more uncomfortable around the flat and he started spending more time at work and he welcomed the distraction, especially when Alexis showed up one afternoon and asked if he wanted to get lunch. The other Jared would have said no without even thinking about it.

The first time he fucked Alexis in the back of his car he can’t remember much. All he thought about as he slammed into her is bright green eyes and freckles. He didn’t open his eyes even when she had left. The main thing he does remember is sitting in his car, smelling sweat and expensive perfume and feeling no guilt at all. He should have known then that he was too far across the line to ever return.

After that first step over the line with Alexis, he continued his indiscretions and sometimes even did it in front of Jensen just to see if he would get a rise but Jensen just sat there like an obedient dog. Jared knows why Jensen just sat there and he quickly locks that answer away in the back of his head with all the other thoughts that never want to see the light of day.

What Jared didn’t think about back then was that he wasn’t just losing Jensen but Chad and Sandy as well. 

Sandy was the first to walk. 

He couldn’t accuse her of being in the wrong when he was the one that kissed her. He was sitting in her apartment, listening to her natter on about when he was going to set his wedding date and how lucky he was to have someone as perfect as Jensen then the next second he kissed her. He didn’t know why he did it but just the thought of Jensen made him panic. Sandy didn’t take well to that and threw him out. 

Sometimes he wonders if he kissed Sandy because he trusted her to tell Jensen but she never told and he’s certain some part of him blames Sandy for what he did that last night with Jensen. 

Good old loyal Chad still stood by him even after he walked in on Jared fucking some blonde in his office with his eyes shut. Chad just stood there looking at him in surprise and then he saw when Chad _finally_ realized that this wasn’t the same kid that gave him his chocolate milk. He expected the punch but what he didn’t expect was to hit Chad back. Chad’s horror stricken face was just another thing for him to put in that dark corner of his mind. 

Jared found it easier living life without feelings but everyday he found himself getting more confused and his heart chipping further away. He no longer laughed, every time he went to reach for a candy bar he would snap at himself and soon he hardly knew who he was anymore. Still there was a small part of him that was screaming out for someone to help him, to save him but by the time he finally crossed that line he no longer had anyone. He knew one day he would jump that line completely he just didn’t know he would end up dragging Jensen across with him.

He can never erase that memory. Every time he closes his eyes he hears the crash, smells the blood, Jensen’s blood. He sees the blankness wash over Jensen’s face. 

He wasn’t the same person anymore and he had felt himself changing so he could be the perfect son, the perfect co-worker, the perfect friend and one day the perfect husband. He couldn’t have all those things together so he tried to make this one person who could please everyone but what he never took in to account was that Jensen didn’t need perfect. 

Back then he was always envious of how things seemed to come so naturally to Jensen. How he was smart, funny, charming, sweet, gorgeous and Jensen never had to work for any of that. He made it look effortless while Jared had to work hard every day and before he knew it he started resenting Jensen for who he was.

It was no longer easy being with Jensen. He found it difficult to kiss Jensen when his co-workers were telling him how unnatural and disgusting it was. Every time he went to cuddle Jensen he could hear Katie’s cruel laughter, how he’s not a real man, and he feels the acid burn of bile in his throat when he hears Milo telling him he should be locked away every time he smiled at Jensen. 

But that wasn’t the worst of it. No, the worst was every time he went to say I love you, he saw his mother’s disappointed face. Jeff was always the better man.

All those doubts wouldn’t leave him and after a while he stopped doing all those things.

He stopped trying and started blaming.

Looking back over all his mistakes, he knows he was punishing Jensen for making him fall in love with him. 

He wanted to chase him away but at the same time he wanted to chain Jensen to him. He was always struggling with wanting Jensen and being disgusted by him and after a while he stopped fighting one side.

He finally got what he was afraid of back then. He was afraid of being gay and being happy with Jensen. Sure he had slept with other men before meeting Jensen but he had never fallen in love with them or planned to marry them. Even in the beginning of their relationship it terrified him to spend his life with anyone else. 

Since he was young he wanted people to like him, he wanted to please his family and make them proud. He tries not to remember when he had first introduced Jensen to his mother and even though she had hid it very well Jared still saw the repulsion on her face, that look has always stayed with him.

He thought about breaking it off with Jensen but the words would always get stuck in his throat. He couldn’t stand the thought of Jensen not being there and he couldn’t imagine living life without him. 

He wished Jensen would be the brave one and leave but Jensen stayed.

He never knew why Jensen stayed but on his rare days off when they would spend the day together he would see the smile on Jensen’s face when Jared sat there talking about random crap and some part of him thinks Jensen stayed because he wanted to. Jensen stayed because he wanted Jared, Jared who was the biggest asshole to him and yet he still wanted to be with him. He sat up most of the night counting the freckles on Jensen’s nose and listening to him laugh and the doubts left him alone for a little while.

That was also the night he decided to ask Chad to go ring shopper with him.

He just never thought back then how bitter he would feel every time he saw that ring on Jensen’s finger. The thing that finally ruined him.

He cheated.

He insulted.

He ignored.

He lied.

And finally he crossed that last line. 

_Jared unlocked the front door to see Jensen sitting on the sofa with his head in his hands. The room was barely lit, the first sign that something was wrong. The next one is the way Jensen is gripping his hair. His first instinct is to walk back out, he’s been at work since 6 and his whole body is completely wiped but it’s his flat so why should he have to leave just because Jensen is in one of his moods. He walked over to the table next to the door to drop his briefcase and made his way to the fridge for a beer. Jensen didn’t even turn his way when Jared walked over to stand in front of him._

_“I’m never going to be good enough for you, am I?” Even though Jensen’s hands covered his face, Jared heard loud and clear. He ignored the twisting in his stomach telling him to tread carefully. He just wanted to go to bed and not deal with a bitchy Jensen._

_“Look, whatever your problem is. Can we talk about it tomorrow?”_

_Jensen stood up so fast that Jared had to take a step back or Jensen probably would have head butted him. Maybe that was Jensen’s plan but before he can ask, Jensen shoved something into his chest. He looked down to see a woman’s bra. He looked up to see Jensen’s eyes are bloodshot, like he’s not been sleeping and it’s on the teeter edge of his tongue to ask Jensen if he’s slept at all this week but he stopped himself and shrugged his shoulder instead._

_“Well, it’s not like you didn’t know I was fucking around.” His stomach twisted painfully again but he paid it no mind._

_Jensen’s face didn’t show one expression as he let out a humourless laugh. He reached up and gripped his hair again, one sure sign that Jensen is holding his temper back but Jared wanted to see it, wanted to see that Jensen wasn’t perfect. Jared wanted to knock him off that high throne he lived on._

_“Come on, Jensen, don’t you want to know who the better fuck was?”_

_He watched as Jensen flinched and looked away but before he can feel any pleasure at winning, Jensen pushed him hard in the chest. He tripped backward and caught himself before he hit the coffee table._

_“I turned a blind eye on you fucking every single bitch that comes along but I won’t stand by and let it happen in OUR bed!”_

_It’s his turn to let out a humourless laugh._

_“Wow, Jensen, you really are something else.” He threw the bra back at Jensen and moved close enough that his breath tickled Jensen’s lips “So, you don’t give a shit if I fuck someone else but you care when I fuck someone in our bed?”_

_Jensen pushed him again but this time Jared pushed back. “Come on Jensen; tell me what you really think?” It seemed to be what Jensen was waiting for because in a quick moment the beer bottle slipped from his hand as he’s roughly shoved against the wall._

_“You really want to know, Jared?” Jensen grabbed his suit lapels and shook Jared like a rag doll._

_“You keep trying to change me into something your precious mother would be happy with but your mother is NEVER going to be happy because I’m a MAN and guess what, Jared, no matter how many women you fuck you are still going to be...” Jensen moved in closer to his face and Jared can smell the faintest hint of coffee on his breath, for a second he leaned forward until Jensen breathed the next word on his lips “gay.” His whole body bolted forward and knocked Jensen aside. Before he can even think about what to say there is an explosion of glass._

_Jensen’s down in the broken coffee table. The sharp crunch of glass made his stomach turn as Jensen tried to push himself up. He can see the blood sink through Jensen’s jeans and his hands are slip sliding in it._

_“I can’t do this anymore, Jared. I can’t keep waiting for you to get your mother’s approval because she never will be proud of you and the horrible foul people you call friends. Do you really think they care about you?” He watched as Jensen struggled to stand, hissed when his hands land on more glass. “I deserve better than this.”_

_**I deserve better than you** _

_Jared let his world turn red as his head started to scream for Jensen to shut up._

_He didn’t hold back, just used all his strength to haul Jensen forward. Jensen’s skull cracked against the wooden cabinet and the sound made him want to cover his ears but at least Jensen was quiet._

_Blood dripped off of Jensen’s forehead as he collapsed to the floor with a grunt. He looked daze and frightening pale, Jared followed the lines of blood painting Jensen’s shirt scarlet._

_Jensen whimpered, sounding more like a wounded animal than a human being. He touched his forehead, brought the fingers to his eye line to see the blood. Some part of Jared knew he should have felt guilt but he didn’t._

_Jensen got what he deserved for saying all those lies._

_“Jared...” He watched as Jensen tried to stand on wobbly legs but he didn’t get very far before he slid back down to the floor. He felt sick when he saw some of Jensen’s blood splatter the cream colour sofa. He wondered if it would wash off._

_“Jared please, I need help. I can’t ...please.” His attention turned back to Jensen’s poor attempts at trying to stand again. Jared wanted to laugh because did Jensen really think he was going to lend a hand after the crap he had just said?_

_“Well Jensen, as you’re so perfect and can do anything, I’m sure you could manage to drive yourself to the hospital.” He watched as Jensen once again slid down and more blood hit the room._

_Jensen sobbed out but Jared can still hear the begging and he liked it. “I’m sorry about what I said before and you know I didn’t mean anything by it.”_

_“You should have thought of that before you said it.”_

_“Jared, I know, just please, I’m losing a lot of blood.”_

_“Yeah, I can see that Jensen.” Jared had to admit even with blood covering half of his body that Jensen still looked like he just walked off a fucking GQ magazine and that pissed him off. Trust Jensen still to be perfect even when he’s injured. “Red really isn’t your colour.”_

_That comment seemed to snap Jensen out of his sobs. He looked at Jared in confusion._

_“Once upon a time you wouldn’t have thought twice about grabbing your car keys,” Jensen said. He breathed hard and more blood seemed to ooze out of his left leg. His felt a stab of panic when he sees a lump of glass sticking out of it but forced it away. “Seven years, Jared. Is that worth nothing to you?” Jensen’s eyes were still fixed on him, like he’s looking at a stranger now “When did you stop loving me?”_

_He can’t answer that because he never did._

_He just forgot how to._

_Jensen carried on waiting and Jared didn’t think it was for answers. He didn’t know what Jensen was waiting for._

_After a while he no longer can stand the sight and smell of blood so he left to do what he does know the answers to._

_Work_

_It isn’t until much later when he has lost his last friend as well that Jared decided he better clean up. He stepped into the kitchen and that was when he spotted it, innocently sitting on the counter. He didn’t understand why it was there, it tore his whole world apart in that instant._

_He licked his dry lips and tasted salt as he stared down at the once dazzling ring that now lay lifeless in his palm._

He spent hours scrubbing Jensen’s blood off the wooden floors, picking up broken glass that was sprinkled in red. He looked down and his hands were stained crimson, he ended up not being able to hold his stomach down. He stayed there that night, covered in blood, sick, and tears. He didn’t know for how long.

After that night he didn’t just lose Jensen and Chad. 

He lost himself.

He threw himself into work and it paid off after his father retired. Jared finally became the superior of the law firm. He had no one to tell the good news too and he pushed aside any thoughts of the rewarding smile Jensen would have given him.

He made sure to keep his thoughts of Jensen locked far away from the present. 

It did get easier after time to not think of him and soon his mother introduced him to Genevieve Cortese. He never found it easy to stop comparing her to Jensen.

He wishes he could say Gen is the evil villain in his story but he already knows that role is already filled. Gen is sassy, funny and attractive and maybe if he had never heard Jensen laugh he could be happy with her. 

He couldn’t stand the thought of dating another man and after all the hints his mother threw his way he asked her to marry him. It was nothing like asking Jensen to marry him. With Gen they were at a posh restaurant, with Jensen it was on the sofa watching TV. He didn’t feel nervous with Gen, not like with Jensen were he had had to change his shirt at least three times. With Gen, it wasn’t his first choice. 

_“Gen, there’s something I’ve been meaning to ask you?”_

_**“Jen...I was wondering, uh, if you would...”** _

_“What is it?”_

_**“Are you blushing?”** _

_“Well, we’ve known each other for a while now.”_

_**“What? No! It’s just hot.”** _

_“Yeah?”_

_**“Should I be worried that you’re hot when we’re watching Lion Man?”** _

_“And I thought it’s about time we got married.”_

_**“That’s just gross, Jensen and you are one strange dude for even thinking it.”** _

_“I always thought when someone asked me to marry them they would sound more thrilled.”_

_**“Well, I’m not the one getting turned on by the lions or is it the...?”** _

_“I am thrilled, Gen”_

_**“Marry me.”** _

_“Really, Jared? Because at the moment you sound anything but thrilled.”_

_**“Did you just ask me...?”** _

_“Look, do you want to get married or not?”_

_**“Your it for me, Jensen.”** _

_“Wow, Jared you really know how to sweep a girl off her feet.”_

_**“Jared, I... you sure?”.”** _

_“Just forget I said anything.”_

_**“I wouldn’t ask if I wasn’t. Please tell me you want to marry me?”.”** _

_“I don’t mean to put you down Jared, it’s just I pictured this day going differently but if you’re sure then I would love to marry you.”_

_**“There is nothing else more I would love to do, Jared”** _

_“Good, glad that’s settle then. I wasn’t sure what type of ring you wanted so I thought you might like to go with me tomorrow to pick it out.”_

_**“I promise, Jen, that I will make you the happiest man alive.”** _

_“Oh, okay then, that would be fine.”_

_**“You already do, Jared.”** _

_“Then we can stop by my parent’s house and tell them.”_

_**“Do you want to go out and celebrate?”** _

_“Of course.”_

_**“I do."** _

Jensen spent the whole day saying I do to everything Jared asked and he never got tired of hearing it. 

When he was standing there at the altar watching Gen walk toward him, he was trying to picture what type of wedding Jensen would have wanted. Jensen didn’t like people making a fuss and spending money so he thought it would have been a private wedding in a garden somewhere with the wedding reception at a local bar were Sandy would have helped Jensen with the decorations they bought from a party store, Chris and Steve doing the music and Chad making the best man toast while Jared stood there with a smile. Not like that wedding that had wealth stamped all over it and reporters waiting outside to get the local scoop on top model Genevieve becoming a Padalecki. That was probably the reason why his mother wanted him to marry her, so their law firm would get press coverage. 

After that day he made sure to lock all thoughts of Jensen and his two best friends away and it worked fine for him for while.

It wasn’t until Gen moved the lamp to the other side table by the sofa that Jared spotted it. 

He sat there memorized staring at that speck of dried blood. 

The only thing he had left of Jensen.

When he came home from work the next evening to see a new set of lamps in the living room, he felt such powerful sorrow that he went out to the garbage to rescue his lamp. Gen never made a comment on why the lamp was back or why Jared couldn’t take his eyes away from it.

Every day he would sit there as memories kept flooding back tinted red and he couldn’t describe the raw pain those memories brought him.

He felt the guilt and self hatred start to creep in under his skin and soon he couldn’t hide it away anymore. 

He had to see Jensen.

He had to hear that goddamn laugh that started this whole mess.

Jared honestly didn’t expect tracking him down to be so fucking tricky but if he was in Chris’s shoes then he would have moved Jensen somewhere no one could track him.

He had no doubt that Jensen was with Chris, Steve as well. Steve had to be the one to collect Jensen things when he was at work because he knew Chris would have waited for him.

He chased so many different leads on Jensen’s location but each one led him back to the start.

Chris put a lot of effort in keeping Jensen hidden.

After a while, he decided to try a different tactic. Chad would still talk to Jensen because he knew Chad held himself guilty for never being the one to stop Jared. 

What he didn’t know was how difficult it would be to knock on that door. He can’t remember how many times he wiped his sweaty palms down his trousers. When he did finally get the courage to knock it was taken away again when he saw the look Chad was aiming at him.

It wasn’t like he expected to be greeted with a grin but he thought Chad would never look at him with pure hostility and that pissed him off.

He treated Chad like a stranger but he still couldn’t hide the shock when he saw Sophia with a baby in her arms. He wasn’t prepared at all for the emotions at seeing that small child brought.

_Chad_

His childhood friend had a baby and didn’t tell him. 

He tried to talk to Chad but he wasn’t letting up his unfriendly aura so Jared did the same and hid the hurt away as Chad protected Jensen location from him.

His temper ended up getting the better of him and he didn’t think twice about pinning Chad to the door with his forearm. Jared didn’t even stop when he saw the spark of fear in Chad’s eyes because no one was stopping him from seeing Jensen again. But Chad did his brave act well and wouldn’t give in. 

He thought this might be his punishment for the cruel things he did and he finally accepted it.

It wasn’t until fate interfered that Jared found what he was looking for and it was all thanks to a promise he made when he was younger.

The day he moved out for college, his younger sister Megan made him promise to call her every week. Jared had yet to break that one promise.

He called her like they did every week but the conversation took a stand still when he asked her about her show. At the time, he was thankful for that silence because it meant he could try to remember what her show was actually about. He was sure she was studying art but he wasn’t sure what her focus was on. It wasn’t until she said that one name that his thoughts turned back to her. He asked her to repeat the name and she did in a low cautious voice. He couldn’t blame her for being careful with that name after he told her that they broke up when Jensen got a better job offer and they both agreed that they didn’t want a long distance relationship. 

When Jared first told his family about Jensen’s departure he didn’t feel one bit of guilt for the twin looks of misery on Megan and his dad’s faces, some part of him was even mad for his dad being upset about Jensen leaving when his dad was never upset when Jared left for fucking college. He was satisfied when he saw his mother look delighted for a second before she tried for sad. 

But now Jared couldn’t get rid of the guilt he felt about the lie. 

In the end he got Megan to tell him where the gallery was and Jared dropped everything to drive six hours to a town in the middle of nowhere. 

_It was a cheery town with only a handful of shops and cafes. It wasn’t much to look at after coming from such a big city but the place did have a friendly atmosphere about it._

_The gallery was no different as he was greeted by a older man telling him his wife would be back in a few if he wanted to wait. The older man, Jeffery Dean Morgan, was repairing a light fixture over one of the pictures. He left him to it as he paced in front of different photographs of many kinds. He stopped short when he saw a certain photograph he knew very well._

_“It’s beautiful, isn’t it?” He jumped when he heard a soft female voice from beside him. He turned to face a short, brown haired woman who he guessed was the owner even though she didn’t introduce herself. He felt a bit riled up at the fact she was looking at the photograph instead of him but he let it pass because he didn’t want to accuse the woman of being rude with her husband in the room._

_“Yeah, it is.” He turned back to the image. “Do you know, Jensen?” He knew he made a mistake when he saw her shoulders go stiff and when he spotted no name tag on the picture._

_“Yes.” At last she turned her attention to him but he no longer wanted it with the guarded look she was sending his way._

_He knew he had to choose his answer carefully because if it wasn’t what she wanted then she wouldn’t think twice about kicking him out. He didn’t think this woman knew anything of Jensen’s past so he thought he was safe with weaving a lie with the truth. “He’s an old college buddy of mine.” He even threw in a small smile hoping it would ease her._

_She seemed to have brought it as she smiled up at him “Well, it’s a pleasure to meet an old friend of Jensen’s.” She held out her hand to him. “Samantha Morgan.”_

_“Jared Padalecki.”_

_They shook hands before she turned her attention back to the frozen lake. “Tell me Jared, what was Jensen like back then?”_

_What an odd question. He let out a nervous laugh before answering “The same as he is now I’m guessing.”_

_He watched as Sam’s smile fell off her face “I highly doubt it.” She looked back toward him and said “You two don’t keep in touch then?”_

_Of course now all his thoughts were on how much he changed Jensen but he kept from showing any emotion when he looked at Sam. “No, we lost contact a few years back. Does he live around here?”_

_Everything was hanging on that one answer._

_“Yeah, he and his buddies moved in about three years ago.”_

_That answered half his question. He just had to found out where now._

_“Really? I don’t suppose you know where about?” He saw her guard go back up but he quickly carried on, “You don’t have to say but it would be nice to catch up with him again.”_

_She let out a sigh and brushed some of her hair back from her face. “Look, Jared you seem like a friendly guy but you see, Jensen’s probably not the same guy you knew from college so maybe it’s best you leave it alone.”_

_“What do you mean?”_

_“Well, it’s not really my business to say but Jensen is a very secretive person.” He didn’t have time to ask what she meant before she carried on “He wasn’t even the one to show me his portfolio but looking at his photographs I thought I would see a person so full of life but...” she seemed to stare off into a memory before continuing “When I first met him I knew straight away why both Chris and Steve stood in the room, like they were afraid Jensen would disappear if he wasn’t kept in eye contact at all times.” She let out a laugh that sounded more depressing than happy. “That boy had something awful happened to him.”_

_**Yeah, me.** _

_“He has come a long way, though, since our first meeting and I hope in the future that I get to do an exhibit on Jensen’s photographs.” The smile returned to her “He really was talented.”_

_“Yeah, he...” Jared paused because he didn’t understand why she was talking past tense. “Why don’t you just put on a show now?”_

_“He doesn’t take photographs anymore.”_

_She might as well of pointed a finger at Jared because he knew it all his fault and can’t fight the emotions that come along every time he thinks of a broken camera and hurt green eyes._

_He didn’t just ruin Jensen but buried the man’s dream as well._

_He had to fix this._

_“I know you probably think it’s a terrible idea giving out Jensen address to a complete stranger but I would ... No, I feel like I could help him.”_

_“I don’t know.”_

_“I promise I’m not some serial killer or anything I just want to help.” She turned her attention on to him and just looked. He started to get uncomfortable but she gave him a nod and turned to walk over to the till with her hand bag on it._

_“Yeah, okay.” He wanted to hug her but he didn’t think she or Jeff would be pleased if he did._

_“Just don’t tell Chris or Steve where you got it from.” She said as she passed it over while turning to look at Jeff. “I doubt even Jeff could stop Chris if he wanted to assassinate me.” She said it as a joke but Jared can’t help the chill that ran down his spine. Yes, he doubted anyone could stop Chris._

He pulled up at a rundown beach house that was in desperate need of paint to see one of Jensen’s bodyguards in front. At least it wasn’t Chris. 

Steve had always been a calm easy going man but Jared could see the hardness around his eyes now and he knew without a doubt he was the cause. 

He stood there, letting the insults fly his way but once again his anger got the better of him when Steve wouldn’t let him know if Jensen is in but like Chad, Steve stands his ground and even threatens to call the cops and Jared can’t risk the upset it would cause his family. As he drives off he see’s Steve still standing there making sure he’s left. 

He wonders if Jensen knows how lucky he is to have all these people shielding him when Jared had no one. 

He went home after that but after staring at that speck of blood for days; he drives back out and starts asking around if anyone knows Jensen Ackles. Some people look at him like he’s crazy and others just say no. He finally gets lucky when a young girl tells him Jensen is her English Literature professor at the college down the street. He wants to argue with her because there was no way his Jensen who is shy and awkward in big crowds would teach a bunch of teenagers. He doesn’t know this Jensen anymore. 

He parks his car in the college parking lot and waits. 

He’s tempted to go in there and just find Jensen but he can guess Jensen will probably end up screaming and yelling, telling Jared to piss off. So he waits. 

He sits there planning out all the things his going to say when he spots a dark haired blonde leaving the building carrying a well worn brief case. His heart gets caught in his throat as he watches Jensen walk past his car but the reason why his heart catches soon changes when he sees the way the clothes are hanging off Jensen’s frame, the sharpness of shoulder bones sticking out, the hollowness of his cheeks. When he catches the coffee stain on the pale grey shirt Jared’s moving without even thinking because he has to make this right. 

“Jensen.” 

Of the many reactions Jensen would have at seeing him again, this isn’t it. Jensen freezes up, small tremors start to shake his body and he begins to turn an alarming white. No, this isn’t right; Jensen shouldn’t be afraid of him. 

“Hi.” He feels stupid for saying it but he has to try something to relax him. Jensen isn’t even looking at him, he keeps his eyes to the pavement and that worries Jared more than the shaking. 

“Look at me.” Jensen still won’t and Jared grabs him by the arms before thinking about it. He feels the hardness of bones underneath his hands and becomes all too aware of how breakable Jensen is. “Please look at me, Jen.” He ignores the way Jensen’s shaking gets worse and even adds to it, “Why won’t you look at me?” he shakes Jensen again.

“I can’t.” He feels himself turning cold from the deadness in Jensen voice.

“Get your fucking filthy hands off him, Padalecki, before I rip them off.”


	5. Chapter 5

_We all have a weakness  
but some of ours are easy to identify.   
Look me in the eye and ask for forgiveness;   
we’ll make a pact to never speak that word again.   
Yes, you are my friend. – Incubus ‘Dig’_

_“Now, Christian, you have to understand sometimes love just isn’t enough.”_

Those words were the last thing he ever heard from his father. 

Chris has no problem saying he hates his father because he truly does. He doesn’t own many memories of him, a kind man who used to tickle his belly and smell like peppermints. Those weren’t the reasons why he hated him. It was the memory of watching his father pack only one suitcase, whisper those words into his hair while Chris sat there in amazement at the fact that it started to rain indoors. 

He crawled to the window and sat there waiting for that beat up red car to pull up but not even when the sky turned dim did his father return. 

Chris didn’t understand back then that his father’s last words were goodbye and what a shitty goodbye they were. 

Being so young he didn’t know why each day his mom would start to smell less like a spring day and more like the fruity smell his grandma would breathe on his cheek at Christmas.

He didn’t get why his mom couldn’t look at him anymore. When his aunt tucked him in at night to listen to the ghost weeping next door, she would give him a kiss on the forehead and tell him there was no such thing as ghosts.

Even after all this time he never knew why his father left. He’d never know, his mother shot herself with his father’s shotgun a month later.

That was another thing he couldn’t comprehend back then but now Chris gets why his mom lived in the past and he’s just thankful that he doesn’t own a shotgun.

After the night his aunt found her sister lying in the now crimson bedroom, Chris never got to go home again.

His aunt and uncle were the ones to end up with him. She was a sweet enough woman but she wasn’t his mom and his uncle was a caring man but he didn’t smell like peppermint.

He can’t remember much of the day when his mom was lost to him forever except being held tight in his aunt’s arms and watching the street ahead for a scarlet car.

After that he shut himself off but what neither him or his aunt expected was his first play date to end up with him throwing a tantrum after seeing his new friend being picked up by his mother. Chris can’t recall much of that time except what his aunt told him, about him being a brat, throwing toys at other children, biting people and even thumping another kid. His aunt even admitted to having trouble finding him a nanny and started to wonder if it was best to keep him. Chris wasn’t mad at what she said and she even jokes with Steve and Jensen about the terror Christian Kane used to be.

But younger Chris was mad all the time and he finally stopped waiting for that red car to fix him. He secretly made a promise that he would never want anything for himself because all it did was leave or break and though he desired something precious, Chris didn’t want to cry again.

Too bad he made that promise before he met Jensen Ackles.

Most children don’t remember their first day of preschool but for Chris those watering green eyes would always be burned into his memory, along with that toothy smile of gratitude. 

He found something that day that was misplaced when his parents abandoned him and he planned to keep it.

Jensen may think Chris was the one to save him or more accurate his drawing of a ‘cat’ but he knows that if it wasn’t for their meeting his life would have gone down a much isolated and darker path parallel to his mom’s.

That day Jensen was the one to rescue him and for that he will always have a piece of Chris’s heart. 

He knows people find their relationship strange, mess up, confusing, romantic but he doesn’t give a damn because it just him and Jensen, period. 

The thing that annoys him the most is when people question why they never ended up together. What they don’t and never will understand that what he and Jensen have is something so much more and Chris wouldn’t risk ruining it for _anything_.

Chris isn’t a cherub even though he did go to Sunday church alongside his aunt but he highly doubts his aunt was thinking about what it would be like to watch his best friend’s eyes go a darker shade of jade and to feel those full lips wrapped around his....

Yeah, he was no angel, only human and watching Jensen turn into a beautiful person, inside and outside, made him seriously uncertain about their relationship.

He’s never made a move but he does wonder if he met Jensen in college if he would have. But now when he looks at Jensen he still sees those gorgeous green eyes and an attractive body but also a kid sticking Legos up his nose.

He notices the kid as well as the man, that kid who brings out every protective bone in his being.

What if he did keep Jensen for himself, would he still have met Jared? Fallen for him? He wonders about the biggest what if,

What if he’d had Jensen would he still feel for what he does for Steve?

Chris has _never_ doubted his love for Jensen and knows he would follow the guy to hell if it was asked of him but meeting Steve made him think that maybe Jensen wasn’t the only one he would chase. 

When he first met the solemn man known as Steve Carlson the dude bugged him. The guy was just so serious and glum, sure Chris wasn’t Mr. Sunshine but at least he smiled. So he made an invisible list which all involved making Steve laugh. In the end it didn’t actually take much effort as the guy turned out not to be as moody as he first appeared. 

Steve has this calm, laid back nature about him that Chris couldn’t stop himself from being attracted to. Being friends was effortless and Chris started to compare the guy to a bottle of whiskey because with one hit Steve eased any worries Chris had and made him feel like could do anything. Steve was uncomplicated and didn’t demand anything from Chris.

He doesn’t like to compare Steve and Jensen but to him they are very different. Steve was the one to bring him tranquillity and with Jensen he was the one to make him more alive with every smile turned his way.

Steve brought him peace and Jensen gave him life. 

At first he was cautious with letting Steve in because in his opinion he only needed Jensen but the more time he spent with the man he realised he was content for the first time since he watched that damn red car drive away.

Steve soon came to be a fixture in his life and he came to rely on him. Steve kept him sane and though Chris wouldn’t exactly call himself gay, he couldn’t deny that his feelings ran deeper than friendship. Jensen was really the only guy he looked at in that way when he first hit sixteen but now he couldn’t lie and say he never thought of Steve in the same way and his opinion on the man only grew when he learnt of his love for music.

One thing that has never let Chris down was music.

He spent most of his teenager years working in the music store down the street from school. He didn’t really think about music in that way because he found it a chore dealing with brainless customers all day but that soon changed the moment he lifted a guitar off the rack, Chris found that nothing felt more right underneath his hands than that guitar. On his breaks he would spend his time learning to play. For Chris it came naturally, like breathing, and he finally found something he was good at.

It wasn’t until he met Steve that he thought he could actually have a career init. He can’t remember all the details that led to starting their own band but he does recall Steve refusing to find a singer when Chris already had the voice for it. 

Chris put up with all those stupid singing lessons and paid no attention to the way Steve would smirk every time Chris threw a fit.

It was worth it in the end to stand up on that beer stained stage and play his heart out to a small crowd. He could never explain the high he felt as each show gained more and more followers. He knew then this was what he was supposed to do and he worshiped every second of it especially with sharing the lime light with Steve.

He never imagined that one day he would have to choose between the two things he loves the most.

There wasn’t really a choice but part of him knew that Steve came with one of them and that made Chris hesitate for just a second.

In the end he knew it was going to be Jensen, he may have felt something for Steve but Jensen was everything and some part of him wished that he had never met that freckled kid; he hates that part as much as the night there was a quiet knock at his door. 

_“Fucking hell, give me a sec...” He tripped over on his way toward the front door while pulling on his jeans. He didn’t think his surprise guest would be thrilled with him answering in the nude. He finally managed to do up his button as he pulled open the door. He staggered back, like the wind had been knocked out of him._

_What the fuck?_

_“Jensen?” His heart squeezed painfully as the bloodied visitor nodded his head slowly. He’s unable to move and he stared as the blood dripped from Jensen’s forehead down his neck. His hands curled up into fists as his hallway carpet started to turn crimson._

_“....” He can’t get words past the frozen lump in his throat and that seemed to make Jensen hunch over even more, trying to hide. The coldness in his body melted away to leave room only for his anger._

_“What the fuck happened?" He stood immobilized as Jensen’s whole body quivered with each shudder. Chris fists tightened. “Jensen where is Ja-.” He stopped as Jensen’s legs start to tremble so hard that Chris placed his hands out ready. “Was Jar-” He reached out before Jensen knees hit the floor; he ignored all the blood as he wrapped his arms around Jensen’s waist and held him close. “I need you to tell me if he’s hurt as well?”_

_So many possibilities started to form in his head; did they have a car crash? Mugging? His whole body turned cold as Jensen full out sobbed into his bare chest, he didn’t pay attention to the tiny whimper Jensen let out as he pulled him even closer, he just needed to know he’s alive and here._

_Just hearing Jensen cry is enough to make his heart ache and to mend whatever has Jensen sounding like this. He closed his eyes, afraid what he would do if he actually cried. He believed only two things could make Jensen fall apart and since he’s fine, he can only assume Jared is hurt or...well he can’t afford to think of that other option._

_He pulled Jensen at arm’s length and looked at his blood stained face, he used his thumps to wipe Jensen tears away and whispered gently “Just let me get my car keys and we can get you checked out at the hospital.” He stepped back, surprised at the thud that sounded in his empty hallway. He twisted around to see Jensen lying on the floor, crying while taking huge gasps of air .A red tinted rage exploded over his vision when Jensen let out a pained hiss. He lay down next to him and pulled his hands away from his face. Jensen tried to draw them out of his clutch, but his hold’s strong, the bones in Jensen’s wrist feel thin and he spotted pieces of glass still stuck in his blooded palms._

_Chris hummed a quiet tune as he stroked his shaky fingers across Jensen pulse. His tears start to slow and his body stilled._

_He knew he couldn’t wait any longer so he stood up and placed an arm around Jensen’s waist to help him into his apartment. He gently put him down on the sofa and ran to look for his keys._

_In his bedroom, he threw on a shirt and is about to grab his keys when he heard the tiny whisper, “Jar...he isn’t hurt.” Some part of him wanted to cheer that Jared’s okay but a bigger part of him was wondering where the fuck he was. He closed his eyes when Jensen carried on in such a painful voice “He did-”_

_Chris stumbled back like he’d been physically pushed. He slowly sat on his bed and tried to calm his thumping heart that was trying to escape. His mind’s a whirl as he tried to figure out what the hell was going on. Jensen can’t be saying what he thinks? This was Jared they talking about right? He watched as the colour in the room drained and felt sick at just the thought of Jared hurting Jensen in anyway. He rubbed his clammy palms down his jeans, he has to ask the next question but his mouth just can’t form those words. He unsteadily reached toward his bed side unit for his phone. He can’t even read the screen as he dialled a number without even thinking about who it was._

_“Chris, its 1 AM.” His lip quivered and he bit down hard._

_“I’m sorry I...” he bit harder. “I don’t know...” **if I’m strong enough to handle this so please tell me what to do?**_

_“What’s wrong?” **What isn’t wrong?**_

_“It’s...” **Jared, you know the guy, the sweet, kind, funny guy, the guy I trusted Jensen with. Well that guy just hurt Jensen and I’m not talking about a punch in the face , no I’m talking about the fact that Jensen showed up looking like an extra from Dawn of the Dead and now I can’t stop thinking if this was the first time?**_

_“Is Jensen okay?” He can taste blood now as Steve started his car._

_“I don’t know.” **And I’m terrified of just the thought of Jensen not being okay.**_

_“Look, I’m about ten minutes away so just stay... calm.” Easier said than done when his world was decreasing around him. He listened to Steve drive and he swore every time he hit a red light. He concentrated on this instead of the images floating around in his head of Jensen screaming out for his help while Jared... He barely made it to the toilet before throwing up; when his stomach at last is empty he stands on his wobbly legs next to the sink. He rinsed his mouth out before hearing the loud knock and Steve must have breached quite a few speed limits. He couldn’t be more grateful because Steve will know what to do._

_He can fix this and make everything else disappear._

_Chris knew he needed to move but he rested his forehead on the cool mirror and just wondered if it’s possible for him to hole up in here instead of facing up to the failure he is when he has to look upon the damage that Jared has caused. Just thinking his name made him let out a groan, he held his stomach until it settled down again._

_A louder bang this time, Jensen sobbing started again and it’s those cries that gave him energy to budge. He needed to get him to the hospital and not have a fucking break down. What good was that going to do for Jensen? He closed his eyes and took a deep breath before entering the living room._

_The sight once again crashed at him. Jensen was still on the sofa but he had tried to make himself as small as possible. Chris can see the large bit of glass stuck out of his leg and felt nauseous at just thinking about who put it there. He wanted nothing more than to curl up with him, hold on and never let go but the banging on the door was becoming thunderous, he’s sure the neighbours will complain so he rushed over to let Steve in._

_Before he can explain anything Steve was there checking Chris over and then he watched as Steve lost all his colour as he stands rooted gaping at Jensen._

_Neither of them moved as they watch Jensen huddle more into the sofa but his cries have dulled down._

_“Is that...?”_

_“Yeah.”_

_“Why the hell isn’t he at the hospital?” Steve pushed past him to check Jensen. “Shit! Chris what were you waiting for? For him to bleed out on your fucking COUCH??” Chris flinched at the heated look thrown his way but Steve returned his attention back to Jensen whose whole body was still shivering, his hands over his ears._

_“Keep your voice down.” He ordered. Chris came to bend down next to the sofa but when he goes to touch him, Jensen recoiled backward like he was going to hit him. Chris bit his lip and swore underneath his breath as his mind flashed more images of Jared hurting Jensen._

_He’s going to rip Jared apart._

_He felt useless as he just knelt there with his hands hovering but not touching. He thought back to what calmed Jensen down in the hallway and started to hum a tiny song as he tried to lay his hand on the back of Jensen’s neck. He let out a sigh as Jensen let him softly stroke his neck and after a while leaned into his hold. He looked up to see Steve watching closely and saw a flash of something in his eyes before it’s gone._

_“Chris, we have to get him to the hospital.” His voice was much gentler this time._

_“Jensen?” The skin underneath his hand tensed before Jensen lifted his head to look at him. He took no notice of the sharp intake of breath from Steve as he lightly took Jensen head in his hands. “We need to get you to the hospital.” He felt queasy as his left hand smeared the blood on Jensen’s cheek_

_“Can you stand?” He waited for the slow nod before standing. He held out his hands and tried hard to keep steady as Jensen placed his red stained ones into his. Chris pulled Jensen to his feet while hiding a shiver when the glass pricks at his hands. He wrapped his arm around Jensen’s waist as he let Jensen use his body however he wanted. Chris watched as Steve took in Jensen’s whole appearance, his body started to shake while his jaw tightened._

_“What happened to him?”_

_He tasted blood and bile in his mouth when he answered with one name that he thought would **never** hurt Jensen._

_“Jared.”_

 

After that he had to listen to some nurse explain how they had to sedate Jensen and how they wanted to keep a close eye on him, he was positive she wasn’t just talking about his injuries. 

He sat through all the shifty looks him and Steve got, thinking it was them that wounded Jensen, when Chris would rather kill himself before he ever laid a hand on him and he’s positive Steve felt the same.

Chris’ first instinct was to call the police and get that asshole put away but for some idiot reason the nurse wanted to talk to Jensen first. Like that would do any good when Jensen obviously wasn’t in his right state of mind. It didn’t do them any good when it was time to speak to Jensen; he felt Steve’s hand on his back tighten as they listened to Jensen lie about falling into a glass table. He felt Steve’s hand crawl into a fist when Jensen told them he was dizzy and ending up fucking tripping and hitting his head on a cabinet nearby. 

Chris can’t ever think of a time when he felt so irritated and just wanted to yell at Jensen. 

Jensen was covering for that bastard who fucking hurt him and left him for dead in Chris’s eyes. 

Yeah, he was livid. 

It was only Steve that stopped him that day from going to pay Jared a friendly visit. Steve told him _“Jensen needs you more than ever so forget about that bastard and focus on him.”_ And if it was anyone else in that hospital bed then Chris wouldn’t have stayed. 

He thought at the time that now that he had Jensen safe then he could deal with anything but he wasn’t expecting Jensen to be so far broken that Chris feared he wouldn’t ever be right. He has three days he counts as his worse and his father leaving and his mother killing herself weren’t on the top of that list. Neither of those days could compare to the grief, loneliness and anguish he felt when he watched over Jensen in that hospital bed. 

Jensen didn’t say one word, nothing, didn’t even acknowledge he was there even when Chris would curl up behind him and just cling to Jensen. He didn’t pay attention to the looks he got as they watched a full grown man wrap his arms around another man in a bed. He didn’t care because it was just him and Jensen. He knew he didn’t do it for Jensen’s benefit but for his own selfish reason just to know Jensen was still here. 

But each day Jensen seemed to get further from his grip. They even had to put in a food tube because Jensen refused to eat. It wasn’t like Jensen said no but he didn’t make any action to eat or even take in the food that was there.

As he sat there and watched the one person he loved most slip away from him, Chris felt himself going along as well. 

Steve, of course, was the one to pull him back.

_Another day gone in that uncomfortable chair, watching a twisting and turning Jensen sleep .He wanted nothing more than to erase the image of Jensen’s bony figure laying there connected to so many different tubes. He’s dizzy at how the white bedding has more colour than its occupant._

_He tried to keep his attention beneath Jensen’s forehead because he can’t bare the sorrow that took over each time his eyes noticed that damn bandage, the nurse telling him that it would scar. He thought bitterly that wasn’t the only thing that would scar. He jumped when a hand landed on his shoulder and he looked up to see Steve._

_“You need to go home, Chris.” He wanted to laugh because his home was practically comatose in a fucking hospital bed. Steve must have caught on because he squeezed his shoulder before dragging a chair over to sit next to him. Neither of them said anything as he sensed Steve studying him. He carried on staring at Jensen._

_As the silence grew between them they started to hear soft whimpering coming from Jensen’s sleeping form._

_“Do you think Jensen will ever be the same?” Steve didn’t answer and Chris can’t breathe._

_**“Thank you.”** _

_Warm streaks started running down his face._

_**“My name’s Jensen”** _

_He bent forward as he grabbed his chest._

_**“You have really, really pretty eyes, like the sky.”** _

_He felt like he was suffocating._

_**“Chris, did you even study? And before you ask, I’m not letting you cheat from me so bugger off.”** _

_He let out a harsh sob._

_**“I just wanted them to be proud of me, you know.”** _

_He tried to inhale but the air in the room had vanished._

_**“I’m not drinking that, what the fuck did you put in it? That’s just disgusting, Kane”** _

_He covered his face with his hands._

_**“I think I might be falling for him, Chris.”** _

_And screamed._

_**“You’re my family.”** _

_Screamed until he felt that red burning pain cover his throat_

_**“Well, Chris, you’re stuck with me so suck it up and I promise I won’t laugh.”** _

_His whole body started to tremble from his toes to his hands and all he could do was..._

_**“What would you do without me?”** _

_Cry._

That night he was sure he was going to drown but Steve’s hand on his back kept him afloat. 

That was also the night when he made a choice between Jensen and his music career. The choice was obvious; he decided to spend the rest of his life sewing each piece of Jensen back together. He always thought if he chose Jensen over his music career that he would lose Steve but Steve stood by him the whole time while he searched for the ideal place for Jensen to heal. Chris never expected him to give up his dream to follow him and for that he would always be indebted to the man.

Back then he didn’t think either of them knew what they were getting themselves into and how difficult it was going to be living with Jensen. 

Especially since Jensen wasn’t there. 

He truly had no recognition of the people or things around him and he’d spend his days staring ahead. The only reaction they ever got out of him was when there was a loud noise and Chris felt empty at how Jensen would start to tremble, like he was terrified someone was going to hurt him. When that did happen all Chris could do was hold him while he hummed or Steve sat by playing a light song on his guitar. Still he didn’t think that was enough as he watched his friend fight his demons on his own without once asking for assistance. 

The foolish doctor at the hospital had told them that Jensen was showing signs of suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder. The doctor couldn’t understand why Jensen had told them the injuries were self-inflicted, obviously with the way he was handling it now, Jensen was overlooking the truth. He explained to Chris that Jensen couldn’t handle the shock of what had happened and sometimes when someone goes through a traumatic event like that they will shut themselves off. 

He tried to listen to her but all he could hear from her lips were words like nightmares, victim, therapy, depression and each word was a nail in Jensen’s coffin. His mind just couldn’t comprehend how this was his best friend they were talking about. She had no idea of the torture she was putting him through when every sound she made was taking Jensen further away from him. 

Once again he was just thankful Steve was there.

They prescribed all sorts of pills they were supposed to shove down Jensen’s throat and the doctor told them she thought it was best if Jensen attended a therapy session once a week but Chris declined.

Chris had to deal with talking to a therapist when his mother killed herself and he wasn’t going to let some random stranger talk to Jensen like he was a nut job. He was Jensen’s next of kin and his power of attorney after Jensen’s family threw him away so no one could argue with him when he said he’d rather Jensen not see a therapist and just take him home. He was even surprised when Steve said no word against it.

Chris could never explain the pure agony he felt as he helped this person who was borrowing his best friend’s skin for the time being. 

Jensen would only eat when food was placed in front of him and only moved when he needed the bathroom. Some part of him thought he should be pleased that Jensen still did that but couldn’t when he still had to help Jensen bathe some days and spend half his nights lying awake listening to Jensen sobs. 

It was exhausting and draining looking after him but Chris could deal with all that but what he couldn’t handle was Jensen not speaking. He started fearing he would forget what Jensen sounded like after not hearing a word for months. Each day the fear grew as he started to think that maybe Jensen did need professional help and some part of him knew they would lock Jensen up. He couldn’t let that happen so he sat there each day talking random crap until _finally_ one day he heard that amazing voice tell him to shut up. He laughed so long after that and ignored the tears that made their way down his face. 

It took time and some days he just wanted to run but every so often he could see that freckled kid appear in Jensen and Chris knew he’d get him back one day. 

Still there were nights when his only company was a bottle of Jack Daniels and his mistakes the only source of entertainment. He would sit there with his head in his hands for hours just thinking about how he was the one who introduced Jensen to that bastard and he was the one to not notice. He felt foolish for never seeing. He knows Jensen better than anyone and yet he couldn’t tell when the kid was in pain. 

_“So you think he’s right for our Jenny?”_

The whiskey is the only thing that tames all the images rolling around in his head of a green eyed freckled kid crying and yelling out his name. His stomach turns just thinking about what else Jensen has kept hidden from him. 

Jensen only told them what they _had_ to know. He never told them how long it was going on or how far Jared went with the physically abuse and his blood boiled wondering if Jared ever.... he can’t even name the word without wanting to hit something or curl up in a corner and just weep. 

He wanted to scream and rip the world apart at just thinking of Jensen suffering alone and it was his entire fucking fault. Why the hell did he introduced them? Why didn’t he just let Jensen make his own choice? In all the years he’d known him he never once got involved with Jensen’s decisions in his love life and in all honestly all of Jensen’s relationship often ended on good terms. Not once did Jensen end up crying over some prick that dumped him and because Chris wanted so badly for him to be happy he didn’t think twice about pushing him into Jared’s waiting arms. He didn’t think and now he was going to spend the rest of his days paying for it. 

Jensen would tell him over and over that it wasn’t his fault but Chris knows the blame lies with him and only him. Even at the start he knew something was off with Jared. The guy was too decent to be true and Chris could see how easily Jared let his emotions provoke him. He used to catch glimpses of Jared clenching his fists when Jensen smiled at him and would hear the grind of his teeth every time Jensen laughed at something Chris said. He should have done something back then but he never thought Jared would inflict pain on Jensen because it was plain to see the guy loved Jensen and that was enough for Chris. Why the fuck didn’t he see? Was he so desperate for Jensen to be happy that he was blind to see what was really going on? He asks these questions all the time but has yet to receive an answer and if Chris spends most evenings crying into his whiskey then no one needs to know. 

Chris once again makes a promise but this time it’s not like the first one he broke, no, this promise will be his hands around Jared Padalecki’s neck and he plans to hold onto that promise. 

He won’t ever tell anyone the sinister and cruel thoughts that twirl in his head and he can admit that even those thoughts frighten him. He may hate his father and curse his mother but he never dreamt of their blood staining his hands and laughing at the feel of their heart stopping in his fist. 

The things he desires to do to Jared make him want to hide away but he can’t deny the thrill he gets every time he thinks of that lifeless corpse. 

Yeah, Chris can honestly admit that he scares himself. 

But he knows he would get his hands dirty for Jensen because he would do anything for that kid and Jared can only hope that Steve is there to stop him. 

It was selfish of him to depend on Steve so much but Steve was all he had left. Steve was whole and Chris didn’t have to chase scattered pieces of him. Even now he doesn’t think he’ll ever find all the pieces that used to makeup Jensen Ackles. 

Jensen was never going to be the same and he was going to have to live with how pathetic he is for letting down the only person that loves him or loved, he doesn’t quite know anymore. He can’t explain the pain in his heart before Jensen, now it’s a dull ache because he doesn’t look at Chris like he used to. 

He wished he could spend his days wrapped up in his self-pity but Steve won’t let him do that. If it wasn’t for Steve then he has no uncertainty that both he and Jensen would be finished. Steve is the glue that held them together and kept him trying every day to pull Jensen back. 

When Jensen did finally return it got easier to breathe but he still wouldn’t admit he was a victim. Jensen thinks of the word as a weakness, as his failure but he needs Jensen to get that none of this was his fault. Jensen has to accept that for him to truly put the past behind him and he knows he’s a hypocrite but Jensen still has a chance to be happy. The only problem is that Jensen being the kind hearted soul he is only blames one person for the state he is in and that isn’t even Jared. It can be hell of a frustration when it comes to Jensen but Chris wouldn’t love him if he wasn’t that guy.

Nevertheless he can’t wait to see when Jensen will finally be free of all that poison and rotten love that Jared affected him with. Even after three years Jensen still has a way to go but Chris now has faith that he will get there and he will be standing by his side all the way. 

He likes to think that Steve will be waiting for him when Jensen is healed but he can’t make any promises about leaving Jensen in the care of someone else’s hands. He can’t keep Jensen hidden and in the future when Jensen is ready, he will fall in love again but Chris has to be certain that this guy doesn’t turn out to be a sick fuck; he has to be sure he’s putting his trust in the right person this time. He can only hope that Steve will be there at the end but he wouldn’t be mad if he does decide he misses his old life too much to stay with him. He already carries the blame for Steve giving up his music career to help him with Jensen and he knows that he’s not the only one with these kinds of feelings but that somehow doesn’t make him feel better. 

He wants nothing more than to ride off in the sunset and gets his own happily ever after but Jensen will for all eternity come first. He can’t be happy unless Jensen is and right now he’s still collecting pieces.

Chris was never one to believe in a higher power but he likes to think someone is looking out for him when Jensen’s car wouldn’t start this morning. It wasn’t like he found it enjoyable acting like a taxi driver especially as he didn’t have to be up early but he truly was thanking someone when he went to pick Jensen up. If Jensen’s car did start that day then Chris wouldn’t be standing here seeing Jared fucking Padalecki rattle Jensen around while Jensen himself was already doing his fair share of shaking. 

Just seeing those nasty hands being on Jensen again made his heart twist and fists tighten. Those hands that caused Jensen to bleed, to cry, to scream and Chris’ vision blurred crimson just thinking of all the wicked pleasure Jared must have got out of it. 

“Get your fucking filthy hands off him,Padalecki, before I rip them off.”

He stood still as he saw both Jared and Jensen’s attention turn to him but both wearing very different expressions. He took a step forward as Jared’s hands tighten on Jensen shoulders while Jensen’s trembling seems to get worse and he wants nothing more than to pull Jensen to him.

“Do I have to repeat myself?” he snarls out as his nails start digging into his palms. The sting helps him keep his focus and not just punch Jared into next week. He feels a warm twinge run down his left hand as Jared answers. 

“No, I heard you loud and clear, Kane, but I don’t see how this has anything to do with you.” Chris lets out a snort at that. 

“Anything that has to do with Jensen has to do with me, Padalecki. ” He keeps his calm as Jensen starts to pull away from Jared. 

“Chris,let’s just go home.” But before Jensen can reach him Jared is grabbing his arm. Every bone in his body is yelling out for him to tear Jared’s hand off but Chris has to deal with this carefully. 

“Jensen, just give m-”

“Get your hands off him.” He’s trying to be calm but it’s getting harder as he watches Jensen drawing into himself. 

“Look all I want to do is talk.” Jared says in a tone that sounds very closely like pleading but that just makes Chris want to hurt him even more especially as Jensen isn’t making eye contact with either of them. “Jensen, please, just let me have an hour.” 

“You just don’t get it do ya, Padalecki?” He knows he has to get Jensen away from Jared but he also knows he wants Jared to throw the first punch. Steve and Jensen might think he’s dumb but even he’s aware that Jared could press charges and if it was for Jensen he would willingly go to prison but it isn’t just about Jensen anymore. 

“Just stay the fuck out of this, Kane.” Jared growls at him and for the first time he lets himself see what has changed in him. Steve has told him that he felt like he was speaking to a stranger when Jared showed up, but he couldn’t agree because he can clearly see Jared in this guy. Everyone may think that the old Jared was gone but Chris understands that no one wants to think that this is still that Jared. 

“He doesn’t want you, Jared.” It hits the intended mark as Jared steps back and finally lets go of Jensen but Chris can’t find any joy at the distress on Jared’s face because Jensen is seeing it as well. He can’t let Jensen feel sorry for this jackass so he quickly adds a comment that he knows will rile Jared up, “Now, why don’t you go home and cry to your mama.” 

Chris head whips around so fast that he sure it’s going to twist off but then he registers the throbbing coming from his nose. He blocks out the drowning pain and he doesn’t think of Jensen’s retreating steps, all his attention is on the giant who is now in front of him, breathing heavily in his face.

“This has nothing to do with you”. 

Fear doesn’t even enter his body as he stares up at the dickhead in front of him, all he feels is irritated that this man thinks he’s better than him, that Chris ever thought this guy would be good for Jensen. 

“I think you got us confused because I am the one that’s been with Jensen every second for the last three years!” He forces Jared back a step. “I wasn’t the one that left him for DEAD!” He watches the flash of guilt in Jared eyes before his eyes turn cold. 

“Why don’t you just fuck him already?” 

“You would love that.” He stands right in Jared space now “It would make your guilt so much easier to live with, wouldn’t it?” He shoves Jared in the chest with both hands. “Jensen’s never done anything wrong but if he had slept with me then you could put some of _your_ blame on him.” He gives Jared another push. “You got one sick twisted mind there, Padalecki.” He whispers the last part but Jared hears him loud and clear as he takes another punch to the face. 

Chris once again ignores the sting and spits the blood from his mouth right onto Jared white shirt and gets satisfaction out of seeing the disgust on his face. He doesn’t think twice before tackling Jared into the nearest car. He feels a knee in his stomach but throws his fist out and has the pleasure of hitting Jared’s face.

Jared turns around and elbows him in the ribs and Chris can’t bury the pain filled grunt he lets slip. 

“Is that all you got, Kane?” The words run around in his head on repeat and soon images of a pale fragile body in a hospital bed mix with them. 

_“Do you think Jensen will ever be the same?”_

He throws another punch at Jared with all his strength and hears the crunch of Jared’s head hitting the car. He grabs Jared by the throat, twist him around so he can bend his head and he doesn’t even blink when he rams Jared head into the side of the car.

“Don’t ever underestimate me.” He whispers into Jared’s ear and shoves Jared back but doesn’t get far before Jared is throwing another hit, this time Chris ducks before throwing his own punch which sends Jared back into the car again. He’s on Jared in a second and just keeps on beating his head against the roof of the car. His whole body warms with delight when red spots trickle down the car window. But before he can get another hit, Jared is pushing him backwards. 

“What the fuck is wrong with you!” Jared spits into his face while holding the side of his head. 

Before he can strike back a pair of arms circles his waist and though Chris would have no difficulty breaking the weak hold, he doesn’t try when he hears the small whisper “He’s not worth it, Chris.” Jensen places his head inbetween his shoulders and Chris can feel wetness soaking though his shirt. 

“He’s nothing.” 

He doesn’t turn around; his whole body vibrates from the way Jensen is shaking as two guys hold Jared back. 

“Look, your acting like a bunch of kids, I don’t know what went on between you two but you can’t behave like this here.” The taller of the two guys says. Chris doesn’t recognise them but by the way both guys keep shooting Jensen concerned looks he can guess they work with Jensen.

When the guy gets no answer he tries again “Sorry, I don’t think I made myself clear enough but if you two don’t disappear in the next minute then I will call the police to help you. The guy is definitely a teacher by the way his voice holds no argument. 

Jared shoves both guys away before making a move for him or Jensen, he’s not quite sure. The taller guy grabs Jared again. “Do you really want me to get the police involved?” He growls in Jared’s face and Chris finds enjoyment at seeing Jared look dazed at having someone as tall as him standing right in his face. He likes the guy already even if he did threaten to call the cops on him. 

“I would listen to Tommy if I was you.” The shorter man says. 

Jared turns back to him and Chris knows he’s not really looking at him but at the quivering mess behind him. “Jensen-”

“Just go.” He doesn’t know who’s more shocked at hearing Jensen voice hold strong but Jared takes a step forwards before Chris lets out a growl. The arms around him fall away when Jensen appears in front of him. Chris wants to feel proud that Jensen has stopped shaking but can’t when he knows damn well that just one word will send Jensen back to that state. 

“I don’t know what you want but I don’t care.” Jensen holds up a hand before Jared can cut in.“Go away.” Chris can’t believe he feels a pinch of remorse from seeing the tears building up in Jared eyes. He shouldn’t feel anything for this bastard. 

“Please, Jen, I just need to explain.” Jared goes to grab Jensen but Jensen steps out of the way. 

“You should have explained three years ago.”

“You wouldn’t have understood.” Jared says in a broken whisper that makes the pinch turn into a squeeze. For fuck’s sake, Jared deserves everything he gets and Chris start to picture a bleeding and frightened Jensen in his mind and that hate is back in full swing.

“Maybe, maybe not but you never gave me that chance.”

“I know but if you just listen to me now I can fix this.”

“You honestly believe that, don’t you?” Jensen just sounds tired now.

“I’m still me, Jen.”

“That just makes it worse.” Jared once again goes to touch Jensen but stops dead at the same time Chris sucks in a harsh breathe.

He would give anything to hide Jensen away from that shiny gold band but he knows it already too late when Jensen’s eyes shadow over with sadness and something tightens in his chest when Jensen advert his eyes. 

“Go home to your wife, Jared.” It’s the first time in a long time that he’s heard that name from Jensen and it honestly sounds like Jensen is trying to speak around broken glass in his throat. He thinks he prefers those days of silence than that cracked sound coming from Jensen’s voice. 

He can already see Jensen’s hands start to tremble and notices he’s not the only one as Jared steps back to compose himself and then pulls out a card, which Chris can only guess is a business card, from his wallet. 

“Jen-” Jared shakes his head before letting out a small hiss and Chris feels a bit of triumph for being the one to cause that pain. “I’ll go, Jensen, but please just think about hearing me out sometime.” He goes to pass him the card but Jensen doesn’t take it. Jared lets out a sad sigh before placing the business card into Jensen’s jacket pocket. He sees the way Jared’s eyes cloud over with shame when Jensen flinches but Jared quickly conceals it. 

“Take care of yourself.” This makes Chris let out a harsh laugh which turns Jared attention back to him. “You got something to say, Kane?” 

“Nope, just find it amusing that you suddenly care.” Jared goes to take a stride towards him before the tall guy, Tommy, steps in the way. “I think you should leave now, Mr.Padalecki.” 

Jared eyes Tommy for a few second before letting out a grunt and turns to make his way back to his car. He stands perfectly still as he watches Jared drive off and is only busted out of his glance when he hears Tommy voice.

“You all right, Jensen?” 

“Yeah, shit, I’m sorry, Tom.” Jensen sounds so miserable that Chris just wants to take him home but Tom places his hand on Jensen shoulder and is glad to see that Jensen doesn’t shrink back but he has to wonder who this Tom guy is. 

“There is nothing to apologise for.” Tom smiles and gives Jensen’s shoulder a tiny squeeze before letting go. 

“Except to my poor baby that now has a head size dent in it.” The smaller guy mumbles as he pats the side of his car, that Chris notices is the one he shoved Jared’s head into. 

Oops. 

“Fuck man, I’m so sorry I didn’t think.” He goes to take out his wallet. “Look I’ll pay for any damage I have caused.” The smaller guy just waves him off while using his tie to wipe the trail of blood off his window. He notices both Tom and Jensen both look repulsed by this action but the guy doesn’t seem bothered as he happily carries on. 

“It’s cool dude, you were defending Jenny’s honour.” Wow, now Chris has a sudden urge to make another head size dent in the car. 

“What did you just call him?” Sure, he calls Jensen that sometimes but only because he knows Jensen. This asshole can’t just go around calling Jensen whatever he feels like. 

“Chris, calm down.” Jensen places his hand on his chest and pushes him back gently from the shorter guy. “He’s a friend.” The word shouldn’t cause him such suspicion but Jensen has never mentioned these guys before. Jensen must sense this as well “This is Michael, the drama teacher here.” And then he nods to the other guy, “and this is Tom who is the P.E teacher.” 

Chris holds his hand out to the drama teacher first who done with his cleaning and shoved his tie in his pocket. “Christian Kane.” 

Instead of shaking his hand Mike pulls him into a hug and he feels the burn from the hit on his ribs by Jared but that doesn’t seem to stop Mike. 

“Man, it is so good to finally meet you.” Chris doesn’t know what to do with his arms so he just leaves them limp by his side while Mike lifts him off the pavement, “Jen won’t shut up about you and I was starting to think he made you up.” This is just embarrassing as his cheeks start to fill with heat.

“Mike, put the poor guy down.” As Chris’s feet touch the ground he spots the corner of Jensen’s mouth trying to turn upwards. Well fuck, he would let this over grown shaved teddy bear hug him a million times if it made Jensen smile.

“It’s nice to meet you, Chris.” He shakes Tom’s hand and tries to hide the shriek he wants to let out because the dude sure has a grip of steel. 

“Damn, Tommy ease up a bit.” Maybe his shriek didn’t go unnoticed. 

“Shit, sorry.” Tom lets go and uses the hand to wipe the back of his neck in a nervous habit “I forget my own strength sometimes.” 

“No problem.” Tom lets out a shy smile which makes Chris think it was worth getting his hand crushed. 

“Tommy, we better leave before Allison has my balls for being late again.” 

“Dude, she already has your balls the moment you married her,” Tom dodges the slap aimed his way.

“I’m quite surprised she doesn’t keep them on the mantel piece.” This time he doesn’t move fast enough and ends up with Mike stomping on his foot, he lets out a hiss. 

“You’re an ass.” Mike turns back to Jensen “You sure you going to be okay?” 

“Yeah, I’ll be fine.” Which both he and Jensen know is a lie “Thank you for your help.” Mike gives Jensen a quick pat on the arm before shaking Chris’s hand which he’s thankful for because he wasn’t the type of guy who was huggable. 

“It was nice meeting you.” And with that Mike opens the driver door to his dented car. “Come on, Tommy.” 

Tom doesn’t seem so eager to leave and Chris can’t help but look for a wedding ring. 

He can’t see one so it looks like there isn’t a Mrs Tommy. 

“You sure you’re okay, Jensen?” 

Chris wants to say he learnt his lesson from meddling in Jensen’s love life but the way Tom doesn’t try to cover his concern makes Chris thinks he hasn’t. 

“Hey, what are you two doing Saturday?” This seems to catch everyone attention as three pairs of eyes fasten on him. “We’re having a barbecue; if you’re free you can join us for a cold beer and free tasty food?” He ignores Jensen’s puzzled frown because they both know that there wasn’t a barbecue planned. “You can even invite the old ball and chain, Mike.” 

Mike lets out a roaring laugh “Oh, please don’t call her that when you meet her.” He grins before answering Chris “You know Jen, we have known you for nearly a year and this is the first time you invited us over, or well your friend invited us over.” 

Jensen lets out a nervous chuckle and Chris kind of regrets inviting them over. It’s taken a long time to get to where Jensen is now and he doesn’t want to push him or go backwards especially after what just happened.

“Actually, I don’t-”

“The barbecue starts at 6 so you better be there then because trust me Mike this one here...” Jensen pokes Chris’s belly, “loves his food.” 

“Hey!” He shoves Jensen away.

“What? I’m just telling the truth.” Jensen pulls an innocent look that Chris can tell straight away is an act but Tom and Mike don’t see and laugh. He can tell Jensen is trying his hardest to keep it together while the two teachers are here. 

“6 o’clock, got it.” Mike gives a salute before getting in his car.

“Are you sure, Jen?” 

“Yeah, Tom, it’s just a barbecue.” Jensen gives him a smile which Tom accepts before getting in the passenger seat of Mike car. They wave as they drive off. 

“I’m sorry Jensen.” Chris rubs his back in smothering strokes.

“It’s fin-” 

“Stop saying its fine when it’s not.” He bites his tongue when Jensen cringes at his annoyed tone. 

“They’re good guys, Chris, and like I said it’s just a barbecue.” 

“I wasn’t talking about the fucking barbecue.” Once again he tries to keep his voice peaceful but he can’t conceal his frustration. “Look we both knew that Jared might show up one day and he has, but now he’s gone.” Jensen winces like Chris just hit him and retreats away from his touch. 

“It’s Jared, Chris.” The only thing stopping Chris from going off like an explosion is how defeated Jensen sounds. 

“He may be Jared but he’s still that asshole who...” 

_Left you for dead,_

_Insulted you,_

_Cheated,_

_Lied,_

_Broke you,_

Chris didn’t know which one to say and he’s pretty sure he could think of another hundred but he settles for “…hurt you, Jen.” 

“I know.” 

Do _you_? Chris held his words as he swallows around the lump in his throat because he doesn’t want his friend to lie especially as he had no doubt what Jensen was holding onto so tightly in his jacket pocket.


	6. Chapter 6

_I was alone, falling free,  
trying my best not to forget,   
what happened to us, what happened to me,   
what happened as I let it slip. – Placebo ‘Meds’_

Genevieve’s mother had told her there were certain rules to abide by when you pursue a marriage but there was only one she followed when she became Mrs. Jared Padalecki;

_Don’t ask questions you don’t want to know the answer to._

It may seem like a silly rule, especially as a marriage shouldn’t be built on lies or secrets but no one else has a husband quite like Jared. 

Gen grew up in the showbiz world, viewing her mother on TV, and she knew without a doubt that she was going to follow. Gen was envious of her mother and the way she could turn heads. She wanted that attention, she needed to be in the spot light and have people love her. 

When she told her mother this dream she had found it to be the perfect idea and it’s only now Gen can recognize why; she was trying to make Gen into the person that _she_ wanted to be. Her mother wanted her to do all the things that she never got the chance to do; she wanted Gen to appear on the big screens and live her dream.

Genevieve probably wasn’t the only one that was resentful back then.

She got put into every audition and adored every minute of it. At the beginning of her career she did mostly performance work on stage and she cherished watching the crowd be enchanted by her. She started to get a name for herself and understood if she carried on with her acting then she could have gotten into Hollywood films. Her mother was even proud for once. It didn’t take long for Gen to let her down. Her world got turned upside down on a trip to Venice where she met a photographer named Matt. 

He was the first man she ever fell for and the first to break her heart.

All her walls came down around him and she thought he wanted to spend time with _her_ not because of the fame, sex or the media coverage; she honestly believed he loved her for just being Genevieve Cortese. Of course, back then she was foolish not to see beyond his friendly mask, that everyone has a hidden agenda. 

Her mother didn’t approve of him and that was a huge part why she wanted him so badly. Maybe that was her secret agenda. She wanted to be with a man that would make her mother disapprove. That Gen had finally picked someone for herself. Matt didn’t make enough money in her mother eyes and she didn’t think Matt’s career was actually a job but a hobby. Gen might have used Matt for a _fuck you_ to her mother, she likes to think that way even though deep down she knows she loved him. 

Gen was one for believing in romantic tales, always hoping one day her prince would come and rescue her from the evil clutches of her wicked mother. She didn’t get that there could be more than one bad guy in a story. 

She didn’t see back then how Matt was changing her each day. It started out as small disagreements and soon turned into Matt telling Gen her job was taking away from their time together and she would fall right into his trap screaming back, _what else is she supposed to do?_ That’s when Matt suggested they combine their work as one.

At first Gen thought he found pleasure in taking photographs of her but she realized he did it just for the recognition and the fat pay check. 

She didn’t even blink an eye when he would take more private pictures but she did more than blink when she spotted said pictures all over magazine covers. She couldn’t quite believe it and even listened to Matt when he explained that it wasn’t him but someone else must have gotten hold of them. Being the fool she was, she took in all his bullshit and stayed with him. 

Her mother was furious over the whole deal and soon Gen learned of the harsh reality of showbiz.

No directors wanted to hire her unless she was willing to get her clothes off and she refused every time. She wanted people to appreciate her acting skills and not what she looked like naked. She lost a lot of people she called ‘friends’ back then and no one took her seriously anymore. 

She turned all her attention to modeling and started back at the bottom of the ladder. It was exhausting to go from being somebody to a nobody but she refused to quit.

Gen worked for mostly new designers and did a few cat walk shows. She would close her eyes to the ugly looks every model would shoot her way and she would shut her ears to their gossip about how she had no self respect and how she thought she was _it_. She didn’t pay any attention to them because she _was_ better than them and one day she would be back on top. 

Survival was one thing she could do especially if she had someone waiting at home. That soon went with the same flow the rest of her life did. 

It was the only time she wished she had listened to her mother’s warnings as she walked in on Matt and a blonde in their bed. Some part of her wasn’t even surprised. Matt sure was when she threw all his stuff out of their apartment’s window and had the delight of hearing his girlish shriek when he watched his camera, laptop and even his watch smash into bits. She couldn’t stop giggling even as Matt yelled at her for being a _crazy bitch_ because she finally got her self respect back.

She was Genevieve Cortese again and _no one_ was going to take that away. 

She carried on working her way up the modeling ladder and soon people started taking notice. Gen finally got a break when she was hired to pose for a magazine spread in Vogue and after that Gen was back where she belonged. 

Gen loves the attention she gets, the looks men pass her way, the jealously on women faces. She may not want to get naked in front of an audience but she found excitement in just thinking of being someone’s fantasy. People looking at her picture, wanting her and wanting to be her. There was quite no other thrill than thinking of people desiring her and soon the phone wouldn’t stop ringing , the next thing she knew her face was pasted on every advert and bill board possible. 

She made sure to play the part at social gatherings as well, she has always been a bit of a flirt but she knew to never take it too far .She learnt that lesson from Matt too well.

Still even if she did want to get back in the game no man had caught her interest but that all altered when her parents dragged her to the annual Christmas party at the Padalecki house.

At the time she was dreading what the magazines would write about her attending a party by a family of lawyers because really what would she gain. The only thing she knew about the Padalecki’s were that they ran the hugest law firm in the country but that wouldn’t help her get another step up in her career unless she got arrested. She couldn’t see the point of attending especially as it was going to be a dreary party full of stiff old boring farts but her mother gave her no choice in the matter.

It wasn’t until her mother and Mrs. Padalecki shoved her together with the youngest son Jared, that she noticed it was a set up from the start. She still wonders what her mother got out of it, probably their first born child or knowing her mother it was money.

She observed Jared most of the night and knew right away that the guy was just the same as Matt in one aspect, they both hid behind masks. Gen thought that should make her run for the hills but watching the way Jared held himself, always twisting something inside his jacket pocket, but what made her stay was the haunted look that shaded his eyes. 

Jared had a certain amount of mystery about him that she couldn’t turn away from.

Gen wasn’t aware then that all of the things she noticed that evening were linked to a person. She knows now why he didn’t stand so tall that evening, why his hand never left his pocket and why his eyes shined with a hidden regret. She was once again a fool for thinking she could fix that air of sadness that surrounded him because only one person could and it certainly wasn’t her.

But Gen let herself believe that Jared could be the one for her and in a way she still believes it.

Jared wasn’t what she thought of when she pictured her perfect husband but they clicked in a way. Both of them were selfish and would put themselves primary first. Gen gets that people would think that certain quality about her should make her dislike herself and want to change but she doesn’t because it’s who she is and she accepts the fact that Jared spends most of his time working in his office rather than with her. 

Not exactly the relationship she wants but it’s still a relationship. 

Jared is different in so many ways but what makes her stay is he honestly doesn’t care about Gen’s career or money. She wonders what he does care about. 

She still gets lonely, which is strange because she never really had Jared to begin with. He was someone that couldn’t be pinned down. He wasn’t a mean husband or anything like that and he does have a charming side to him but there’s a distance that no one can touch. He hides behind so many walls that Gen doubts even Jared knows who he is anymore. She once thought that she could be the one he would let in but she’s still on the other side of that boundary. 

To fill the gap she spends his money, it isn’t like she doesn’t have her own but Jared is obliviously using her in some way so why can’t she get something out of the marriage too. He doesn’t comment when she comes home with shopping bags in each hand and even encourages her at times. She thinks he cared when in truth he just wants to be left alone. Gen doesn’t really understand that because she can clearly see Jared feels as deserted as her but he seems to enjoy it. 

However she did find herself falling in love with him. She couldn’t quite work out how she could love a man who rarely showed warmth or kindness but there was just something about Jared that made her want to love him. 

When he asked her to marry him she had thought he had come to share her feelings but she was so naive not to see that Jared already gave those three words away to someone else. Once again Gen was a blind fool and said yes because she truly hoped that he would come to love her and forget who ever stole his words.

Jared told her to do what she wanted for the wedding. She wasn’t hurt that he didn’t want to be involved because she expected it. She spent and organized her dream wedding. It helped take her thoughts away from whether it was the right choice and why Jared’s mother seemed so pleased about the whole thing.

Gen never took the time to think about how rarely Jared had touched her, how when they made love he wouldn’t look at her and how he would pronounce her name sometimes.

No, she didn’t think about those things as she walked down the aisle towards him and blanked out how he didn’t even seem to be there. She didn’t mind, the rest of the room had their eyes on her. She didn’t need Jared to make her feel beautiful. 

Their marriage works in some messed up way. They stay out of each other’s way and share polite conversation over meals, and the odd kiss every so often when they’re in public. They put on a show at events and she wishes so badly Jared would act that way at home. She’s a good actress and if she feels isolated at times then she hides it knowing Jared must suffer it too. 

She gets her attention fix at work so she doesn’t want to argue with Jared about how he spends more time at work than with her. She knew even back then that it was Jared’s mother that had pushed him into being with her. She gets that it’s because the law firm would get press coverage which would mean more clients for them. What she doesn’t get is why Jared would agree to it and what he gets out of it.

Gen never asks because she doesn’t want to know. 

The rule she built her marriage on started fracturing whenever she would spot Jared twirling that stupid silver ring in his hand. 

It was ridiculous how a ring could be a threat to her but it brought up so many questions that she had trouble not asking.

Jared would carry the damn thing everywhere and she would notice the way his hand would slip in his pocket most of the time especially when he would speak to his mother. She doesn’t even think Jared’s aware he does it but she can’t help question whose ring that it was when she sees him weave it in between his fingers with a faraway look on his face. 

She can tell it’s a man ring, but Jared never puts it on. When she first saw it she thought it might have been Jeff’s and Jared kept it as a reminder of a older brother who left but there is an intimate way he clings to it that makes Gen think of something precious, something that is loved. 

In some idiotic way she thinks Jared is more married to that horrible ring than he is to her. 

She hates the damn thing. 

At times she thinks about the joy she would get if she threw the fucking thing away but Jared always has the thing with him. 

Maybe one day she’ll get her chance.

Gen didn’t know she was the one that set things into motion by moving a god damn lamp. 

That was the first time she ever witnessed Jared lose his mask. The pure panic and fear on his face made her question just what she married into but she kept her mouth shut as Jared searched the garbage for his missing lamp. He would just stare at the lamp and Gen wondered if her husband had finally cracked. 

She didn’t even ask when he just took off. Didn’t say where or when he would be back but just buggered off. Gen would sit in the same spot Jared would and just stare at the lamp. She doesn’t remember how long she sat there until she saw that fleck of red. She couldn’t tell you if it was paint or blood and once again she didn’t ask. 

When Jared did come home there was something off about him. She could see the mask slipping more often as she watched him mesmerized by that lamp or that red spot. She never inquired where he went and wasn’t even upset when he left again.

The last time he came back the illusion of Jared Padalecki was shattered and Gen got to meet the guy that was hiding. 

_The moment she stepped into the apartment her gut feeling is to call the police because the whole place looked like a tornado swept though it but she didn’t pull her phone out. She finally caught sight of her husband’s bent form on the kitchen floor._

_She heard the soft weeping coming from him and once again she thought of reaching for her cell when she saw the blood covering the back of Jared’s neck._

_“Jared?” His whole body went rigid before he let out a harsh sob. Some part of her didn’t know whether to feel repulsion or shame for seeing her husband in such a wretched state. She looked around and became aware of what her high heels were stepping on. Broken plates, bottles and god knows what else was covering the whole kitchen floor. She can guess they weren’t robbed but Jared lost his temper and thought the flat would make an ideal punching bag._

_She bent down next to Jared and smelled the strong whiff of alcohol. One of his hands is bleeding while the other is holding something tightly in his fist. She didn’t need to ask to know what it was._

_“Jared, what happened?” She placed her hand on his shoulder but Jared moved away._

_He let out a pitiful laugh before he looked up at her and she can’t look away from the redness of his face. Just the thought is absurd to think that her husband is shedding tears._

_Jared crying isn’t something she has ever witnessed and she wouldn’t quite accept it if she wasn’t staring at the evidence._

_She brushed his hair away from his eyes but what she spotted there made her wish she could put it right back. Gen didn’t know if she should be envious or go out and hurt the person that could make her husband feel, when she has been trying since the beginning of their relationship and yet the most she got is a poor attempt at a smile, she doesn’t even think she has heard him laugh once but she can guess that someone has._

_“Why did you…marry me?” She was snapped from her musing by the slurred words and that damn ring flicking over his fingers._

_“I love you.” This doesn’t seem to be the comment Jared wanted as he lets out another laugh and she was hit with the aroma of more alcohol coming from his breath. Once again her throat tightened just thinking about who could make him drink this much. Jared doesn’t ever lose his composer or calm but something clearly has ruffled him and she wanted to be that something._

_“How can you love a… monster?” He stared at the silver ring “How can anyone love me?” He gripped the ring again and held his fist up to his forehead and closed his eyes “I’m just a coward, who runs away when things get too hard.” She doesn’t have a clue what he’s talking about but she doesn’t even think Jared knew she was even there. “I had everything I wanted but I just threw it away like… it was nothing.” He let out a snort as he opened his palm to look at the silver ring there. “I didn’t fight.”_

_Her own tears run down her cheeks now. She wanted to know who he didn’t fight for and ask if he would fight for them but she doesn’t because Jared’s not the only coward in this relationship._

_Neither of them speaks again. She watched Jared stare at the ring in the rubble of their kitchen._

After that, she drove Jared to the hospital and sat patiently while the doctor patched him up. She bit her tongue when he was asked if he’d been in a fight lately because it looked like his face was starting to bruise. 

She didn’t want to know so she didn’t ask. 

They went home and she didn’t question when Jared went into his office. Gen used up the rest of the evening picking up broken pieces of glass off the floor and wishing that each bit was a part of Jared that she could mend back together. She gently placed each ruined piece in the bin while listening to the chilled silence in the flat. 

Jared didn’t say a word.

He sat in his office for days but she didn’t hear a sound, not even the typing of keys or him speaking on the phone. Nothing but a harsh hush fell over the place that made her nervous to make a sound so she stayed in the quiet alongside him. 

Gen would go to bed at night and see the dim light underneath the door and she would lay alone listening to any sound. When she did doze off and wake the next morning it would be to coldness beneath her fingers where one side of the bed remain un-slept in.

Real loneliness was one thing she thought she understood but that was just an itch compared to this pain. She would very softly open his office door at night to just catch a tiny glimpse of Jared sleeping while her stomach clenched with memories of her childhood feeling abandoned every time her mother wouldn’t return home or missed holidays. Each day she felt more deserted and she knew she had to do something to bring Jared back. 

It wasn’t until she returned home from a photo shoot to see him on the phone that she thought maybe she wouldn’t have to. 

She can’t see his expression as his back is facing her but she can hear the gentleness in his voice. 

He never spoke to her like that. 

“Please don’t hang up.” She stood still while she eavesdrops and thinks she should be ashamed of herself but her husband sounds so young and kind that she has to know.

“Say something.” His shoulders tense and his hand is already in his pocket around that useless thing but all thoughts fly out of her head when she hears the next word.

“Jen?” That name was the final stone to crash into her marriage. Everything in her mind becomes clearer, as she thinks of him whispering that word so tender to her when they have sex and even sometimes in his sleep.   
She knows now that Jared is just another Matt and wonders if he’s still fucking her. 

“Please, I just want to talk.” Her hate grows for this Jen person as she hears her husband pleading now. Who would have thought Jared Padalecki would beg. It isn’t right. 

“Yeah, of course, whatever you want, Jensen.” 

Jensen? 

Now she’s confused. Is he talking to a guy? She wants to laugh at her silly thought of Jared chatting to his mistress. Jared seems to be holding his breath now as he waits for a reply. Gen finds it daft how she’s a bit green over someone she’s never met or even knew of their existence until now especially as it’s a man on the other end. Why is Jared getting so worked up over a buddy?

With a breath he replies, “That’s fine.” 

Gen’s whole body chills as Jared takes the ring out of his pocket and gazes at it in his palm.

“I promise.” She can’t ignore the terror creeping up her spine as she hears that one emotion she thought wasn’t possible for someone like Jared. 

She craves that emotion every day.

“Jen I - FUCK!” She doesn’t even flinch when the phone hits the wall, she too busy trying to ignore the frozen grip tightening around her heart. 

Every inch of her body is telling her to rip that fucking ring out of his hand but her feet remain in the doorway. In these few minutes her husband has shown more passion than in their whole relationship. 

She certain she’s missing something but she doesn’t know what.

Jeff was Jared’s brother, right? Unless she got the name confused and it was Jensen but she was sure it was Jeff. Her mind starts running through Jared’s work colleagues but no Jensen is ringing any bells, but if Jensen is so important than why hasn’t she heard of him?

The grip tightens just remembering what her husband sounded like when he made Jensen that promise. What did Jared promise?

Gen was sure of one thing and that is she’s going to fight for her marriage even if Jared isn’t. 

The first thing you did in a battle is research your opponent and she knew Jensen was dangerous so she had to be sure what she was up against and not go in unsighted. 

It was time she started asking questions. 

Jared’s too committed to the ring to notice when she steps outside the flat to make her own phone call. 

She can only hold Jared responsible for dialing this number because if he just stuck to kindness then Gen could have lived with her curiously. Jared had to show this person that one emotion that only she deserved. She was his wife and that emotion belonged to her and not some buddy. 

“Meg, it’s Genevieve…actually no, I was wondering if we could meet?”


	7. Chapter 7

_I need a summer but its winter in my heart...  
It's all the same,  
The fucked up game, you play with me.  
I need to hold you but you're never coming back... VAST ‘Winter in My Heart’_

_Drip._

_Drop._

_Drip._

_Drop._

Jensen lets his mind concentrate on the noise and he loses all other thoughts except for counting each leak of water.

_Drip._

_Drop._

_Drip._

He doesn’t quite remember how long he’s been laying in the bath now but he thinks it must have been a while. Goose bumps break out on his skin but he can’t recall a time when he didn’t feel cold anyway. 

_Drip._

_Drop._

His head starts to sink under the chilled water and he wonders what it would be like to never come back up. 

To stay lost. 

He can hear the echo of the dripping as he shuts his eyes to the hazy ceiling and holds his breath. 

_This was it, he thought, as he stared down at the black portfolio leaning against the wall. It had no idea that Jensen’s whole career, no dream, rested with it or more accurately with the photographs inside. Each photograph held a part of himself and someone telling him they weren’t good enough would mean that Jensen wasn’t good enough._

_He closed his eyes and sighed deeply. He ran both hands over his face before letting them fall limply at his sides. Jensen carried on staring at the portfolio until a voice broke into his thoughts;_

_“You really don’t have to ogle it, Jen, I highly doubt it’s going to run away and all you’re doing is giving it self-esteem issues.”_

_He would have usually laughed and replied “I wouldn’t want to give the portfolio a complex.” But he spent today wiping his sweaty palms on his jeans over a million times. Jensen had only ever felt this nervous once. It didn’t exactly turn out brilliant as he was living with Chris now._

_“Do you think they’ll like them?” Those weren’t the words he wanted to say and he certainly didn’t want them sounding so uncertain but when he came to Jared he didn’t want to hide or lie._

_“They’re stunning, Jensen. If they can’t see that, well, screw them.” Jensen couldn’t help the calm that settled in his body at hearing the confident and pride in Jared’s voice. He turned around to face him and wanted nothing more than Jared’s arms around him but he won’t take that chance, he never has._

_He hated the feeling he got whenever he saw Jared standing with his head held high, like nothing could harm him and no matter if Jared was just a step away he always seemed to be unattainable. Jared was someone that couldn’t be reached or held down and though Jensen would be happy to be that person to stand by his side, he doubted Jared thought the same._

_Over the year Jared had changed so much from that shy teenager he met at the lockers to someone who seemed so confident in their own skin. One thing he couldn’t decide was if he was envious or thankful for how Jared had let his emotions show. It was something that worried him at times because Jared was already impulsive and hasty and he feared for his friend that one day Jared may let those feelings overtake him. Jensen didn’t necessarily think it was a bad thing to not hide them but Jared was the type of person that took one emotion and increased it by a thousand. The whole world knew if Jared was happy or having a shitty day. Jensen thought that that was one of the main things that attracted him to Jared._

_He tried to ignore the constant nagging of Chris telling him that Jared wanted the same because Jensen didn’t want to risk his friendship. He didn’t know what he would do if he ever disappeared from Jared’s life. Plus he wasn’t even sure what side Jared was swinging for._

_“Seriously Jen, I can’t see how no one could …” Jared reached a hand towards his face, “love them.” He stood in surprise at the gentle touch to his cheek and was confused at the frown that suddenly marked Jared’s face. Jensen missed the warmth instantly as Jared stepped back and he could only watch as Jared turned his gaze away while running his hand through his hair, a sign that Jared was frustrated or upset._

_Something about those words and the soft touch made Jensen think he was missing something and it was important enough to make Jared look that way._

_Could Chris possibly be right?_

_The idea made him want to find a bomb shelter and wait out the end of the world. He shook the stupid thought out of his head of Chris probably already having a bomb shelter hidden away somewhere and it was one hundred percent Jensen proof._

_He decided then no more running, no more fear._

_Jensen reached out and brushed Jared bangs back, wanting nothing more than to comfort him and make that frown go. “Do you love them, Jay?”_

_He took a step back as Jared’s brown eyes snapped towards him. “Surely, you know?”_

_“Know-“ Jensen didn’t get to finish his sentence as the air rushed out of him as Jared yanked him forward by his shirt and could only gape wide eyed, doing a good impression of a fish as long arms enveloped him, crushing him closely to a solid chest. He thought Jared might call him a freak if he tried to smell him but fuck Jared smelt good. If they sold Jared smell in an aftershave he’s pretty sure he would buy it. Maybe he was a freak._

_“I love every single thing to do with you, Jensen.” He couldn’t conceal the shiver that ran though his body as each word was spoken in warm puffs against his neck. The arms around him tightened painfully before letting go but Jensen quickly fisted the front of Jared’s t-shirt and pulled his head down to his level. Neither of them moved to bridge the gap but stood there, breaths mingled on each other’s lips._

_“Everything?”_

_“Everything.” At last Jared smiled and Jensen couldn’t hold back anymore at seeing those damned dimples. He dragged Jared the final step and let out a gasp at feeling lips touch his after wanting for so long._

_It started out as a gentle pressing of lips before Jensen decided he needed more. Jared growled softly against his mouth when he reached up to place his hands into Jared hair and darted his tongue out to run along the seam of his lips. He let out a low moan when Jared’s arms around his waist pulled him even closer and his tongue rubbed against his own._

_Both of them were separated when they heard a loud shatter of glass and he suddenly felt a sharp pain. His left eye closed on reflex when he felt a sticky liquid drip down the side of his face, he reached up but didn’t get far when he saw his hands covered in blood. Jensen started to go into panic mode when he looked down to see the floor beneath him colored crimson. He felt a tight grip in his hair, yanking his head up to stare at an older Jared, Jensen couldn’t stop the terror that leaked into his body at the sight of that cruel smirk._

_“Red really is-.”_ His eyes snap open as water fills his mouth when Jensen starts screaming. He resurfaces while taking a huge gasp of air and trying to calm the burning of his lungs.

“Shit.” Jensen wipes his hands over his face while thinking he has more possibility at clutching the water running through his fingers than holding onto his life. He feels useless as a twinge start to form in the corner of his eyes. 

_Drip._

_Drop._

_Drip._

“You finally decided to grace us with your presence, princess.” Chris says it with a smirk on his face but Jensen can easily pick up the concern in his voice. He wonders sourly why Chris won’t just ask if he’s alright instead of trying to walk around it.

He’s fed up with the entire make believe Chris seems to be performing. He isn’t going to fall apart with him asking if Jensen’s okay. 

In all the years he’s known Chris he’s never once been dishonest with him but now all Chris sees when he looks at him is something that’s busted, not working right. He can’t blame or hate Chris for it but he wishes for those days when things were simple. 

Jensen can already see the bruising starting to show on Chris’ face. He can’t handle the emotions it brings today so he avoids it and takes a seat next to Steve while taking a sip of beer when Chris places it on the table with their food. 

His stomach clenches from just smelling the aromas in the air even though on a different day it would have smelt wonderful and Jensen would have shoved it down while praising Chris for his amazing cooking skills but now he can’t even bring himself to pick up his fork. 

“Jen, you need to eat.” His eyes remain on the wooden pattern of the table so he doesn’t have to see the twin looks on both Chris and Steve’s faces. He can’t fail Chris again so he picks up his fork and goes to take a bite. 

_“You should really watch what you eat.”_ His fork starts to shake but Jensen manages to get the food into his mouth.

He can’t even taste it. 

_“Seriously, Jensen, that junk isn’t good for your weight.”_ He just makes it to the kitchen trash can before it comes back up. He stands there throwing up what little he had while Jared’s voice goes on in his head. 

He tenses when he feels a hand start to rub up and down his back but relaxes when he see’s concerned azure eyes instead of hard cold brown. A small laugh slips out when he thinks that brown used to be such a warmhearted colour in autumn when he used to walk through the park with a tanned hand pulling at his scarf to jump through the leaves, Jensen would tell him to grow up while feeling safe and alive while he listened to that affectionate laughter. Now, the color just left him adrift. He didn’t know where he belonged or where he was heading anymore, he just felt blank. 

“Are you sick, Jen?” Another hand reaches for his forehead, “You don’t seem hot.” 

“I have you know I’m _very_ hot.” He retorts as he rinses his mouth out with the tap water and feels the hand on his back still when Chris lets out a chuckle. 

“You sure are, Jenny.” He lets Chris steer him back into his chair while Steve finishes off removing the dishes from the table. “Does something hurt?” Chris reaches across to check his forehead once again before backing away and looking at Jensen closely. 

_Every single day._

“No, just feeling a bit off.” He quickly adds when he sees the matching scowls, “I’m okay, really.” 

_Liar._

Steve sits back down with a glass of water for him while Chris stands observing, he shifts a bit and wonders if he could fit underneath the table but he’s done enough hiding to last him a lifetime so he sits still while Chris gets his fill. After a few minutes Chris lets out a sad sigh before taking the chair across from him. 

“He's gone, Jensen.” 

“It’s not about him, Chris.”

Neither of them says anything else but by the way Chris grits his teeth he hears what remains unsaid. 

It’s not until later in the evening resting back into the sofa, listening to Chris complain about some shitty movie, Steve telling him to shut up and just watch, when Jensen lets his hand reach into his pocket and touch the business card. _Yeah, it’s always about him._

He ignores that tiny card as much as he can but each day he finds it harder to not hold it. He can pretend to everyone else that seeing Jared didn’t affect him but Jensen can’t snub that tinge of hope that’s buried deep down in his heart. 

Jensen knows he’s a stupid idiot for even thinking about calling him but that day he saw _his_ Jared even if it was just a second. He found himself cursing to anyone that’s listening for introducing them. 

_What was the point of them meeting if in the end it only leads to this?_

_Were those seven years all the happiness he’s allowed?_

He sneaks to the bathroom before the first commercial comes on. He peeks at the mirror in front of him and he can’t conceal the fact that he’s partly responsible for the unfamiliar face looking at him, Jared as well for making him feel so torn.

His whole body is being ripped into two different directions. 

Jensen takes out the business card and becomes aware that calling this number would make his life shift into another route and some part of him is powerless to stop it because each day the questions get louder and Jensen can’t escape when that voice starts asking; 

_Why did Jared change?_

_Wasn’t his love enough?_

_What did Jensen do to deserve this?_

Each inquiry is a push towards his cell and before he knows it he’s keying in a number he’s never seen before. 

“Hello?” The voice makes him hang up. He tosses his phone onto the bathroom countertop, feeling defeated. Jared sounds unbreakable and Jensen wonders why again that he was the one to crash while Jared still stands as tall as ever. It’s unfair that he’s come out of this unscratched while Jensen suffers every single damn day. He’s so tired of being numb but it’s the only life he can live because nothing he does erases the pain. It only dims it and he can’t figure out why it won’t go away, why it won’t fade and why does Jared get to carry on?

He just doesn’t understand any of it. 

He slides down to the floor as his mobile phone starts to play a cheerful song and wraps his arms around his knees, burying that small flare in his heart and praying that Jared gives up. 

_“I know it’s not much but it can be ours Jen, just you and me.”_

He closes his eyes tight as a sting starts to form and loathes how pathetic he is. His mobile finally stops ringing and Jensen kind of wishes the song would start up again because now he can hear the one question that won’t ever leave him alone;

_How did I end up here?_

“Chris do we really need this much food?” 

“Hell yeah Jen, it’s a barbecue.” 

“So?” He takes the three bags of fucking marshmallows out and shoves them back on the shelf taking no notice of the irritated look one of the staff members is sending his way for putting them back in the alcohol section. “Why do we need marshmallows? You having a Girl Scout camp out I don’t know about?” 

Chris carries on piling bottles of booze into the trolley and Jensen can’t disagree with that. “What’s wrong with marshmallows?” he asks with such sincerity and innocence that Jensen truly worries about his friend sanity. 

“What isn’t wrong with marshmallows?” He adds a few more bottles of beer to Chris’ pile and smacks his hand away from picking up the marshmallows again. Chris tries a very poor attempt at a pout that makes Jensen want to throw a damn marshmallow at his head. It actually sounds like a fantastic idea until he sees that moody staff member still watching him. “Come on, how much more do you need?” He starts pushing the trolley along while dragging Chris away.

Chris takes out his long, very long, list. “Hmm, got, got, got, got, got-“ 

“You don’t have to tell me everything, just what else do we have to get?” He looks down to the full-up trolley, “You do know we're not having the _whole_ world over, right?” 

“Yeah, yeah, no need to get all bitchy, Jenny.” He waves his hand around like his trying to dismiss Jensen while carrying on reading down his list. “Actually I think we are done.” Chris wishfully turns back towards the alcohol segment and Jensen knows what he’s about to say before he opens his big mouth.

“Don’t even say the word.” 

“Aww come on, Jen, what did the evil, fluffy, pink, yummy tasting masterminds do to you?” Chris puts his arm around Jensen’s shoulder as they drive their trolley to the check out. “Really, how can you have such a hatred for a marsh-.” He’s cut off by Jensen shoving his elbow in his stomach. The elderly women at the checkout gives them an odd look before Chris sends his million dollar smile her way and ask if she likes marshmallows. He feels a head ache forming as he starts putting their food on the belt while listening to Chris as he goes on and on. 

They finish paying and make their way across the parking lot towards Chris’ truck. Chris unlocks the back and they start packing the bags away. Both of them freeze when they hear the annoying chirpy song coming from Jensen’s pocket. Only a few people have his number and most of them, thanks to Chris, have their own personal ringtone and this song wasn’t one he knew. 

His heart falls to his stomach as the screen is flashing an unknown number and knows without a doubt that it’s Jared on the other side. He wants to shove the phone as deep into his pocket as he can but Chris is giving him a suspicious look and he knows Chris will ask questions if he doesn’t answer. He holds out a hand to tell him to give him 5 minutes and walks a bit away from the truck but not too far that Chris can’t see him. 

He presses the green answer button and holds his breath. 

“Hi.” Jared says it with such uncertainly that Jensen doesn’t hang up. “I wasn’t sure if I should call but I had to.” He doesn’t know what to say to that and it’s his own thoughtless self that made him call Jared in the first place, it’s his own fault and some part of him wonders if he knew Jared would call back and that was why he did it. 

That stupid flare in his heart lights up again. 

“Please don’t hang up.” He’s not saying anything but he doesn’t know what to say. Should he just blurt out all the things he wants to know? Yell at Jared to leave him alone? Should he act pissed or upset? He doesn’t know what to do anymore and that scares him.

“Say something.” _Like what?_ He’s never been in a situation like this before. What do you say to your ex-boyfriend - fuck, fiancée when the last time you saw him; he pushed you into a cabinet and left you to bleed. He doesn’t even take in that his hand is moving over his scar until he sees Chris’ face turn troubled. Jensen shows him a quick smile and Chris turns back to the bags. 

“Jen?” He hates how his body warms at how tender Jared says his nickname and hates how Jared thinks he has the right to still call him that. He should really tell Jared this but his mouth remains stitched by an invisible thread. 

“Please, I just want to talk.” He will never understand why he says the next thing because he’s positive that most people in his place would just hang up.

“There’s a park nearby Church Lane, I can meet you there Sunday ‘round 2 if you’re free.” _And your wife won’t mind_ , he wants to add but doesn’t because each word is betraying not only Chris and Steve but himself. 

Why the hell is he so weak? 

He hears a rush of air on the other line then Jared saying, “That’s fine.” He wants to take it back already but he needs closure and only Jared can give him that.

“This is the only chance you’re going to get, so you better show up.” 

“I promise.” He wants to laugh at that because the last promise Jared made left him shattered into thousands of pieces. He learned a long time ago not to trust Jared promises. 

He hears footsteps heading towards his way. 

“Jen I -” He looks up to see Chris and quickly closes his phone without a goodbye because Jensen would save that for when they met. 

“Who was that?” He knows he’s scum when he tells Chris it was Danneel, an old friend of his, and feels lower than scum when Chris just smiles and accepts it, trusting Jensen wouldn’t lie to him.

He feels sick. 

Chris starts the truck and Jensen gets in the other side without sending one gaze his way. He stares out the window listening to Chris speak. Jensen rests his sweaty forehead against the cold glass and knows he will have to have another shower when they get home even though it won’t help him feel any cleaner. 

His nose gets assaulted by smoke the moment he steps outside the back of the house. He looks around and Chris is already starting the barbecue even though the guests have yet to arrive. Steve is setting misplaced chairs around a table while humming a tune. Their backyard isn’t the usual garden most houses have as there’s warm golden sand underneath his bare feet. There aren’t any plants in sight and only a hint of ocean but Jensen likes it. 

To cover them from the heat of the sun they sometimes pull a cover on top of the beams in the ground but tonight it was cooler so Steve hung different color lantern lights along them. Jensen carries the items in his hands to the table and places the dishes down. He goes back into the house for the salad when the first knock lets him know the guests have started showing.

Mike, Allison and their three year old daughter, Abby, arrive first, Sam and Jeff next, then Tom and finally the Murray Clan. 

As the night goes on, he listens to Allie joke that Mike found his missing half in Chad, Jeff chatting away to Steve about cars, Abby poking Lilly’s cheek while Sophia holds her, Sam telling Chris the correct way to grill a burger while he tries to shove her away as it’s a ‘man’ job and Tom’s friendly conversation with him about the upcoming football season at college. Jensen has a family, a very peculiar family but still a family that _wanted_ him. 

He shoves away the pinch of disappointment at not seeing his father and Josh join in on the car conversation as he knew they would, he ignores the frustration at not hearing Mack’s joyful laughter while teasing alongside Allie, he buries the regret at not looking over at Sam and watching his own mother whack Chris on the side of the head and telling him this is how the ladies cook. Most of all he hates not feeling Jared’s hand on his back because Jared would know all Jensen was hiding while sitting here and he would hear Jared whisper that family doesn’t end in blood instead of Tom talking about some quarterback. 

He excuses himself and makes his way towards the fridge inside the house.

“How are you doing, Jen?” He grabs another beer before passing it to Chad. 

“Yeah, I’m good, you? Lilly still keeping you awake?” Chad leans against the kitchen counter while opening his beer. Jensen decides this is probably going to be a long conversation so he copies Chad pose. 

“I may not know you as well as Chris but even I can tell that was bullshit.” He takes a swig of beer and turns away from Chad to look at the funky magnets on the fridge, he knows Chris didn’t put them there on purpose but looking at each different magnet that Chris has collected from different states makes the guilt heavier. “Come on Jen, I know Jared showed up.” 

“Who told you?” 

“No one had to tell me, by the way Chris and Steve are keeping even _closer_ tabs on you makes me think something happened.” Jensen looks out the window to see Steve watching them. “Did you speak to him?” 

“Yeah.”

They drink their beers in silence even though Jensen can tell Chad is curious to know what was said. He knows Chad is quite a snooping person especially with a gossip for a wife but he lets them have their peace until Chad breaks it.

“When he showed up, I felt so angry.” Jensen needs to be part way drunk to have this conversation or pissed would be an even better option. He goes back to the fridge for another beer. “But I couldn’t admit to myself that some fucked up part of me was pleased to see him again.” His hands start to tremble as he twists the beer lid off. “I feel awful for even thinking it.” 

“Hmm.” He drowns half the beer hoping it would kill Chad’s words sinking into his head and adding fuel to his heart. 

“He was my best friend since we were kids and I hate him for what he did to you but man, I… miss him.” He makes his way into the fridge again and Chad doesn’t even make a comment about him downing a whole bottle of beer, he’s probably too far gone down memory lane to see Jensen trying to blur out his voice. “I’ve seen so many different sides of Jared that I honestly don’t know who the real one is anymore.” He takes another long pull of his own beer. “Can a person really cha-”

“Hey Chad, why don’t you go help Sam with Chris.” Steve’s voice saves Jensen from finishing the beer in his hands. “I think Chris is getting ready to add her onto the menu.” 

“Oh, right sure, man, I’ll catch you later Jen.” Chad leaves and Jensen doesn’t protest when Steve reaches for his beer but he can’t remain quiet when Steve is looking at him with concern. 

“I’m fine.” 

“Sure you are.” With that Steve leaves him alone in the kitchen with laughter floating in from outdoors.


	8. Chapter 8

_I've been watching your world from afar,  
I've been trying to be where you are,  
And I've been secretly falling apart, unseen.- Aqualung ‘Strange & Beautiful’_

Over the years, Tom has come to realize that there is nothing more important than the one who is always walking beside him, but lately Tom’s been watching him walk slightly ahead of him. One day Tom won’t be able to see his back at all; he’d still rather spend his days knowing he was near rather than the other option.

There are many words to describe the emotion love but to Tom the only word that ever came with it was misery. He supposes not everyone’s love is like that but to him on his first day of school, sitting next to a kid who was throwing paper airplanes while blaming it on him, was the day that Tom’s miserable love began. 

The kid ended up falling into step with him and soon whenever he turned his head Michael Rosenbaum would be beside him, no matter what, he was there. 

It was hopeless from the start not to fall in love with his best friend. 

He has never taken the chance to confess his feelings to Mike. Tom doesn’t think he could handle the reaction he would get. He knows what Mike would answer his words with and that is something Tom can’t deal with. 

He’s come to know Mike better than anyone else but he still couldn’t understand why Mike spends 99% of his life with a stupid grin on his face. Tom’s someone who likes his life organised, planning where things are suppose to go, but with Mike he’s left in the dark, not knowing what signs to look for when Mike is sad or even happy. Mike hides his emotions well, even at times when they argue Mike will always end it with a smile and a pat on the back. 

On one rainy afternoon Tom caught a glimpse of something he wished he never had. 

_“Hey, have you seen Mike anywhere?” He asked while shoving his books into his bag and grabbing his umbrella from his locker._

_“Nope, sorry dude, haven’t seen him since lunch.” Tom gave his friend a quick nod of thanks before rushing off to see if Mike was still in the classroom. It was empty and silent except for the light beat of rain against the windows. That idiot was supposed to meet him after school but it looked like he had left already._

_With a quiet sigh Tom made his way out of school before he noticed someone lying on a bench, getting soaked. Not only was he an idiot but it looked like he had a death wish as well. Seriously what did he think he is doing? Sleeping? He opened his navy umbrella while running over to Mike._

_“Hey! What you playing at?” Tom made sure the umbrella covered Mike’s head and he couldn’t tell if the shiver that ran down his spine was from the cold or at seeing the way Mike’s wet clothes embraced his body._

_“Enjoying the sun.” He quickly took his attention away from the length of Mike’s body to see Mike eyes fixed on him. Tom took an unconscious step forward when he saw no form of smile on his face but what made him take a conscious step back was the unknown emotion playing around in those eyes._

_Tom needed control over his life, if he had control then no one or no thing could catch him off guard. He learnt early on how fragile people could be and how one shift in their life could cause them to shatter so Tom made sure to know every step he would take. But standing there in the rain watching Mike watch him made him feel for the first time in his life off course._

_“Do you ever wonder?” The yearning in Mike’s voice didn’t help his disorientation, nor the hand that reached toward him._

_“Wonder?”_

_And just like that the spell was broken and the smile was back in place. Mike patted his arm before both of them made their way home under the same umbrella._

After that day Tom couldn’t shake away the sense of lost. He doesn’t like to look too much into that one afternoon since he’s terrified of what he may discover.

Tom got older and his feelings still stay hidden. In all honestly he could have lived with that if it meant Mike carried on being with him and he could deal with wanting Mike but what he couldn’t stand was someone else wanting him. 

_“Who’s that chick with Rosey?”_

_He followed the finger that was pointed toward Mike and a tiny blonde next to him. A grain of fury buried itself deep into his chest, and Tom could feel it scraping him raw with each breath. Once again he felt his life go off balance and once again the cause was Mike, always Mike._

_Tom wasn’t one for getting angry, he thought every problem could be solved if you kept a level head but seeing that girl laugh at something Mike whispered in her ear made Tom want to rip something apart but he wasn’t sure if it should be the blonde or Mike himself._

_“You okay?” A hand reached out to remove the book that he was gripping but Tom didn’t take his eyes away from the smile being given to the pretty blonde. Panic spread to his bones at seeing that smile and he focused harder on Mike, prayed he turned his way._

_**See only me** _

_**Want only me** _

_**Love only me** _

_Tom understood that his love would forever stay in a sad corner. He didn’t get the down turn to Mike’s mouth when he saw Tom._

_Didn’t Tom deserve a real smile as well?_

He doesn’t question the frown thrown his way every so often and Tom mends his own wounds if it means Mike’s still following him. Although Tom’s wounds only seemed to get deeper when he stood by Mike’s side watching Allie walk toward him in a pure white dress. 

On that day when Mike turned toward him, Tom finally got why he was so afraid of what Mike’s answer would be. He always knew but he couldn’t face it and neither could Mike. Both of them were cowards that preferred to live in this misery than be happy. 

Tom understands that if he had told Mike that he loves him that Mike would have answered back with what he longs to hear but Mike would never say those words unless he had said them first. It was like some fucked up game between them, of who would break first but neither of them did. Mike was just the same as him. He didn’t want to lose Tom’s shadow, so he kept silent. 

Standing there and watching Mike say I do was the punishment Mike thought was fit for him because Tom also remained quiet. 

He didn’t hate Allie for taking Mike away from him. She does make Mike happy and in the end isn’t that what everyone wants, the person they love to be happy? There were times when he would have to leave the room when he couldn’t take the ache at seeing that real smile on Mike’s face when he spoke to his wife. He can hate Allie a little for having _that_ smile because not even Tom gets that. 

Tom wants to say he regrets his silence but how can he when he’s holding that little baby in his arms. How was it possible for him to detest this harmless girl when she was the last step Mike took away from him? Tom won’t let regret completely ruin him but he can’t stop the craving of wanting Mike all to himself again. 

Even now after all these years he knows if he told Mike his hidden desire that Mike would be selfish enough to give in but Tom isn’t and he can’t cause permanent damage to two sets of heart while taking another. Every day he sees people sacrificing so much for their own personal gain but Tom can’t be one of them. He tries not to ask the question whether the gain would be bigger than the loss because Tom knows having Mike would be worth the pain he would inflict on others, so he makes sure to keep that one question locked up tight.

Having Mike by his side used to be the one thing he couldn’t abide without but now he can see it growing more into a curse than a blessing. He prays his love for Mike won’t turn into hate but he can’t help but wonder why Mike also got the job at the college after months of Tom working there, did he do it to be cruel? He doesn’t think Mike could ever be that nasty and the only other option was that Mike just wanted to chase his footsteps. 

He already spends more than half his time with the Rosenbaum family and he’s accepted the sentence Mike would make him serve for the rest of his life. Tom just never expected to have the rest of his time filled up with seeing Mike at work and he has to wonder if Mike knows the pain he causing Tom every single day, knowing that whenever he tries to move on Mike will constantly be there. He doubts he will ever escape this messed up relationship but Tom wouldn’t trade it for anything. They’re still best friends and nothing will change that. 

Except Tom felt something start to shift the moment they were introduced to Jensen Ackles. 

He has met a lot of different people, especially since he started working at the college but in his life he has never came across someone like Jensen. 

The first time they exchanged names Tom knew something was off about him by the way Jensen didn’t smile. He could spot how hard Jensen was trying to make his mouth move upwards, Tom knew he wasn’t trying to be rude but Jensen just couldn’t smile and that seemed to frustrate Jensen more than anyone else. 

As the days went past it become obvious something terrible had happened to the guy and Tom spends a lot of time wondering what Jensen used to be like and if he ever used to laugh. 

He also wonders what it must have been like for his family and friends to watch Jensen become a new person, a complete stranger. Did they cause Jensen to shatter? To him, Jensen seems like one of the sweetest and shyest human beings in the world and yet someone has hurt him in such a way that has left Jensen a broken mess. He doesn’t know how else to explain the way Jensen looks at the floor while he talks to people, how he rarely speaks about his past and the only people he does talk about are his friends but not his family or a lover. 

Jensen is a very good looking man and Tom would go as far as to call the dark haired blonde beautiful but what makes him truly attractive to Tom is how Jensen doesn’t flaunt his looks and he even doubts Jensen knows just how appealing he is. 

It’s no secret that Tom prefers men to women although he does try to keep it hush at the college but when he goes home for holidays the first question out of his mother mouth would be when he was going to bring home a _“nice young man”_ and his dad would ask her _“Why do you always say young? Maybe our Tommy will bring home a sugar daddy.”_ He loves his parents and will forever be thankful for them for understanding but it’s hard to see the hurt in his mother eyes when he says he just hasn’t found that right person. Both of them know he has but that person is happily married with a child. 

Growing up, Mike was a fixture at the Welling household and his mother used to even tell the cashier at the supermarket she had two sons. His mother was hoping for the same thing Tom was but he didn’t take that chance and now it’s much too late. 

Still things started to change the more he gets closer to Jensen. Tom likes spending time with the guy and in some way Jensen is fascinating to him. 

_Can two broken pieces fit together to create a whole?_

Mike was no longer the first thought in his head but now all his thoughts seem to focus on how Jensen ended up this way. 

_How much can a human heart take before it breaks?_

Tom wonders if one day it will be him in Jensen place. Will he become someone who rarely shows emotions? Will he hide away from the world? Can love turn you into a stranger? He honestly doesn’t know the answers. 

In spite of that he can’t help the defeat he feels each time he thought he was getting closer to the real Jensen. The only phrase he seems to hear out of the man mouth is _“I’m fine.”_ Jensen’s favourite saying and some days Tom sees the invisible hand pulling the string on his back. 

_Who created this puppet, Jensen?_

A piece from the puzzle known as Jensen finally revealed itself and Tom had an answer for all his questions.

Jared Padalecki.

Soon after meeting Jared, he understood Jared wasn’t just a piece of Jensen but all of him. Tom has never seen Jensen show as many emotions as he did to Jared, he was scared one minute and the next he was angry then suddenly he become jealous and then sad. 

Jared has power over Jensen but Jensen also has equal power over him. 

Jared seemed indifferent to what was going on around him but even Tom could see the remorse shifting through his eyes. Each emotion Jensen sent his way was being received with guilt and it become clear then who the one to hurt Jensen was. 

Tom knows he shouldn’t have found it remarkable watching how they interacted with one another especially as it was causing grief but Tom couldn’t help but observe them. They seemed to bounce each other’s energy back and forth, like every time Jensen breathed in, Jared would breathe out. Their bodies were in sync with one another. Tom has never seen anything quite like it. 

It was just amazing seeing them mirror each other emotions while at the same time trying hard to hide them from the other. What really was out of the ordinary was seeing both love and hate present on their faces. Tom never thought it was possible to love someone and hate them at the same time but Jensen and Jared proved him wrong. 

Still he couldn’t have a full out fight happening on college property even if Mike would have loved to have seen it and even Tom wouldn’t have minded surveying them a bit longer but the fight was already leading to a dangerous level as blood was starting to spill. 

He has imagined a few times what the mysterious Christian Kane would be like but seeing this guy who was half the height of Jared, beating the crap out of him was a sight to behold. It just goes to show what true rage could do to a person and if they didn’t show up in time, would they have been dealing with Jared corpse? 

Jensen has only ever had kind words to say about Chris but Tom didn’t see any of that as Chris was banging Jared’s head against Mike’s car. It was obvious he was out for blood and even Tom felt a chill of fright at watching how easy it was for Chris to hurt another human being. 

_What could turn a person into this?_

That thought quickly evaporated when Jared left and he was introduced to Chris. He was a completely different person from what he had seen a second ago. Tom was pretty sure the word he would have used to describe Chris would have been mental but the guy that ended up inviting him and Mike to the barbecue was a pleasant guy. This just brought up a fresh bunch of questions on how such a calm guy could turn into something so terrifying. Really he should have known Jensen would have friends just as obscure as he was. 

Things only got more complicated on the way home in Mike’s dented car, 

_“You like him.” It wasn’t said as a question but as a statement so Tom chose to not answer. However he knew the moment he saw Mike’s hands start to tighten around the steering wheel that he wouldn’t take not having an answer._

_“I don’t know.” He said with all honestly because he didn’t know. Jensen interested him and he was gorgeous but did he really need all the baggage that surely Jensen would bring to the relationship. He already had enough of that with his none existence relationship with Mike._

_“It’s simple Tommy, you either like him or don’t.”_

_“It’s not simple.” Tom tried to keep calm but Mike was starting to annoy him. What did it matter if he did want more than friendship with Jensen? It wasn’t a concern for a married man. “Look, sure I like him as a friend and who knows in the future there could be –” Tom grabs hold of the dash board as the car came to a sudden halt._

_Fucking hell, he turned around in his seat to see no cars behind them, thank god. The car had already been through enough today, it didn’t need a car crashing into it from behind. He turned his attention to Mike to see him still holding tight to the wheel while staring out the front window. “What the hell Mike?”_

_Tom’s question was answered with silence but he could see Mike’s clutch on the steering wheel turn his hands white and now there was a scowl painted on his face._

_“Mike?” Still no answer and he started to worry that Mike was trying to rip the steering wheel off the car. He carefully detached each finger off the wheel while keeping his eyes locked on Mike’s face. Once the hands were free they grabbed Tom’s hands instead, making him hiss at the sting the nails were causing. Tom didn’t know how to reaction so he curled his fingers around Mike’s own._

_They sat in silence until Mike’s soft whisper, “I don’t think he’s right for you.”_

_He didn’t know what made him ask the next question but his mouth moved before he could stop it, “And who do you think is right for me?”_

_The surprise on Mike’s face must be a mirror image of his own but the next second Mike shook his head before he removed his hands from Tom’s tight grip._

_“You saw him today with that Padawhatever guy.” He didn’t know what to do with his hands so he placed them down on top of his jean covered thighs and he didn’t miss the way Mike’s eyes followed the progress._

_“Yeah, I did but like I said maybe in the future Jensen will be ready to move on.” Tom doubted it but a vicious part of him that he didn’t even know existed liked seeing how torn Mike looked. Every single day he saw Mike walking around with a smile and a laugh but sitting there in the car Tom got to see something that he doubted even Allie got to see._

_Only Tom can cause that expression and only Allie can make Mike show his true smile._

_“Like you are?” He gazed into now desperate eyes and he didn’t know which reaction he was supposed to have, should he laugh? Scream or even cry? He didn’t get a chance to decide when his voice was stolen from him.A pair of lips hungrily attacked his. His whole body froze up and all he wanted to do was kiss back except this wasn’t supposed to happen, especially when cold metal touched his cheek but for just a second he wanted Mike for himself. Just that once he wanted to be selfish so he gripped the back of Mike’s neck, pulled him in closer and ignored the shocked noise that slipped free. He used that chance to shove his tongue into Mike’s mouth. He let a moan slip out that Mike swallowed. When he felt a tongue touch his, he pulled Mike as close as possible while trying to hide the tears that wanted to escape._

_Tom has always fantasised what kissing Mike would be like, pretty much every single dream he has ever dreamt involved kissing Mike in some way but he never thought it felt like he was committing a sin, a cruel heartbreaking sin and he hated Mike a little for making something that should taste wonderful feel so dirty. He roughly pushed Mike away while trying to control his breathing._

_He wanted Mike, always has and always will but seeing that gold ring on his finger reminded Tom that Mike can never be just his. He has a wife and daughter now._

_When he’s sure no tears have got away he looked up to see Mike not having the same luck. Even though Mike has his forehead pressed onto the steering wheel while his eyes are closed, Tom can see the clear liquid run down his cheeks and he felt the tight pull in his chest for being the reason._

_“I’m sorry.”_

Tom can’t quite remember which one of them spoke but after that they got back to Mike’s house for the Rosenbaum family dinner and every smile Mike shined towards Allie or Abby made Tom’s heart break a little bit more. Neither of them mentioned the kiss and Tom would have probably started thinking he made it up if it wasn’t for the fact that each time he wet his dried lips he would catch Mike tracking the movement and he’s sure his eyes were doing the same. 

They needed to talk about this but speaking about their feelings has never been there strong point and that was the problem that got them into this chaos in the first place. 

He did try this time though.

Over the week, when he was alone with Mike he would start up a conversation about what happened in the car but Mike would just brush it off as nothing. Maybe it was nothing. Tom gave up after the fourth try. 

Saturday evening Tom found himself at a broken down beach house. He didn’t really know what words to use to describe the little house or hut but in some way it fit the guys that called it home. He would have laughed at some joke Mike would have cracked about the house being faded purple but for the first time in his life he didn’t arrived at a gathering with the other Rosenbaum’s. If Mike wanted to act like an over grown child, Tom could to. 

He was greeted by Jensen who looked in higher sprits than the other day which for some weird reason made Tom feel lighter. 

When they walk out the back doors, rainbow sand on the ground from where the lights were shining on it, Tom pecks both Allie and Abby on the cheek before giving Mike a punch on a shoulder as a hello and if he uses more strength than necessary well, no one else seems to notice. 

As the food is getting handed out he’s familiarizing with a married couple who own an art gallery and then Steve who he starts chatting to a few minutes. Tom understands he’s the peace keeper between Chris and everyone else. 

His bad habit of watching people interact starts back up as he soon realises that Steve isn’t as close to Jensen as Chris is. He wonders what the story behind the three of them living here is but that thought is pushed aside as he sees the way Mike is acting with Chad. 

Both Allie and Chad’s wife Sophia were joking about love at first sight, Mike finding his long lost soul mate but each jab makes Tom feel queasy and he wants to shout out that Mike loves him. It doesn’t help that Mike keeps looking his way making Tom think that Mike wants him to do that. The selfish idiot probably would get a kick out of seeing the explosion it would cause. 

He spends most of the night talking to Jensen about random stuff although Tom is getting sick of hearing his own voice. Jensen’s obviously in no mood to chat and after a while Tom excuses himself and wanders off toward the house. 

Jensen’s kind of his life line at the party because the only other people he really knows are the Rosenbaum clan but all of them are already in some form of conversation. 

Tom doesn’t know how long he spends sitting here listening to the annoying high pitch giggles and Chad’s stupid chuckle. He’s saved from smashing the beer bottle over his head when he feels someone sit next to him. It’s kind of disturbing that he already knows who it is without looking up from his beer bottle. Neither of them says anything as they take some pleasure at having the other one near. 

Mike places his hand on top of Tom’s on the table and doesn’t even seem bothered that his wife is sitting only a few feet away. He can’t really accuse him of being foolish especially as Tom hasn’t moved his own hand away. 

“What did you have to do today that was so important you couldn’t ride with us?” The beer bottle idea is sounding better by the second. 

“Like I said on the phone I had to pop in to see my mom.” He doesn’t look when he starts to peel the label off his bottle with his right hand but stops suddenly when he remembers hearing one of student’s mentioning it was a sign of sexual frustration. 

Mike hand squeezes his for a second before pulling away, “That’s strange because I called and she said she hasn’t seen you since last week.” 

“What the hell, Mike?” Tom shouts but immediately lowers his voice when a few heads turn his way. 

“You’re checking up on me now?” He doesn’t mean for his tone to sound so accusing but seriously who does Mike think he is, he wants to say his mother but that just sounds wrong. 

“I just wanted to know why you were brushing m- us off.” Both of them hear the mistake but neither of them mentions it. Mentioning it would mean they would have to talk about their feelings and that was a big no in their relationship. 

“You're kidding me right? You were ignoring me pretty much all fucking week.” Tom wants to yell at the top of his lungs that it was just a kiss and they should just forget about it instead of Mike acting like a bastard. 

“Tommy, I-” He looks up to see why Mike stops talking and sees Steve heading their way. “We’ll talk soon, I promise.” Mike whispers before smiling up to Steve who asks them if they want another beer. They both agree before Steve heads toward the house where Tom can see what looks like Jensen trying to crawl up into a bottle. Tom’s familiar with the feeling and wonders if Jensen heart is also beating painfully against his ribs identifying his love for someone he can’t have. 

Later he finds Jensen sitting on the front deck alone, drinking straight from a bottle of whiskey with his eyes closed. Tom doesn’t want to disturb him but thinks the wooden floor boards would probably creak if he tries to back away. Either way, he’s caught. 

“I don’t bite you know.” He’s quite glad Jensen’s eyes are shut so he can’t see the way his voice makes Tom jump out of his skin but by the tiny smirk now appearing on his face it makes him think that Jensen knows anyway. 

“Yeah, but your guard dogs might.” Tom looks back to the house to see not only Chris keeping a close eye on him but Steve as well. What did they really think he was going to do? Run off with Jensen or murder him? Who knows what goes on inside their heads? 

“I can’t protect you from them. Especially since one of them does have a very nasty bite but you just have to ask yourself if I’m worth the risk?” Jensen says it as a joke but Tom’s sitting down before he even finishes the sentence. Letting a dog take a mouthful out of him might have its merits as Jensen sends a smile his way. 

He doesn’t know how long they sit there passing the bottle back and forth between them but soon the party inside is breaking up and people start to leave. Allie says a farewell to Jensen before turning her attention to him with a worried frown marking her pretty face. 

“You getting a ride back with us, love?” Allie says while holding a dozing Abby in her arms. Mike’s still saying his goodbyes to Chris and Steve in the house. 

“I think I’ll stick around a bit longer.” 

“Sure?” He gets up to give Allie a kiss on the check before walking her to the car. 

“Yeah, plus it’s a nice night out so I don’t mind walking.” The beep from the car lets him know Allie has unlocked it so he takes Abby from her. He places her in the back seat before giving her a gentle kiss on the forehead while burying the insufferable guilt he feels each time he imagines what his life would have been like if she was never born or if her parents never married. Tom looks at her sleeping face and hates himself for partly hating her. He says a quiet apology before closing the door. 

Allie gives him a hug before getting in the passenger seat to wait for Mike. Funny how a long time ago that seat used to only belong to him. A hand lands on his shoulder and he turns around to face Mike. 

“Are you getting in?” Mike says it with so much hope in his voice; like this is the most important question he will ever have to ask and once again he hates himself for destroying that hope. 

“I’m going to hang around for a bit longer, see if they need help tidying up.” That one sentence is enough to wipe the smile off Mike’s face. 

“They already seem to have that under control, Tommy.” Mike grabs his arm and starts to drag him toward the car like a child. “Plus I recorded the game last night so why don’t you come home with us and we can watch it while having a cold one?” 

He wants nothing more than to say yes. Mike’s not asking him to go home with him, but to go home with them and that what makes him shake his head no. 

“Come on Tom, do you really think they want you hanging about?” Mike manages to open up the car door while still clutching tightly onto his arm. Tomorrow there will be finger bruises where Mike is so desperately trying to keep him by his side. He knows he has to walk away from whatever this is before they do something that is beyond repair. 

Some part of him is starting to think why he should care if other people get hurt as long as he gets what he wants in the end but then a sudden cry of Uncle Tom-Tom makes him shove Mike away. He didn’t expect himself to use all his strength which sends Mike sprawling onto the ground.

For the first time in his life he feels disgusted as he stares at his own hands. He fears what he is becoming and knows if he looks toward Mike’s face right now he would see disbelief on it. That is a look that has never been directed his way because Mike is the only person in the world that knows him. 

He builds his courage up to face Mike and when he does something inside of him squeezes painfully at seeing the smile while pure upset is dancing around in Mike’s eyes. Tom stands motionless as Allie rushes round the side of the car to kneel down next to Mike, she starts to murmur things in his ear but Mike doesn’t take his eyes off of Tom.

Tom swallows a lump around his throat before offering his hand to Mike who uses it to pull himself up. Mike doesn’t let go and just carries on smiling. 

“Man, Tommy boy, you got some strength on ya.” 

"Yeah, sorry about that Mike." They both know the apology is pointless but Allie seems to buy it as she smiles at both of them before making her way to calm Abby down. 

“What’s going on, Tom?” Mike’s still holding his hand and Tom finds his own fingers automatically twisting around his.

He hears a giggle and gazes through the car window to see Allie pulling faces while Abby’s cheeks are turning pink from laughing. 

Tom feels a pull on his arm and he looks down at their joints hands and knows that all he has ever wanted is right here. Tom could have it if he just speaks the words. 

Three simple words, 

“I’m sorry, Mike.” The hand that was holding on so tightly falls lifeless to his side while Mike whispers three words into his ear before the car door slams shut. 

He watches the car drive away while Jensen stands quietly beside him. 

Tom has only ever really thought about himself. The only reason he didn’t say what Mike wanted to hear was for the fact he couldn’t live with himself if he knew he ruined someone else’s happiness. Not once did he consider he was hurting Mike. He wants to laugh at how stupid he’s been all these years for protecting everyone else but not once seeing that his actions were causing the one person he loves pain. 

Jensen passes him the near empty bottle of whiskey and doesn’t say anything as he walks away even though both of them know he’s staying on their sofa tonight. 

Tomorrow everything will be back to normal and when he goes to work on Monday, he will look beside him to see Mike walking there blabbing on about nothing and Tom will take whatever he will give as long as Mike stays in his eye sight.

_“I’m sorry, too.”_


	9. Chapter Nine.

** Chapter 9   
  
  
** _ If I apologised _   
_ it wouldn't make it all unhappen _   
_ wouldn't make the darkness go away _   
_ If I apologised _   
_ it wouldn't mean I was forgiven _   
_ wouldn't mean you wanted me to stay – Josephine Cronholm ‘If I Apologised’ _   
  
  
_ Jared had to do this. Why was he hesitating? _   
  
  
_ Refusal was not an option especially since no one had expressed any negativity about the job and Jared couldn’t turn it down just because of a weird feeling he couldn’t even describe. _   
  
  
_ Was he panicking at having such a big change happen or was it that he finally had everything his ever wanted and now he was scared that that happiness would just slip out of his fingers? _   
  
  
_ Inside his veins was a buzzing alongside a warning but Jared can identify that as desire. Usually that emotion only was revealed when Jensen was involved but this time it wasn’t the same. _   
  
  
_ Jared wanted this more than anything and maybe there was the problem. _   
_ For every person, their most important thing was always different; he’s known Jensen was his since he caught him. Would taking this job alter that? _   
  
  
_ Desire truly was a sinful thing and was it worth taking a glimpse of heaven only to end up falling into hell? _   
  
  
_ Something felt completely wrong. _   
  
  
_ Jared let his head land in his hands and gripped his hair tightly, he prayed the pain would clear his mind and show him the correct path. _   
  
_ What did he fear? _   
  
  
_ “Jared?” A gentle touch to his cheek got Jared to peek through his fingers. Jensen was knelt down on the floor in front of him. He hated how his indecision was making that worried frown appear on Jensen’s face. _   
  
  
_ Jensen shouldn’t look like that. _   
  
  
_ Jared reached down to grab Jensen’s arm and pull him up. He wrapped his arms around his waist and rested his forehead against Jensen’s covered stomach. Jared had to put an end to these useless thoughts when he was blessed with so much more than other people had. _   
  
  
_ All he needed was Jensen and if he was happy then Jared was. _   
  
  
_ He sealed the warning that started screaming. He wouldn’t let the weaker version of himself appear in front of Jensen. Even if it meant he had to make that bit of him vanish completely, he would do it if it meant Jensen still relied on him. _   
  
  
_ “What’s wrong?” Fingers were tangled in his hair and Jared knew that all he could do was to move forward. _   
  
  
_ The fear started to sink deeper into him until he was left with just Jensen and his calm breath. _   
  
  
_ “Just thinking.” _   
  
  
_ “That’s a first.” Jared let out an amused snort before his arms tightened around Jensen and twisted him so he ended up on the bed, flat on his back. He climbed on top of Jensen and settled between his legs enjoying the sound of his boy’s laughter. _   
  
  
_ He didn’t care what happened to him as long as he could hear that laughter, the sound was pure pleasure and not once had he heard a laugh like that from anyone else. _   
  
  
_ The noise stopped and Jared looked down to see Jensen turn serious. _   
  
  
_ “If something is bothering you Jared, you can always tell me. I want to hear every one of your thoughts.” _   
  
  
_ Jensen poked his forehead lightly before running a finger underneath one of his eyes. “Don’t ever hide from me.” _   
  
  
_ Jared crushed their lips together. _   
  
  
_ All other thoughts scattered as Jensen’s hips bucked upwards and the kiss started to deepen. Jensen tugged him closer by the neck and started to bite Jared’s bottom lip while he thrust his tongue deeper into Jared’s mouth. _   
  
  
_ Jared didn’t hold back as he started to pull off Jensen’s t-shirt to run his hands up and down the warm skin. _   
  
  
_ Jensen panted a moan into his mouth and then broke apart so he could push his t-shirt over his head and throw it somewhere in the room. Jared leaned down to plant a small kiss to Jensen’s stomach before he trailed the path up to his jaw line and then his throat. He let his teeth graze against a sensitive spot which led to a louder moan. Jared spread Jensen’s legs further apart and used it to sink further down to feel the reaction they caused each other. Jensen moaned his name brokenly when Jared thrust forward giving them both some desperate relief. _   
  
  
_ Jensen gripped his hair tightly and hauled him up for another kiss. They broke away for much needed air as Jensen started to suck lightly on his ear lobe making Jared let out a pleased noise. Hands slowly run up his spine but stop when a groan escaped Jensen’s lips at feeling material stopping him from reaching skin. Jared gave a breathless laugh while adding distance to them. _   
_ He loved this Jensen who was impatient and rubbing against him. This Jensen, who needed him desperately. _   
  
  
_ Jared balanced himself on his elbows so he could take in the full affect he had on Jensen. He didn’t think it was possible for Jensen to be more attractive but in this moment he was shown how wide off the mark he could be with blurring shades of jade and glows of gold. _   
  
  
_ He bent down to set a quick meeting of lips before pulling back; he ran his hands along Jensen bare sides. _   
  
  
_ “What’s with the slowing pace?” _   
  
  
_ “Can’t I take it slow sometimes?” He laughed at the impatient sign Jensen gave before placing another soft kiss on his lips. _   
  
  
_ “You know Jeff would be fucking me by now, right?” _   
  
  
_ Jared felt his heart stop. _   
  
  
_ “Did you ju...” he stopped and swallowed around the lump building in his throat. _   
  
  
_ “Did you just say you and my...” Jared couldn’t even finish the sentence and his face must have been showing something as Jensen smirked up at him. _   
  
  
_ “Come on Jared, you know Jeff is always going to be superior to you in **everything**.” Jensen let out a laugh but the sound wasn’t right. There was no enjoyment in it but an emptiness that was enough to leave Jared dizzy. “I mean the ways he can use his tongue...” Jensen ran his tongue over his lips making sure to leave his eyes on Jared’s. “Not to mention how he just slams right into me without so much of a hesitation...” _   
  
  
_ Jensen’s hand started to dance down his chest until he reached his crotch; his hand cupped over him, rubbing at him through his jeans, “Fuck! Just thinking of your brother fucking me gives me more of a thrill than you ever-“ _   
  
  
_ The words are cut off by the lack of air as Jared squeezed his neck. Jared has no idea what he’s doing but the image of seeing Jeff touching Jensen is enough to make him want to kill someone. His hands tightened at thinking Jensen would be happier with someone like Jeff, who was just as perfect as him, but Jared wouldn’t give Jensen up, no matter what. _   
  
  
_ A vibration started to shake him as a low pitch chuckle filled the room but it isn’t Jensen. He looked down to see his hands around a slender, older neck. Jared flew off the bed in surprise while staring speech less at the woman walking toward him. _   
  
  
_ “I always knew that you were half the man Jeff is.” His mother lips are painted blood red as she took his hands into her own. “Show your mother that you aren’t...” She placed them back on her neck while she whispered the last word in his ear. “useless.” _   
  
  
_ Something inside him snapped as he unthinkably tightened the hold and kept adding strength until he was staring down at lifeless green in a pool of broken crimson glass. _   
  
  
“JEN-“Jared bolts upright in bed, trying to calm his racing heart. He moves a hand through the hair stuck to his forehead as he takes in the dark room. His hands curl in the bed spread and it feels different, the walls have a pattern on them and the blinds are blocking his view of the sky. Jared isn’t aware he’s holding his breath until it rushes out at being in a different room.   
  
  
It was just a seriously fucked up dream.   
  
  
He looks down at his palms and for the faintest second he sees red.   
  
  
Since the first time he met Genevieve, he wishes she wasn’t away. He doesn’t want to be alone with just his rapidly fading sanity as a companion.   
  
  
Jared glances at his hands again and he’s thankful for that second of rest. He makes his way to the bathroom to wash the sweat off his face.   
  
  
The freezing water is welcomed as it hits his face. When he finishes he opens the cabinet for a sleeping tablet, on closing it he sees his own reflection staring back at him.   
  
  
_ “Jared, please, I need help. I can’t ...please.” _   
  
  
Jared can’t move. His own eyes start to recede into jade.   
  
  
_ “Jared, I know just please, I’m losing a lot of blood.” _   
  
  
His brown hair blends into washed out blonde.   
  
  
_ “When did you stop loving me?” _   
  
  
Blood starts to drip down his forehead while a sharp pain turns his attention to his hands dyeing the white sink red. Jared doesn’t know what is supposed to hurt more; the pieces of tiny glass or seeing Jensen’s ring on now leaner fingers.   
  
  
Is he going mad?   
  
  
He turns back to the mirror to see himself now staring back. For a long time he stares at the brown of his eyes.   
  
  
_ “I can’t keep waiting for you to get your mother’s approval because she never will be proud of you.” _   
  
  
“SHUT UP!” Jared reflection shatters the moment his fist connects with it. The sting is a welcome distraction as he watches the blood dripping from his knuckles land on his image.   
  
  
He’s in thousands of pieces.   
  
  
Nights were the worse, as all he had were his thoughts and darkness. In spite of that Jared found himself willingly waiting at the hospital to get his hand bandaged a second time.   
  
  
They wrap up sometime around sun-up and he glances down to his watch to see it’s still early to get to Jensen’s meeting place; it’ll take a while to drive there which makes his hand ache just from thinking about.   
  
  
He calls a taxi even though it will leave a nice dent in his wallet.   
  
  
He leans against the shadowy hospital wall as he waits.   
  
  
The Jared from his past would never have thought things would have turned out like this.   
  
  
He thought forgetting about his mistakes and wounds would be enough but he can’t make them disappear.   
  
  
Jared gets that it’s okay for people not to understand him. He’s even fine with people hating him. In his career he has more than once gotten his hands dirty and he knows that he has caused pain beyond repair with each guilty person he’s helped set free but Jared has yet to feel remorse about any of it.   
  
  
It’s his job and if those people are really guilty, well Jared’s not getting paid to put them on the straight and narrow.   
  
The way he’s been living so far has worked, but every so often a nightmare will come along where he can see the person he represented doing the crime he or she was accused of.   
  
  
Still, most people remain blanked face but one case he can remember the boy so clearly.   
  
  
The case had a lot of press as the man he was representing was a football player. He can’t even remember the defendant’s name but he can’t forget the pictures of the alley way stained with blood and sick, Jake’s broken body in a hospital bed and the ruined knuckles of the football player.   
  
  
Seeing _that_ word printed on the page made him want to close the file. Jared had never dealt with a case like that but his mother wouldn’t let him pass it along to a different law firm.   
  
  
She wanted him to prove himself.   
  
  
He didn’t know how he could pull it off without getting personally involved plus all the evidence was against the guy, he did try to give the case to his boss at the time. His mother had completely disapproved.   
  
  
_ “This is an extremely important client and if you have to pay some stranger off the street to tell the jury that he saw your client at the time of the beating well so be it. You do whatever you need to do to get a full proof alibi... oh and sweetie, in the future please make sure I don’t receive anymore calls from Richard because it just makes it easier to see that me and your father have chosen the wrong son.” _   
  
  
Jared ignored the pleading from Jake’s mom, the shouting from his dad and the acceptance on Jake’s face.   
  
  
The kid didn’t hold Jared responsible and he despised Jake for it. It made him work harder to win the case as each day in the court room he faced Jensen on the stand.   
  
  
In the end he won the case and afterward the football player congratulated him, saying _“that gay twat got what he deserved.”_   
  
  
Jared didn’t feel anything then but every so often he will see the guy beating Jake who was always begging to be left alone, he’ll see how every name called would injure Jake more than a kick or punch. Then as every nightmare goes he will see Jensen in Jake’s place while Jared hits him over and over. He should probably talk about it to someone but they’re just nightmares. How can they possibly harm him?   
  
  
He lets his head fall back against the wall, closing his eyes. Jared’s whole body is buzzing with nerves but he can’t stop the exhilaration at getting a chance to talk to Jensen. He knows this will be the only opportunity he’ll get; Jared has to make sure that Jensen hears him.   
  
  
He knows he’s wrong and Jared should have told Jensen the truth years ago but even now some huge part of him wants to conceal the disappointment he is. He wants to keep the truth from Jensen still, how Jared isn’t as strong as him, how his insecurities still rule him.   
  
  
If he had been like Jeff, he would have trusted Jensen, chosen him over everything else and clung to that true happiness. His brother was smart enough to run.   
  
  
What can he say to make Jensen grasp that it wasn’t supposed to be this way? He never planned to hurt him but Jared couldn’t stop himself. How can he make Jensen see that?   
  
  
A bitter snort escapes as he covers his face with his hands. Metal attacks his nose buds and Jared pulls his hands back to glare at the reminder.   
  
  
Jensen probably wishes he’s dead and he honestly can’t fault him for it.   
  
  
He’s still causing Jensen pain when he isn’t even in his life. Is that all Jared’s good at? Hurting people?   
  
  
The maddening sting is back beating nails into his heart and Jared knows now that’s what shame feels like.   
  
  
It’s something he’s lived without for such a long time but now he supposes he better get used to it.   
  
  
Each day after Jensen, at long last did the one thing Jared wasn’t heroic enough to do, sent him further from Jared’s mind.   
  
  
He wonders now if it wasn’t for that lamp making him come undone, would he still be living his lie. Playing pretend in the secure world he created for himself? Would he have ever tried to see Jensen again? Jared’s certain what his reply would be and that adds another nail to his heart.   
  
  
Upon living that lie Jared has had no reason to worry about feeling anything but the drive to win every case hurled his way. Each case won was a stride toward the thing he wanted most but to get to that he couldn’t afford to have emotions clouding his judgment. The only way was forward and Jared didn’t dare look back.   
  
  
Jared is taken away from his musing by a car horn. He opens his eyes to see a yellow taxi although he’s wondering if it’s safe to get in when he spots the pink flamingo on the antenna taped literally with masking tape. He makes sure to check both sides for dents before getting in.   
  
  
He’s greeted with a whole troop of multi coloured flamingos standing on the dash board. Jared starts to reach for the door handle the moment he smells the strong aroma of weed but the door suddenly locks. He looks up to meet bright blue eyes with a playfulness swimming around in them. Before he can ask to be let out, the taxi is off.   
  
  
Great, now he’s stuck in a tight closed space with a weed smoking freak that seems to have an unhealthy obsession with flamingos.   
  
  
“How are we today, sir?”   
  
  
“I’m fin-“He cuts himself off when he notices the silver band around the guy’s finger. Jared wasn’t one for spilling his guts but talking to a total stranger might relax him.  “How long have you been married?”   
  
  
“Coming up 6 years.” Jared already wishes he never asked the question at hearing the devotion in the man’s words. The guy’s marriage obviously is something blue-eyes is proud of. “She’ll actually tell you it’s only 4 but I count the time we got hitched in front of a voodoo priest.” Okay...   
  
  
“I actually popped the question over a Mark and Spencer curry and to this day that was the best money I have _ever_ spent.”   
  
  
Jared starts twirling the ring in his pocket around but stops when blue eyes follow the movement though the mirror. Then he follows his eyes to the gold ring around Jared’s finger.   
  
  
“Why did you marry your wife?” The guy says quickly when he sees Jared raise one of his eyebrows. “I mean, if you don’t mind me asking?” Blue eyes definitely had a backbone. Jared couldn’t help but reply to his question honestly.   
  
  
“It was the right thing to do.” The answer obviously isn’t what the guy wants and Jared starts to feel like he’s being monitored as blue eyes just stares back at his own. He decides he can’t take being reviewed and having the guy’s eyes not on the road so he asks “Why did _you_ marry your wife?”   
  
  
“I love her.” He says it like it’s the most simplistic thing in the world and Jared can’t bear the way the guy looks at his own ring with such wonder, that’s when it hits him that blue eyes still can’t believe he got her to be his wife. Jared doesn’t care if Gen picked him out of every other person but this guy’s wife is clearly everything to him.   
  
  
Jared becomes aware of what he’s doing when blue eyes zooms onto Jensen’s ring that Jared’s started to weave in between his fingers. He curses at seeing the thing and he has to get this bizarre habit of his under control. The ring brought the past back and Jared already has enough trouble coping. He doesn’t want to lose his control when someone else is in the room or a flamingo filled taxi.   
  
  
“Could you ever forgive someone that hurt you?” Jared doesn’t even recognize that it’s his own voice that asks the question until he gets a response.   
  
  
“If they were sorry then yes, I think I could.” The guy nods as he answers resembling someone who just worked out a difficult riddle.   
  
  
“What if someone made your wife suffer?”   
  
  
“Now, that is a difficult question.” It appears blue eyes is caught off guard as he knits his brows together while working out a retort. “I suppose if my wife can learn to forgive, then to me, if this person truly deserves to be forgiven then they shall receive it.”   
  
  
“And if they don’t?”   
  
  
“Then they can only apologise over and over until they do.” He can see the grin is back on the guy’s face but Jared’s still trying to work out if this guy is for real. If someone hurt your wife wouldn’t you want revenge or at least want to hurt them back? No one is that genuine to forgive someone for causing harm to a loved one.   
  
  
“You really believe everyone can make up for their sins?”   
  
  
“Yes.”

  
Jared stares at the way the sunlight reflects off Jensen’s ring. He lets out a snort because trust the ring to be just as flawless as the man himself is or used to be.    
  
  
Jensen was always perfectly composed; he once thought Jensen would never understand what it meant to be lost, his thoughts blur over with dull, faded, empty green eyes.   
  
  
He created that.   
  
  
In their whole relationship Jared wanted to see some blemish on Jensen’s picture perfect life, body and soul and it finally looks like his wish came true.   
  
  
Jared turns to look back at the ring on the guy’s hand. Can Jared trust what the guy is telling him even though he has not only caused damage to Jensen but his dreams as well? Is there really any salvaging them especially as some dangerous part of him wants Jensen to be spoilt for anyone but him? Jared doesn’t know why seeing that scar on Jensen’s forehead made him feel proud, like having that mark showed Jared’s ownership. He knew the thought should make him run away but he just wasn’t sure who he was supposed to be running from.   
  
  
What did Jared want from Jensen except for forgiveness?   
  
  
Does he still lo- No, Jared can’t think about that yet. He has to get Jensen to accept his apologies and that’s all he should be thinking of. If his gets that forgiveness from him then Jared hopes that he’ll finally be able to sleep.   
  
  
Anxiety starts to make itself known and perhaps he doesn’t know blue eyes at all but he’s all he’s got and he sadly thinks he’s not just talking about this moment.   
  
  
“I hurt... no that...”Jared runs his hand though his hair before becoming aware that it’s gelled back stiff, he lets out a sigh before he occupies himself with the ring again. “I...” What was the correct word to describe what he did to Jensen? His mind floods back to a figure made of tense bones and snow skin.   
  
  
“I broke someone.” Saying those words leaves a sour taste on his tongue but Jared has to own up to what he has done and once again his thoughts lead to unsafe territory as some part of him is cheering at being the one to break Jensen Ackles.   
  
  
The comment doesn’t seem to shock blue eyes; he just nods for Jared to continue. “A few years back I was in a relationship with a –” He coughs to cover up the mistake he was about to make. “- someone and I said ...”   
  
  
A vision of Jensen sitting on a bed of crimson glass flickers in front of his eyes.    
  
  
“I did a number of brutal and cruel things to this person. I even caused them to bleed and left...”   
  
  
_ “I wasn’t the one that left him for DEAD!” _   
  
  
Jared hand grips the ring tightly as he recalls Chris’ words and Jensen’s body flinching away from his touch.   
  
  
“After all these years I finally saw the...damage I had caused and I don’t know if I can fix it.”   
  
  
“We are remarkably creatures, even when we have been shattered we will still stand back up even at the risk of breaking again.” The guy turns his attention to the ring Jared’s resting in his open palm for a second before facing the road again. “You should have more confidence that this guy... whoops, I mean _person_ can heal with or _without_ your apology.”   
  
  
Blue eyes doesn’t seem worried that Jared might flip out for saying he dated a man and even seems to be enjoying himself as he shows Jared a grin that would challenge the Cheshire’s cat.   
  
  
It puts Jared on edge that some taxi driver can see though him especially since Jared spent many years training to sit correctly and speak words that were only needed. He doesn’t lose his focus especially around strangers and Jared’s very tempted not to tip the guy but he gave him some good advice even if it’s annoying to admit it.   
  
  
He doesn’t know how Jensen will react but Jared will just have to take what’s dished out and he’ll accept the option Jensen gives to him because it’s no longer about his wants or needs but what makes Jensen the happiest.   
  
  
If Jensen decides that Jared can be no part of his life, although it will be painful he’ll take it as his penalty for all the violence he has inflicted on the man and all the nasty inhuman words he has spoken.   
  
  
Jared gave up his right for Jensen’s love the moment he lost the will to fight for them.   
  
  
“Thank you...” He peeks at the guys I.D hanging from the mirror. “Mr. Collins.”   
  
  
“Misha. And you better tip well after that counselling session.”   
  
  
He did in fact tip Misha well as he watches the army of flamingos drive off. Jared makes his way into the park to see Jensen already sitting on the bench in the sunlight.   
  
  
For just a moment the sun plays a cruel trick as Jensen fades into the glow and Jared’s body is screaming at him to pull Jensen into the shadows alongside him except the moment is over as Jensen reappears looking directly at Jared.   
  
  
Jensen is different from what he saw the other day, he was a trembling mess but this Jensen was staring at him in challenge.   
  
  
  
Jared thinks he could have dealt with a frightened or even nervous Jensen however he accepts the defiance as he sits down making sure to not leave much space between them. His plan works as Jensen hands start to quiver. Instead of moving away like Jared expected, he holds his ground and presses his hands into his thighs. That seems to stop the shaking.   
  
  
“Is this some new way to hurt me?” Jared starts to edge down the bench as Jensen seems to see through his actions but stops when he hears the next words. “Coming back.”   
  
  
“You know as well as I do that you needed me to come back.” Jensen wanted something from Jared and he wouldn’t get better until he had it but his comment seems to hit a nerve as Jensen stands up and sneers down at him.   
  
  
“I don’t need _you_ for anything.”   
  
  
“I saw the state you were in the other day.”   
  
  
“You really don’t get it do you?” He hates the way Jensen is speaking to him like a small child. If anyone should be treated that way it should be Jensen, he’s the one that seems to be throwing a temper tantrum when they were meant to be talking. “I was getting better but now you just had to show up, treating my friends like crap and demanding I speak....”   
  
  
“Hey! That’s unfair; you were the one to call _me._ ” Jared points out the truth. He probably would have given Jensen another week before tracking him down again but it was Jensen’s decision to contact him. Once again, Jensen doesn’t like his answer.   
  
  
“You know what, screw this.” Jensen goes to walk away but Jared grabs his arm. “ _Let me go._ ” Each word is said with revulsion but Jared can’t let him leave.   
  
  
“I can’t.”   
  
  
Jensen shakes his head while letting out an...amused laugh? Jensen stares at his hand held tightly on his arm before nodding. “Okay, you win. We play it this way.” Before he can ask what he means he’s got a lap fall of Jensen.   
  
  
His whole being is telling him to shove Jensen off but the whispered words spoken into his ear freeze him, “I wonder if your wife knows you can’t get it up unless you’re fantasising about _men._ ” His hands crawl up into fists as Jensen runs a thumb over Jared’s lips before speaking, “Could you imagine what your mother would think at seeing another man on her beloved son’s lap?”   
  
  
“Stop pissing me off.” He speaks softly back onto Jensen lips.   
  
  
“Why?” Jensen makes a show of looking around. “I don’t see any cabinets nearby...” He runs his hand down Jared’s chest and Jared wants to burn the yearning that comes along with that simple touch. “What do you plan to do this time?”   
  
  
Finger shaped bruises appear around Jensen’s throat before he quickly shakes his head to be rid of it.   
  
  
“If you want to play well that’s fine, we’ll play, but _darling_ you’ll lose every time.” Jared slowly travels his hands up Jensen thighs and can’t hide the snort that comes out when his body starts to tremble. One hand settles insidiously on Jensen’s hip, gripping firm and feeling that curve that had been unknowingly missed and his other hand comes up to Jensen’s neck to bare his throat, he can feel the tremble of Jensen’s pulse delicate underneath his fingers, he pulls taunt, the arch of his body snug against Jared’s.   
  
  
He smirks as he sighs against Jensen throat, “You can’t fool me with this courageous act of yours.” Jared sniffs alongside his neck, taking in the smell solely belonging to Jensen. He feels Jensen pulse beat faster as his tongue darts out to lick a swipe of sweat running down in fear. “Are you shaking because the mere touch of me makes you sick…” Both of Jared’s hands come down to settle on Jensen’s thin hips. “Or are you trying so hard not to feel one bit of desire?”    
  
  
Jensen’s breath hitches as Jared sucks lightly on his neck and for the smallest moment Jensen’s hips move downwards as his own move upwards. Jared’s hands dig into Jensen’s hips harder, and he knows that marks will be there but he can’t stop himself from wanting that, wanting to control Jensen. Jensen’s hips stutter in mid movement and Jared mouths at his neck, one hand clenching at his hip and the other moving up his back to push him closer.   
  
  
The air rushes out of his lungs when Jensen shoves him firm in the chest before removing himself from Jared’s lap.   
  
  
“Trust me, Jared when I say it’s _definitely_ option one.” Jared bites back a laugh as it is clear to see the lie. His pleased that Jensen doesn’t walk away but sits back down on the bench, looking rather pink in the cheeks.   
  
  
Jared can’t deny he has missed the feel of Jensen body against his own and it’s been such a long time since he has felt any sort of pleasure like that.   
  
  
“Hmm, trust has always been one of our issues.” Jared says as he leans his head back and closes his eyes away from the sun.   
  
  
“No, Jared. It’s always been _yours._ ”   
  
  
Does Jensen have to turn everything he says around on him? He knows he shouldn’t have done the things he did but their relationship problems weren’t just because of him. It’s just so hard to explain the ones that are.   
  
  
Jared spent most of yesterday working out what he wanted to say however he can’t remember now. He still believes that neither of them one hundred percent trusted the other. He figures that this is the occasion to start being truthful.   
  
  
He opens his eyes to face Jensen.   
  
  
  
“When I took my job I started to forget who I was.” This catches Jensen’s attention as he turns fully toward him. “Each day I would listen to my friends comment on how unnatural our relationship was and how we weren’t _real_ men.” He leans forward as he settles his elbow on the back of the bench, resting his head on his hand.   
  
  
“You still call those _things_ friends?”   
  
  
“They’re the only people I can call anything.” His friends left him a long time ago. Jared looks to see what Jensen’s reaction will be to that however his eyes stray to a few kids throwing around a ball. “Since I was little I felt I wasn’t good enough and I wouldn’t amount to anything unlike my brother Jeff, who did anything right. My mother was the only one to take notice of me and each day she would tell me I’d grow up to be a brilliant man. Her words stayed with me and pretty much were the only thing to keep me going.”   
  
  
“Yeah, your mother is one _splendid_ lady.” Jensen murmurs under his breath but Jared pretends he doesn’t hear the comment.   
  
  
“I dated a few guy’s before I...”   
  
  
Before what?   
  
  
This is more difficult than he thought. He shakes his head, and looking back at Jensen he sees a tiny smile on his face as one of the kids assist another when he falls down.   
  
  
He shouldn’t have come today.   
  
  
Jared wants this man and knows he shouldn’t because there is just too much to fake. He can’t go back down that road of being two people but he can’t deny that he still wants Jensen.   
  
  
Jared thinks he may even want him too much.   
  
  
“You know, out of the beating Kane gave me and seeing what my actions have done to you, Steve was actually the one to dish out the worst punishment.” Jensen eyes are now on him with confusion. “I honestly thought you might return but I came home from work to find not only all your belongings missing but every single picture of us or you ever taken also gone.”   
  
  
A harsh laugh breaks out as he remembers the dull pain of seeing no trace of Jensen in his apartment. Steve wiped the whole place clean of any signs of him.    
  
  
If it was Chris he’s sure his place would have quite a few broken objects but Steve’s style hit the mark as he made sure to leave everything else as it is so it would feel like only Jared had ever lived there.   
  
  
Steve erased their history.   
  
  
Jensen was about to say something before he shut his mouth. He can guess it was an apology for Steve’s action and it makes his blood boil that after everything Jensen can still find it in him to feel remorse. Its things like that that make him utterly despise Jensen. Why couldn’t Jensen yell at him saying he got what he deserved?   
  
  
He doesn’t know how it’s possible to hate Jensen while loving him but he does. Even now his body wants to pull the man close which makes his stomach turn. Jared imagines things could have worked out differently if he wasn’t a liar and Jensen didn’t hide. They stopped communicating somewhere along the way and Jared can’t be the only one to take the fall for that.   
  
  
“I can sit here all day explaining why but I think the main reason was you were so perfect, I couldn’t compete so I tried to make myself better suited for you.”    
  
  
He closes himself off from Jensen again, turning in his seat so he can look at the ground when he says, “I never meant to hurt you.”   
  
  
There is an instant silence between them before Jensen is bending down in front of him. Deja vu enters his mind but it’s gone when hands don’t reach out.   
  
  
Should he be thankful or offended? Jared looks to see Jensen clenching his hands tightly and thinks Jensen’s having just as much trouble not reaching out.   
  
  
“No one is perfect, Jared. I have flaws, everyone does and yours are what I loved about you." Jensen stands back up. “They made you real.”   
  
  
His heart squeezes at the past tense of the word love but what did he honestly expect.   
  
  
Emotions are what makes a person human .Jared stopped living the moment he signed his name onto that contract but the sorrow sinking its claws into his insides makes him believe that Jensen doesn’t see that Jared is still alive. Maybe Jensen just doesn’t want to see.   
  
  
“I get that this didn’t happen overnight and you obviously had uncertainties about our relationship long before I noticed but Jared, don’t you think I had those same doubts?” Jared doesn’t answer and Jensen lets out a frustrated noise. “Everyone has a choice and you can’t keep living in this bubble of yours thinking anyone else pushed you to this when at any time you could have spoken to Chad or even Chris, anyone would have helped you, Jared. If you just would have asked.”   
  
  
“Yeah, I could have gone to wonderful Kane who doesn’t ever fuck up.” He doesn’t mean to sound unkind but just hearing that name from Jensen’s lips makes him want to put Chris down a peg or two.   
  
  
“Please don’t say a cruel word against him.”   
  
  
Jensen pleading with him not to bad mouth Chris just pisses him off more. That Jensen would actually snoop down to such a low level to beg him, the one who hurt him and took away his pride. Jared stands up and hates Chris even more when he sees how Jensen recoils back, shaking. It doesn’t stop him from moving forwards, using his height as advantage to block Jensen’s escape.   
  
  
“Of course, you would stick up for him. You’re practically fucking without the actual sex.”   
  
  
“You don’t know a damn thing about our relation-” He cuts Jensen off mid sentence with a shout that makes him hear Jensen’s teeth clatter closed.   
  
  
“AND THAT’S THE PROBLEM!”   
  
  
“What?” Jensen eyes glare into his with such hatred but that doesn’t stop him.   
  
  
“You and Kane have this _thing_ that I can’t name and that drives me fucking insane!” He moves even closer to Jensen, and he can feel the harsh breath scraping through him.   
  
  
”Why can’t I have all of you?” He breathes into Jensen face. “Why does he have to be the one you call first or smile at?” Jared pulls Jensen tightly in by the arms and ignores the hiss Jensen lets out. He looks down as Jensen looks up at him, his eyes moving back and forth, searching. “Why can’t you just love _me_?”   
Jared has never seen Jensen this pissed, not even when he found that bra in their bed. He’s always wondered what it would be like for Jensen to lose complete control but it makes him feel hollow knowing the key to that door.   
  
  
Jensen glares at Jared as he struggles to break the hold. “You’re actually going to hold Chris responsible for what _you_ did?”   
  
  
All his energy is drained at those words. He lets Jensen go and slinks back down on the bench. “Of course not...” I only partly blame him and that’s only because he’s number one.   
  
  
“Why him?” He doesn’t even know how he can make his voice sound both wounded and irritated but he does.   
  
Jensen’s anger seems to fade as well although he stays standing a good distance away from him. “What did you give up Jared?”   
  
  
His head snaps up to look at Jensen in confusion. “What?”   
  
  
“I’m asking you what you gave up.” He doesn’t get it but Jensen seems to have gained the power of mind reading. He shakes his head giving Jared that horrible pitying look. “This is why you will never understand what it’s like to love someone.”   
  
  
His anger is back in full force as he stands back up. Where does Jensen get off to judge him especially since he knows damn well that Jared loved him? “I loved -”   
  
  
“You might have loved me once but now I don’t know how it was possible for you.” Before he can comment Jensen continues. “Chris doesn’t let himself fall in love easily but when he does, that’s it for him.” He says it with a fond smile before turning it into a frown when he notes Jared’s eyes watching him. “He loves only a _few_ things and he was willing to give up two of them to aid me back on to my feet. That to me is love and not in the twisted way you think it is.”   
  
  
Jared hands start to shake at each word coming out of Jensen’s mouth. They were together for seven years and Jensen doesn’t get to wipe out all their good memories just so it makes it easier for Jensen to hate him.   
  
  
Jared knows how to love and he loved Jensen the best he could even though he lost his way somewhere. Still six years before, both of them were at their happiest and Jensen doesn’t get to ignore that.   
  
  
Jensen may have changed over the years but Jared would bet all he has that Jensen’s deepest fear is the same.   
  
  
“Do you really think your relationship with him is healthy?” Any relationship with Chris and Jensen ticks the unhealthy box in his head but Jensen doesn’t say anything as he stares at Jared’s shoes. He takes a step toward him again.    
  
  
“What’s going to happen when he decides to go back on tour or move on?” Jared ignores the shaking controlling Jensen’s body and grabs his face to make him look at him. “Are you going to fall back onto the ground?”   
  
  
There is a darkening shade to Jensen eyes now like he’s frightened but not in any way that Jared could hurt him but in the answer he can’t seem to find.   
  
  
“You say I don’t understand what love is but I do. That’s what made us end up here.” Jared drops Jensen face as a couple walk past. He watches as Jensen closes his eyes while taking a couple of deep breaths. After a while a pair of hard green eyes appear and Jensen starts to pull away from him.   
  
  
“No...” Jensen shakes his head. “What made us end up here was me not walking away sooner but I learnt my lesson.” Jared doesn’t watch when he hears footsteps getting further away. One thing he has never done is watch Jensen leave and he isn’t going to start now. Especially since this thing between the two of them wasn’t over, not by a long shot.   
  
  
No matter what method he uses to entrap Jensen, he’ll never do anything he wants him to do; he’s the only one who doesn’t act according to his plan.   
  
  
He wanted Jensen to scream at him, to shed tears, to beg for an explanation but Jensen seems to have distorted it around to Jared doing those things. He hates the man for it and still he craves Jensen to be tied to him forever. Jared couldn’t get what he wanted coming here - was it just to torture the man more or was it because...   
  
  
It doesn’t seem to matter now, Jensen’s the strong one again and he did the one thing Jared never could.   
  
  
He may have thought he’d leave Jensen alone if he asked but Jensen didn’t and Jared is still a selfish man.   
  
  
He knows he’ll see him again because Jensen didn’t get the _one_ thing he came here for.   
  
  
It was just a matter of who would crack first.   
  



End file.
